It’s official, kids. Lock up your booze and your valuables. Stay off the streets andthe sidewalks.
Lindsay Lohan’s probation is officially over. Well, at least her formal probation.
Now all she has to do is not break any laws for 2 ½ years. 2 ½ whole years. This may not seem like such a big deal to ordinary folks like you and me. Unless you count spending too much time online as a crime – in which case, we’re all getting locked up.
But as we’ve found out time and again, Lindsay is no ordinary girl. She’s managed to turn lawlessness into an art form. Asking her to stay out of trouble is like asking her to find a word that rhymes with “orange”.
(There isn’t one. I know you tried.)
But then again, who could blame the girl for being a big ol’ hot mess? Look at her parents. Fame-hungry losers who’ve been using their daughter as their foot in the door for years – oblivious to the fact that they’re a laughingstock. They make Britney Spears look like Donna Reed.
Please tell me you know who Donna Reed is. Google her.
This just isn’t fair. We’ve been burned so badly by our celebs lately. Every time you turn around someone’s either getting divorced, having a breakdown or dying. I’ve barely recovered from the knowledge that there are partially-nude photos of Octomom out there (I haven’t dared look, since I can’t actually wash my eyeballs – let me know if you’ve seen them). I’m not emotionally ready for a free Lindsay.
You know who IS ready for a free Lindsay? Her plastic surgeon. I’m sure they’re clearing their calendar and looking at travel brochures in hopes that she decides to go on a binge in celebration, since she’s apparently found a new vice to become addicted to.
Besides, she needs to look fresh-faced for all the work she’ll be doing. I’m sure she has a ton of quality projects in the pipeline.
But let’s look at the bright side: At least she can’t get arrested for too much plastic surgery. Right?
Jen is a blogger and freelance writer who has been finding new and innovative ways to overcomplicate things since the late 1970’s. Her blog, The Misadventures of Mrs. B, chronicles both her love of cooking and her uncanny ability to burn/cut/otherwise harm herself while doing so. It’s a bad combination. She also loves walking but tends to trip and fall easily. You can find her tweeting daily about the freaks she rides the train with and how much coffee she’s consumed at @MrsJenBardall.