Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis
A delightful dessert that will beguile your guests with subtle decorum. Not only pleasing to the eye, but titillating to the taste buds as well. Plus, it’ll make you look so much better than the Julia Childs-wannabe who brings a can of bean dip and bag of Fritos to the first pool-side party of the season.
2 lbs fresh strawberries plus 1 ½ cup sugar
2 lbs fresh blackberries plus 1 ½ cup sugar (do not use blackberry phones for this recipe)
Ingredients to make your favorite chocolate cake
Ingredients to make your favorite angel food cake (I like to use my Uncle Sam’s recipe for angel food cake and chocolate cake. I can’t tell you his recipe because he’s passed on. His store still sells his cakes, though; if you’re interested, his name is Sam Walton. Google him.)
1 cup heavy whipping cream
1 T powdered sugar
1 t vanilla extract
¾ c milk chocolate chips
3 T butter
1 t light corn syrup
1 t vanilla extract
Last night, I washed my blackberries and placed them in a glass bowl. I sprinkled them with 1 ½ c sugar and mixed them well, but gently. I put a lid on them and set them in the refrigerator. I did the same with the strawberries, but I quartered the berries before adding the sugar. This will allow them to sit better between the layers without turning the berries to mush. No one likes mushy cake.
Then, following my favorite cake recipes, I made angel food cake and chocolate cake. I made two 8-inch round cakes for each recipe. I tipped them from their pans onto cake racks and let them cool – covered – overnight.
There! That’s the hardest part of this lovely layered garden cake.
Before your party, you’ll want to make the whipped cream: In a mixer bowl, pour the whipping cream, powdered sugar and vanilla. Turn the mixer on and walk away. Let it mix for a couple of minutes until it’s doubled in size and extra fluffy.
While the cream’s mixing, melt together chocolate chips, butter and corn syrup. Stir this frequently, you don’t want it to burn or stick. Once it’s melted smooth together, remove from heat and stir in vanilla. Once that’s been incorporated, set it aside
— What the what??!!?!
OK. So, if you just walk away from the mixer, it might get too whipped, and it might spill out over the bowl. Fine. This cake will be just fine with some premade whipped cream straight out of your fridge.
Next, we’ll be slicing each of the round layers in half, maintaining their circle shape. This will give us the eight layers we need for this delightful dessert.
Using a sharp, serrated knife, slice one of the round layers of Angel food in half so that you are creating two round cakes instead of… Well, hell. You do have to make sure it’s even. OK, I’ll just take this uneven layer and chunk it in a bowl. It’s still good eating; it’s just not good for this cake. Elegant Seven-Layer Garden Cake is just as delicious.
Now, gently even up the other half of that round layer so your cake won’t be completely lopsided. CRAP ON A CRACKER. I think I cut myself. Wait – no… No. No injury, but I sure as hell don’t have a straight layer either. Why can’t I just cut a straight line? Never mind. Six-Layer Garden Cake it is. I’ll bet the bean-dip bitch is already dangling her feet in the pool.
How the freak does Martha freakin’-Stewart slice these layers so evenly? Great. JUST great. Now, I’ve got a bowl full of scrapped cake pieces. There’d better be an open bar at this pool party.
Speak to me, Martha! I’m losing my ever-lovin’ mind!
Wait. What’s that you say, Martha? I can make this work? Yes, I can! I can work this. I think I can spin this and still beat out the bean-dip. Yes. Yes, I can.
Grab a clear bowl. This will be so much better than a layer cake. It’ll be damn prettier, too. It’ll be shabby chic. Can food be shabby chic? It will be now!
Chunk the angel food cake into a layer in the bottom of your clear, glass bowl. Top with the sugar-glazed blackberries from last night. Since I don’t have homemade whipped cream, I’ll just grab the tub from the refrigerator. Or not. Damn it all! Who in this house thinks it’s OK to leave graham crackers in the whipped cream? OK, look. This cake will be delicious as it is without the whipped cream layer. Whatever. Deep breath in… Exhale. Let’s move on.
It will be alright, though. Whipped cream is overrated.
Next, I’ll chunk a layer of chocolate cake right on top of the berries. Then, I’ll drizzle it with my chocolate glaze – it’s alright if I have to reheat it slightly. It’ll be OK. Martha is coursing through my veins, and I’m gonna pull this cake right out of the crapper. After I’ve drizzled, I’ll top it with strawberries.
I’ll chunk more angel food, then more blackberries, then more chocolate cake, then more glaze, then more strawberries. Holy Hell. I’ve pulled it off! Martha would be so proud. The guests can scoop instead of slice. They can eat with their fingers OR a fork. They can have all the flavors of the layer cake without any of the hassle.
And bean-dip bitch can bite me.
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Heather Davis, Minivan Momma, has figured it all out. Follow along as she shares her tricks on how to juggle being a full-time, work-outside-the-home momma with two crazy, start-the-day-fighting daughters all while keeping her home neat and tidy, her toilets clean and her husband satisfied in bed (and not just on Saturday nights!). OK – it’s only one “trick”. The trick is to ignore it all. Also, drink lots of sangria. And laugh every day. You’re always welcome to laugh at her! http://www.facebook.com/IAmMinivanMomma