For the Love of Ketchup! – Leslie Goshko

I love ketchup! No, wait. “Love” isn’t a strong enough word. I’m “obsessed” with ketchup. Yes, obsessed! Hello, my name is Leslie and I’m obsessed with ketchup. Sure, you know ketchup for its practical purposes: gracing the bun of your double cheeseburger, acting as an essential ingredient for a meatloaf. But do you know that there are a plethora of other ketchup-combination foods that are just dying to be explored? Well, there are! And I’m here to tell you about just a few of them.*

*disclaimer—I know these will probably sound disgusting, as my husband tells me this on a regular basis. But since I have no shame and eat like a 20 year old frat guy, I don’t care. They’re delicious.

1. Ketchup Grits
It was a happy accident that I found out about this combination. Mainly because the ketchup I usually smother my eggs, hash browns, and sausage in found its way over to my pile of lily-white grits (Yes, grits. Don’t judge.). Not only does ketchup add a crimson splash of color to otherwise plain-looking grits, but you can then say, “Check out this shit! It’s fucking ketchup on grits!”

2. Ketchup Mac ‘n Cheese
Okay, there’s no other way that I found out about this one than I just made some mac ‘n cheese and poured a shit ton of ketchup on it. Sounds gross? Yes. But oddly enough, it works. Kind of like the odd but yummy combo of dipping your fries in a milkshake. Note: Neither of these are low-fat recipes. Hence, why they taste amazing.

3. Fried Zucchini Ketchup Cake
Alright, I’ve never tried this because I just made it up. But how awesome would a fried zucchini ketchup cake be?! Seriously! Your daily dose of veggies all snuggled up to the world’s most superior condiment. Stacks and stacks of fried zucchini with layers of ketchup in-between so you don’t even have to make the effort of dunking your zucchini into an inferior ramekin of Heinz 57. It’s all right there! My mouth is watering just thinking about it.
Note:  You, dear reader, may be gagging just thinking about it. That is a normal response. This is an advanced recipe and should not be attempted until recipes 1 & 2 have been mastered.

Also, anything “fried” is automatically okay to dip in ketchup. That’s a given.

Now, keep in mind that these are just a few suggestions for non-conventional ketchup recipes. I’d encourage you to come up with some of your own. Experiment! Have fun! You never know what you’ll learn about yourself in the process. Why, just from sharing about my own love of ketchup, I’ve learned that I have terrible dietary habits and eat like a homeless person. But that’s okay! It’s ketchup, baby!

 

Leslie Goshko

Leslie Goshko is a Manhattan Monologue Slam Champion, recipient of the New York Fringe Excellence Award, and host of the monthly storytelling series, Sideshow Goshko (Time Out New York “Critics’ Pick”). Her stories and comedy writing have been featured on Sirius XM, WNYC, NY Metro “Funny Page”, and her one-woman show, Vodka Shoes, played to rave reviews as part of the New York Frigid Festival. She’s also pretty proud to have performed in Hairspray on Broadway. http://www.ohmygoshko.com/ Also be sure to check out: Sideshow Goshko at 92YTribeca on June 28

Comments

  1. I have thought about making my own ketchup, because I also enjoy it’s delightful flavor, but then I realized Heinz does a very good job, and why would I try and compete with a conglomerate?

  2. Is it wrong that I now want to eat ketchup covered in ketchup deep fried in a vat of ketchup? Also, I’m totally trying number 2. Tonight. I’m going to squirt ketchup directly into my silver velveeta packet and squirt that mofo straight into my mouth. I mean, over my noodles.

  3. My ten year old son has asked me to ask you to please have yourself frozen like Han Solo did so he can marry you.

    xo

  4. @Suniverse–Heinz does set the bar pretty high. But if you make your own, you get to add your own special ingredients…like alcohol ;)

    @Sharona–hahaha…please do this!

    @Alexandra–a Han Solo mention AND a marriage proposal all in the same sentence? I’m flattered!

    Thank you all for reading/liking/tweeting! Best!

  5. These recipes all sound divine! We should have a ketchup-themed potluck of awesomeness!

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