Now I’m not going to sit here and berate you on your hypocritical religious beliefs. I saw that Mitt Romney was your commencement speaker, Liberty University. (…I watch the news…and yes, The Daily Show can be considered “news.”) Last I heard y’all called Mormons a “religious cult.”
And I’m not even going to talk about your uncanny ability to alienate any person who doesn’t conform to your “ideals.”
But if you are going to make me listen to a twenty minute introduction about the groomsmen in your fucking Southern Baptist “dry” wedding BEFORE food has even been served, you better believe I’m going to openly pour vodka into the sparkling apple cider you’re trying so hard to pass off as champagne.
Side note: If the usher has to constantly announce that the groomsmen, “is a good Christian man, and he’s fun to hang out with!” He’s not fun to hang out with.
Look, maybe I’m just a Catholic asshole, but if you are going to invite people to partake in your joyous union of holy matrimony, filled with bubbles and blessings and a shit ton a praying…there better be a fucking open bar, and you better believe I’m going to be standing right next to it, with a beer in one hand and a double shot of jager in the other.
And if there isn’t a bar, I’m going to find one…and constantly leave the reception only to come back with a beer in one hand and a double shot of jager in the other.
Oh I’m sorry. Does that offend you? I’m Catholic; it’s what we do.
And when did this whole “Drinking alcohol publicly is a bad thing”/”Being loud and obnoxious is frowned upon”/”Wearing a strapless mini dress with candy printed on it and paired with 5 inch, fire engine red, stiletto heels at a wedding automatically makes you a whore” movement occur?
All those things make me happy, assholes! You should never frown upon someone’s happiness, overly religious assholes that don’t know how to have a good time.
You all look so miserable, too. Or maybe you just look miserable while looking at me, the drunk heathen in the strapless mini dress? Whateva, you can’t deny the fact that my legs look fucking amazing as you stare at me with those Christian death eyes.
Even Jesus would be like, “Bitch you look bangin’.”
“I do, Jesus. I really do.”
And I don’t even care that you don’t drink, well that’s a lie, it drives me crazy that you don’t drink. But I just think you all need to stop caring about everyone else’s alcoholic preferences and think to yourself, “What would Jesus do?”
You know what Jesus would do? He would turn your fucking apple cider into gallons of Pinot Noir! No seriously, he totally would. It’s in the bible and shit.
So how about we take that cork out of your ass, and put it back in the wine bottle, but only after Jesus has publicly humiliated himself by attempting the Cupid Shuffle for the third time in a row.
I know, I know. He’s God and all, but someone really needs to teach him how to hold his liquor.
Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comedian but the reality is she’s a NYC girl trying to make it big. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).