When I was a kid there were four seasons: Winter, spring, summer, and fall. Of course, Pluto was also still a planet which goes to show you how the times have changed. Want even more proof? Read the magazine covers while waiting in line at the grocery checkout or take a look at your tweet stream. Because we only watch Nick Jr. and PBS Kids in this house, I wouldn’t know what’s playing on prime time television, but I’ll bet you the muffin top I’ve been sporting since I the day Buttercup was born that there are plenty of commercials airing right now touting weight loss plans and pills with more than obvious references to the season that came to be sometime between I and Don’t Fucking Care.
Say it with me, now, ladies: Swimsuit season.
How many of you are more preoccupied with packing lunches and coordinating after school activities and yelling at the kids not to shave the damned dog again than following the media frenzy set on reminding us that plastic surgery would be so much easier than another damned diet? The headlines alone are enough to drive any one of us into the welcoming arms of the nearest source of chocolate and alcohol in an effort to comfort ourselves for not living up to This Magazine’s goals for us not losing that 15 Pounds in Three Weeks plan they promised us was going to convince fellow public-pool goers that we are actually our childrens’ nannies. It worked for Generic Female Celebrity so it should totally have worked for us, right? And don’t forget to pass me the Guilt-Flavored Ben & Jerry’s. No, not the one you already ate half of. I’m still not dealing very well with the fact that I am totally not Ready to Put on That Bikini.
Maybe I’ll try something drastic instead. I mean, following those 25 Tips to Get Swimsuit Ready didn’t work. Time to pull out the big guns.
Ready? Okay, I figure if I start by putting the bathing suit on…
Pauline M. Campos is wife to The Husband, mother to “Buttercup,” and has decided that it’s time to make peace with her cellulite.
She got started in newspapers and served as city editor for a few local papers before hitting the big time at The Detroit News and freelancing for the Metro-Detroit based Metro Parent Magazine before taking a break after baby. She’s a featured blogger at www.owningpink.com and contributes to the hilarious www.anarmyofermas.com. Oh right, and her own blog? That’s www.aspiringmama.com. You’re welcome.
She’s also pretty sure God made her lactose intolerant because she refused to stop chewing her ice cream.