FnS Hot Shit Cinco De Mayo Salsa

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis

I would really like to be one of those chicks who gardens all spring and summer long and shares her bounty with neighbors and starving children. But, I’m not. I grow dandelion trees. Trees. And you can’t eat dandelion trees. Or at least I’m not going to eat that. Despite my lack of a green thumb, earth-hugging, farmer’s-market rope sandal lifestyle, I do make a really great salsa.

I get all the freshly-grown stuff I need at Hellmart, which gets it from some third-world farming nation paying the farmers three-cents per case of peppers. That’s savings that’s passed on to me.


  • 4 medium sized tomatoes
  • ½ onion, diced
  • 2 jalapenos – big ones
  • 3 cloves of garlic, minced
  • 1 – 2 chipotles in adobo peppers
  • a fist full of cilantro
  • 1 T salt
  • 2 T cumin
  • 1 T sugar

If you like chunky salsa – not sure why you would, though – you can just dice up everything at this point and mix it all together. But, again, not sure why you’d do this. I chose, instead, to make my salsa smooth as the silk that worms are spinning in my trees.

Here’s where I really lose the coveted Earth Lover of the Year Award, as presented by Al Gore (remember him?):

I just chunk everything up and dump it in the blender. I turn the blender on chop or liquefy or pulverize and just walk away. Momma likes smooth salsa, y’all. Come back at the next commercial break from Friends, pour that sweaty, hot mess into a bowl and grab a bag of chips. Before you eat any, though, wash the blender. You’ll need to make a pitcher margaritas because this is hot. It’s not pretty, like a pair of good Birkenstocks, it’s good shit.


Heather Davis

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Heather Davis, Minivan Momma, has figured it all out. Follow along as she shares her tricks on how to juggle being a full-time, work-outside-the-home momma with two crazy, start-the-day-fighting daughters all while keeping her home neat and tidy, her toilets clean and her husband satisfied in bed (and not just on Saturday nights!). OK – it’s only one “trick”. The trick is to ignore it all. Also, drink lots of sangria. And laugh every day. You’re always welcome to laugh at her! http://www.facebook.com/IAmMinivanMomma


  1. Hot salsa, cold margaritas (fresh juice, not mix) and I can even wear my Birks?? Baby, shove over on the couch, would ya? I’m on my way. Recipe sounds gooood. As for why chunky salsa, it’s so you can load more volume on each chip. Silly. Then again, if it’s hot enough, that kinda mitigates the need for mounding one’s salsa on a chip.

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