Summer Olympics Quiz by K A B L O O E Y

olympic rings

Summer Olympics Quiz

Which five “Sports” are in the Modern Pentathlon?

A) Laser Pistol

B) Laser Tag

C) Platform Diving

D) Cake Decorating

E) Fencing

F) Riding Horses

G) Swimming

H) Running

I) Biking

J) Tap Dancing

Which one is the actual Olympic athlete?

A) Parker Posey

B) Dakota Earnest

C) Cody Champion

What is the 2nd most dangerous place to be during the Olympics?
A) At the top of this roller coaster looking thing:
olympic tower

B) Men’s bathroom at Olympic Village McDonald’s after Power-Lifters eat dinner.

C) Walking before or after the Israeli team during the opening ceremony.

Answers: A,E,F,G,H; B – She’s a trampolinist.  Trampoliner? Who cares, really; toss-up.

What are the five stupidest Summer Olympic sports?

5) Synchronized Swimming:
Olympics Synchonized Swimming

How was synchronized swimming created?  First there were ice skaters, then there was Ice Capades, then Al Gore melted the polar ice caps.  And, voila!  If global warming continues, in 300 years there will be Vapor Gymnastics.

 

4) Rhythmic Gymnastics:
rhythmic gymnastics
Rumors persist that rhythmic gymnastics was created so that the less coordinated children of Politboro and KGB big shots would stop maiming themselves by flying off uneven bars or into pommel horses. These kids were given colorful ribbons, hoops and balls and told to dance around with them so that they too could have a shot at achieving the Olympic dream. The sport has evolved: practitioners now look like contortionists, chinese acrobats or “exotic dancers” that perform tricks with ping pong balls at bachelor parties.

 

3) Trampoline: Trampoline became an Olympic sport at the 2000 games, narrowly beating out tetherball, freeze tag and competitive tanning.

 

2) Race Walking:
Olympic Race Walking

I have bad knees, and thus, I understand… (breaks into unladylike snorts and guffaws).. forget it.  I can’t take this sport seriously. Watch the race walking video above and see if you can keep from shouting “Run!  Keep one foot in the air; you can do it!  You’re an Olympic athlete for god’s sake. Not someone from The Ministry of Silly Walks!”

 

1) Dressage:
dressage

Take a gorgeous, powerful horse and, instead of letting her run free, have an extremely white person in a top hat (from a country that’s still mad the whole colonizing thing has run its course) sit on her back.  Then make the poor animal skip, pirouette and dance around like conjoined twin marionnettes doing a happy dance.  It’s impressive (that word means “monumentally sad,” right?) that these horses can learn to move in such an obviously unnatural way, but how did an animal act get to be an Olympic sport? And furthermore, how come the horses don’t get medals?  Let them get on the podium next to the riders!

 

K A B L O O E Y

K A B L O O E Y is a 47 year old non-practicing filmmaker who lives with Phineas at an undisclosed suburban location. Their three kids are Moochie (6), Lonzie (20) and The Big Puppy (22). She (who am I kidding, I’m writing this myself) tweets @kblooey and has two goals: 1) To make creative work a central part of my life, and 2) To keep my family from needing the services of the Supernanny.

Comments

  1. Smooshiest says:

    First, I need to applaud you for even watching some of these “sports”. I watched the opening ceremonies and while I think Danny Boyle is a brilliant director, there were too many things that didn’t make sense (giant baby?); they cut out some dance sequences for a boring Seacrest/Phelps interview – that might have tied things together for me (probably not). I waited 4.5 hours for Sir Paul and while he was excellent and seeing him choked up made me love him even more, I think they could have given him a little more exposure. In any case, I think your observations are brilliant and I could never have come close.

  2. So this confirms something I hoped was not true, i.e. that race walking actually is an Olympics sport. As a diehard Monty Python fan, when I saw the clip of those athletes swishing quickly over the bridge towards the Houses of Parliament during NBC coverage last night I thought, “What? No. Not really. Not when baseball got dropped from the Games.”

    Evidently, yes.

  3. @ Smooshy: Who said I watched them? And thank you so much. I also forgot to tape the opening ceremonies. I wonder what Kubrick would have done with them…

    @Nancy Davis Kho: You know what I realized when looking for good vid clips? Race walking is much funnier when shot from the front, whereas dressage is funnier when shot in profile. Unfortunately, this info probably replaced my ss# in my teeny mental rolodex.

  4. You hit the nail on the head about dressage. So upsetting to watch! And, as you described, the race walking is hilarious! Wish I’d seen this post back during the Olympics when I felt like the only person in the entire world not into it (and not watching).

  5. Racewalking?? How could I not know? This is the thing: it’s so enjoyable to watch, it’s like not real, and therefore: so damn funny.

    Thanks for finding it for me, K, and HAPPY I WaS ABLE TO see you at BlogHer!!

  6. “Extremely white people” do weird stuff.

  7. Oh man, these commenters would make for a rocking’ girls’ night out. Am I right?

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