God Bless American Hamburgers, Finger Food Edition

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis

We excitedly opened our invitation to a friend’s annual July 4th cookout. At the bottom, in fine print, was her new jacked-up plan: We won’t be grilling out; bring finger food to share. What? It’s the fourth of July. No grilled food? When the hell…did the French take over?

I called her and told her that here behind the Iron Curtain, we had burgers for the Fourth of July. It was the American symbol of liberty and overindulgence. Plus, I’m pretty sure Rush Limbaugh wrote it into the Patriot Act. She giggled and said they were going for a more sophisticated menu. I slammed the phone down on her ear. We contemplated not going to such a high-brow, frou-frou event; but that would mean I’d have to cook an entire meal. Instead, I decided to make some finger burgers to share. One way or another, we were going to have burgers for Independence Day. God Bless America and American hamburgers!

1 ½ lbs ground beef, that’s the stuff burgers are made of. I’m sure the hostess would have preferred organic, free-range beef, but I just bought what was on sale at Hellmart – it’s the American way.

8 oz Velveeta, I’m not even sure it’s any kind of cheese, much less actual food, but damn! It’s good stuff!

2 T ketchup or catsup or BBQ sauce if you wanna go all fancy-schmancy

1 T mustard, just the yellow stuff

½ T garlic powder, you could mince a clove, but let’s not get carried away here.

salt, pepper, however much you want – it’s your burger and you are FREE to flavor it as your wish. Thank you, George Washington for our freedom to pursue flavor.

½ onion, minced finely, or not finely – it’s a free country!

1 large dill pickle, chopped finely, or two if you like the dill flavor; you could even save some pickle juice to brush over the dough to give the finger-burgers a bit of a dill-dough taste.

3 cans of refrigerator crescents, you can get the flakey kind or the buttery kind. Again – free country!

Brown and drain the hamburger. With the skillet still on a low heat, add the Velveeta. Chunk it up before adding it so that it will melt better. Add the salt, pepper, garlic ketchup and mustard, stirring until it’s all well blended. It’ll be hard work stirring, but just remember our forefathers who stirred until their arms gave out to secure our freedom. Once it’s blended well, turn the heat off and add the pickles and onions, making sure they’re all blended in as well.

Unroll the individual crescents and add a scoop of the hamburger mixture to the middle of each crescent. Fold the big ends around the scoop and then wrap the tip of the crescent around the scoop. OK, so the wrapping part seems pretty darned sophisticated Place all filled and folded crescents on a cooking stone and bake according to the crescent package directions.

There! Finger hamburgers! Sofisticated, my ass… Let’s party! Happy Fourth!


Heather Davis

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Heather Davis, Minivan Momma, has figured it all out. Follow along as she shares her tricks on how to juggle being a full-time, work-outside-the-home momma with two crazy, start-the-day-fighting daughters all while keeping her home neat and tidy, her toilets clean and her husband satisfied in bed (and not just on Saturday nights!). OK – it’s only one “trick”. The trick is to ignore it all. Also, drink lots of sangria. And laugh every day. You’re always welcome to laugh at her! http://www.facebook.com/IAmMinivanMomma


  1. Sophisticated menu? 4th of July? Damned Commies!

  2. We had turkey burgers for July 4th.

    We may be secretly French.

  3. Harriett Smith says:

    Looks good,,,,, invite me when you fix them!!

  4. All hail the dill-dough! I’m quite the pickle lover. Hehe. She said dildo. Beavis and Butthead are American, right? Way to go, Heather, with your fancy shmancy directions about the cooking stone, like I’ve got one of those laying around. Can I make finger burgers in the George Forman?

    • I bet you could Foreman them. I wonder how bread would be on a Foreman? You try it and let me know. I don’t know that i have it in me to clean up the mess should it head south.

  5. Wow, I would have been tempted not to go too! I don’t think I would have been able to drag my husband. Your crescent burgers sound good though!

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