A Pioneer Woman Parody by Heather Davis.
On Saturday mornings, when we raise our heads at the crack of dawn (or about 3 hours afterwards), we like to have a nice family breakfast (when we’re lucky enough to have all the ingredients together – otherwise it’s each man for himself!). We start with gathering the eggs. Expiration dates? Did you know there are expiration dates on eggs? Really? You did? I had no clue. But I say, screw it! They’re pasteurized, right? Besides, if I get sick, the stay in the hospital will be a nice break … I’m just keeping it real, here!
Lucky us! We found some sausage! The expiration date is very important on sausage; however, it was on the part of the package that is no longer with the sausage. There were no fumes or green tints, so we used it. This sausage is not organic or freshly ground. I don’t believe in actually making my own sausage. I do believe in buying the cheapest, fattiest sausage I can find at Hellmart, which I live just down the street from. I’m just keeping it real here!
I must say that I am totally loyal to this brand of bacon. Honestly. It’s the cheapest stuff out there. As long as I cannot find anything else cheaper, this will be my brand of choice. Nothing but the best for my family, I always say. Unless the best costs more than I can save using a coupon, then all bets are off. They don’t need good bacon. I mean, they’re just going to eat it. I’m just keeping it real here!
My hubby’s in charge of the biscuits (and the whole rest of the meal because he really has been up since dawn). I would totally prepare the entire meal for my family, but that would require a couple of things that I’m just not willing to give up: 1. I’m not willing to wake up that early to make breakfast at breakfast time. And 2. If I were to spend all that time cooking breakfast, I’d lose valuable Facebook time. Madmen’s status update will not like itself. But, just so you know, my hubby and I both know how to make REAL biscuits. But, seriously, why waste that time and effort MAKING the darned things when you can pop open the can and VOILA! BISCUITS!?!? I’m just keeping it real!
Making our meals is a family affair, and the kids love to get involved. My youngest daughter, for example, likes to be right in the mix of our family activities. On this particular morning, she crawled right up on the counter and dragged her nail polish with her. My husband was all like, “No. No fingernail polish on the counter.” Jeez…Could you image, though, breakfast without your nails done? (Notice the nice pattern: pink, pink, purple, purple, pink.) Sometimes, my hubby is a killjoy. Who doesn’t just melt at the aroma of nail polish mixed with canned biscuits … MMMmmmmmmmmmm – it makes my belly wiggle – it really doesn’t take much to do that, though. A good laugh, moving quickly, picking up socks from the floor. All those make my belly wiggle, too. I’m just keeping it real here!
Back to breakfast: OK – it’s really important to get the can of 10-biscuits on the baking stone before you do anything else so that they can be in your way while you’re doing everything else. Just set them right in the middle of your stove and forget about ‘em! Except when you keep bumping stuff into the pan. It’s a good vocabulary lesson: Teaching your children fifty different versions of “dammit” first thing in the morning is just good learning. I’m just keepin’ it real, babies!
And, please, for the love of all that’s rich: Do not waste your money on new pans. When one has a handle to break off, just head over to my mom’s house. She has 1,000s of pans and eats out for every meal. She’ll never know when one is missing. Then, just take it home and let your kids scratch the hell out of it with metal utensils. She’ll never believe it was hers. Besides, Teflon is not bad for you, right? What? It is? Who says and since when? What the hell… I’m just keeping it real!
Next thing you need to do is set the biscuits out on the stone. What? They’re already on the stone? OK, then. Just take a moment to look at that hand. It’s a man’s hand. There’s nothing sexier than a man who cooks breakfast. BUT, you’ve got to keep your night gown on while taking pictures. Trust me – if you’re all skin exposed then you could get bacon greased popped onto placed where bacon grease should not be popped. Even EL James drew the line at bacon grease in her bestseller Fifty Shades of Emo Sex. Plus, if you’re naked in the kitchen, your daughter may just paint pictures on your skin with her fingernail polish. I would assume. Not that I’ve ever had a heart painted on my ass. BUT, if you do stay in your nightgown, your hubby will think it’s foreplay and go along with your little shenanigans. He’ll probably cook the whole meal if you just keep saying things like, “Mmmmm… Baby knows I like it scrambled.” I’m just keeping it real here, peeps!
Occasionally, just turn the water on and let it run. That’s right. For no good reason. It’s a natural resource. It’s not like we’ll run out or anything, right? I’ve seen the water towers in town and they still look full to me. Also, keep a bottle of dish soap by your sink. It will give the impression that you actually do the dishes. And impressions are so much more important than actual deeds.
Since there’s not much sausage left, be sure to fashion them into weird shapes so your children won’t eat them. That way there will be more for you and your sexy man who’s cooking you breakfast. “That’s right, work that sausage…” I’m just keeping it real, honey!
Again. I’m totally a name-brand freak in that why in the WORLD would I pay one whole dollar more (I’m being serious here!) for the EXACT SAME no-stick spray? So, I don’t. I buy the Great Value brand because, well, it’s a great value. And, well, I’m totally cheap. Also, that whole aerosol vs the ozone business: It’s not my problem. I mean I’m just one person and I only use the spray when I’m cooking. Let’s face it… it’s not THAT often.
See, again, breakfast is a family affair. My first born smelled the bread and meandered into the kitchen. Bread, after all, is her food group of choice AND, she’s out to prove that man CAN INDEED live on bread alone. And jelly. Bread and jelly. Eventually her eating habits will land her on an episode of 20/20. I’m just keeping it real!
See this cutting board? I got it at IKEA. It cost $3. I didn’t pay for it; my mom did. My mom – she rocks that way. See, we had my daughters with us and, as most people know, my daughters are good only in small doses. So by the time we had found our way from the ultra cool kitchen gadgets to the exit, my mom was pretty much done with the constant “Can we have this? How does this work? Is it supposed to bend this way?” that she told me to just take the kids and go find some traffic to play in. I tried to give her some money, but she said it was totally worth it for me to just go. Of course, I didn’t just leave her to fend for herself; I tossed a couple of bamboo breakfast trays in the cart before chasing the girls through Ikea’s grocery section. I’m just keeping it real.
Finally, breakfast is on the table. The bacon apparently magically cooked itself. I think I might have been watching reruns of Friends at the time. Breakfast was taking so long to cook and I was getting weak. I can’t be expected to actually stay standing up after I’ve just slept 10 straight hours. Also, I think it’s important for every family to keep their piggy banks and finger nail polish on the table for most meals. Try it. I think you’ll find it surprisingly in your way! I’m just keeping it real!
Again, don’t forget to randomly run water.
Heather Davis -
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Heather Davis, Minivan Momma, has figured it all out. Follow along as she shares her tricks on how to juggle being a full-time, work-outside-the-home momma with two crazy, start-the-day-fighting daughters all while keeping her home neat and tidy, her toilets clean and her husband satisfied in bed (and not just on Saturday nights!). OK – it’s only one “trick”. The trick is to ignore it all. Also, drink lots of sangria. And laugh every day. You’re always welcome to laugh at her! http://www.facebook.com/IAmMinivanMomma