Perfect Unimaginably Lazy Cuisine – Noa Gavin

It’s long been thought that either people can or can’t cook. Either you have a natural flair for the culinary arts and know exactly what spices to use, or you burn everything in sight.

There’s no in-between in this logic, and I defy that by existing today and not having wasted away into starvation long ago.

In fact, that grey cooking area is vast and full of questionable food, because some people are just too lazy to cook things properly. It’s not that you don’t know how to cook well or eat every meal out—it’s that you don’t care enough to make a huge meal every day for…yourself.

I am that woman. Share in my apathy, won’t you?

 

Poached-Ass Eggs

  • Get out an egg
  • Put that bitch in a bowl, shell and all
  • Nuke it for 2 minutes.
  • DONE.

And you will get a poached-ass egg for your lazy breakfast.

Update: This was a terrible idea. This is only good for molten-egg Russian Roulette. 1 out of 5 Nuked Eggs will explode when poked with a fork. Unless you want to scrub egg out of everything in your home, don’t do this.

 

Pitcher Brownies

  • Get out some brownie mix, some yellow-ish oil, and another fucking egg
  • Put all of that in a plastic beer pitcher
  • MIX THAT SHIT UP
  • Microwave it until it’s probably okay and mostly cooked in the center (does a knife come out clean? If yes, then it’s done. If not, microwave more.)
  • Dump Ice Cream on top of the pitcher brownies and eat while watching TLC.
  • DONE.

Update: If the eggs exit slowly from the shell, throw out everything. Trust me. Slow Eggs=Bad Eggs. Turns out they have expiration dates.

 

Garlic Bread

  • Grab some Wonderbread, slap like, 4 pieces on a cookie sheet or just some foil or something
  • Spray them bitches with Butter Pam
  • Shake on an indiscriminate amount of garlic salt, garlic powder, and black pepper if you’re feeling spicy.
  • Turn on the broiler (the button next to Clean) and take them bitches out when the corners are brown.
  • DONE.

Update: Broil button is RIIIIIGGHHT next to the Clean button. Be careful. If you press clean, you just get to watch your bread flame horribly for 5 hours while it cools to the temperature of the surface of the sun.

 

Pasta Salad?

  • Grab that box of Phineas and Ferb Kraft Mac-N-Cheese that you aren’t ever going to make
  • Boil that shit
  • Drain it when the Platypus pasta is fully squishy
  • RINSE IT DOWWWWWNNNNN to cool it off
  • Pour on some salad dressing that isn’t Ranch or Bleu Cheese. You can use those if you want, but you will have regrets in doing so. Also? Gross.
    • Bonus: Fake Bacon is really super delicious and adds a nice crunch here that is really underrated
  • DONE.

 

Update: You’re going to hate yourself for eating it. There’s not much sadder than this.

Oh God. There’s no gray area. I just can’t cook to save my life.

 

Noa

Noa Gavin is a deliriously irreverent 20-something comedian who fears children, butterflies, and the death of Michael Bolton. Because she’s not managed to offend everyone yet, she was chosen as one of the 2011 BlogHer Voices of the Year. When she’s not creeping out everyone who lives in her building, she’s writing at Oh, Noa, scouting for The League of Funny Bitches, and working with her sketch team, HorribleSketch.

Comments

  1. Am I supposed to shell (and by shell, I mean un-shell) ((stupid english language)) the egg when I make the pitcher brownies? I don’t know if shell adds a nice crunch that is really underrated to the brownie recipe. If no, can I add Bacos? Because bacon + chocolate sounds really, really good. Then again, I am very tired and nearly drunk right now. Awesome coincidence: my college cover band was called Squishy Platypus.

  2. I subscribe to the one-ingredient-only method. “Recipe for disaster” takes on a whole new meaning in any kitchen of mine.

    Clearly, we are soul sisters in this.

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