Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 10

Olives Infographic on Funny not Slutty


Dear Suniverse:

Have you ever noticed that people who dislike olives are assholes? I mean, olives are awesome. They’re tasty and salty and you can stuff other food such as garlic or cheese inside them. Who wouldn’t love that? Answer: Assholes. Also, some people like only green olives but not black ones. I’m pretty sure that means they’re racist. Anyway, I’m wondering if there should be some sort of olive litmus test. Please advise.

Olive you. (Get it?!?)
lone With Cats


Dear Cat Fancier,

They ARE assholes, aren’t they?  I mean, WTF? OLIVES ARE DELICIOUS. And have you tried the oil? SUBLIME!

Seriously. People who don’t like olives are missing some genetic material that makes them function as normal, decent human beings. The presence or absence of the Salty Goodness Receptor [SGR] in everyone’s mouth is in direct correlation to whether or not that person is someone who is not an asshole.

As to the different types of olives, yes, there is absolutely racism present.  Why would you not love black olives? It’s not like it’s black licorice [which I tried once and am still trying to get that shitty taste out of my mouth].

Why would someone be all apartheid on black olives? Do they hate freedom? Assholes.

So, in conclusion, I would recommend the following litmus test:

Hey, do you like olives?

No? Go fuck yourself.

Yes – great, what about black olives?

No? Go fuck yourself.

Yes? Let’s be friends!

Sitting here eating kalamata olives by the handful,


Dear Suniverse, 

My husband claims to love my cooking but every single night he adds extra spices, sauces and toppings to whatever I am serving. Did I mention every single night? Anyway. Am I a bad chef or is he an asshole?

A Chef by Any Other Name

Dear Chef,

Yeah, sorry, he’s an asshole.
Except not really.

Because he DOES tell you that he loves your cooking.  Which earns him some redemption points.  And he may not even realize he’s being an asshole by saucing up your goodies [He does sauce up your goodies, doesn’t he? Otherwise this subject is dead in the water – the roiling, boiling pasta water.], because generally guys are pretty oblivious about corellaries.

Like, he will see absolutely no correlation between telling you that he loves your cooking and then basically taking your food and making a different meal out of it.  Two totally different things, in his view. Like telling you he’s not going to watch t.v. and then spending the day watching the Euro Cup through the Xbox, which, while it is technically seen on the television, is not broadcast on the airwaves, and is therefore not watching t.v. For example.

Maybe he loves your cooking as some kind of template that he can create from, like a personal at-home Mongolian BarBQ?  Or maybe he loves the fact that you’ve actually done the heavy lifting of making the food for him and then he can season it as he sees fit, which takes less time and effort?  Or maybe he’s not happy unless he can add his own little signature to each dish, like a latter-day Emeril?

Or maybe he’s just an asshole.
You never know.

Sitting here, waiting for carryout,


Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse.
Enjoy, lovers.


  1. I love olives — black, green, red, stuffed or un, pitted or.. um.. depitted. Wait: doesn’t pitted mean de-pitted? What do you call them if they still have their pit? Undepitted? I’m confused, but still love me some olives. Also? Black licorice is godawful. So is anything licorice-y: thus Good ‘n’ Plenty, Pernod, Ouzo, Sambuca. Blech. Black jelly beans? Blech. Does this make us both racist? But some of my best friends are black olives.

  2. I’m with Kablooey. Show me some Costco size jars of olives and I’ll have them dumped out and be rolling around in them faster than you can say Ann Margret and porknbeans.

    Ya hear that, Tommy?

  3. Kablooey – there is nothing right about any licorice flavor, you’re speaking truth to power. Love your best friends!

    Alexandra – I know! Olives are dangerous for me to have in my house. YUM!

  4. GrandeMocha says:

    I just had to go get some olives out of the fridge while reading this. I really like the green ones better but the black ones go better with Mexican and Greek food. We only get green & black low rent district. Never seen a red one.

    Does Zingerman’s have an olivemonger? Field trip?

  5. GrandeMocha says:

    Walgreens has some rassberry Australian licorice that is AWESOME!!! 100% better than Twizzlers.

    • I could go for something delicious like that. Twizzlers is hit or miss with me – sometimes it’s just too waxy.

      Olivemonger is my new favorite job description. We’ll have to check into this, for sure.

  6. Thanks for the heads-up that I’m going to need to trash the XBOX before the next round of Euro Cup.

    (By the way, what kind of sport is Euro Cup? Is there a ball? Are there lots of players? Just one? Do the teams even play it in rounds? In matches? Tournaments? Crap. I need to learn a lot. Like how to cook.)

  7. Everything bad is black: black eyes, black jelly beans, black twizzlers, blackballed, blacklisted, blackout, and yes, BLACK OLIVES (and possibly black Friday if you get trampled at the WalMart trying to return that fake gold chain your grandmama’s new boyfriend “found” for you). Green olives are delicious and blackjack is bad if you lose but if you win you get to pretend you never said it was bad because of its name. I never win.

    • BUT BUT BUT black olives are delicious. So tasty.

      I think we’ll still be friends, because I agree with you on the rest.


      The black olive thing.

      I don’t know.

  8. You are a wise, wise woman.

    p.s. I buy Kalamata olives at Costco because, obviously

  9. YUM.

    I knew I liked you – and Ms. Jessica – and this just confirms that you are both awesome. I’ll be finishing off my giant jar of pimiento stuffed green olives in a salad this evening, but I would never limit myself to only one color. I believe in equality for all deliciousness.

    As for the other question… I come from a long line of food smotherers, and while I have worked to curb the habit as I have gotten older, I also understand the compulsion. I don’t think I could eat a burger without ketchup even if someone was paying me to do it. Condiments highlight the best tastes of the food, in a way that cute clothes highlight our best assets. Trust me.

    • We need to have a nice olive party. There is actually a store in a nearby mall that is devoted JUST TO OLIVES. HEAVEN!

      Condiments are the best, aren’t the? What’s the point of food otherwise?

  10. I know I’m late to the party, I’m always late to the party, but I never met an olive I didn’t like. Oooh, you know what’s so good it should be illegal? Take a big olive (any color, I ain’t no racist, bitch), stuff that sucka with blue cheese, then wrap it in puff pastry and bake that MOFO. I swear to God, you will die and think you woke up in Bobby Flay’s sweet smokey ginger embrace. (TMI?)

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