Summer Olympics Quiz
Which five “Sports” are in the Modern Pentathlon?
A) Laser Pistol
B) Laser Tag
C) Platform Diving
D) Cake Decorating
F) Riding Horses
J) Tap Dancing
Which one is the actual Olympic athlete?
A) Parker Posey
B) Dakota Earnest
C) Cody Champion
What is the 2nd most dangerous place to be during the Olympics?
A) At the top of this roller coaster looking thing:
B) Men’s bathroom at Olympic Village McDonald’s after Power-Lifters eat dinner.
C) Walking before or after the Israeli team during the opening ceremony.
Answers: A,E,F,G,H; B – She’s a trampolinist. Trampoliner? Who cares, really; toss-up.
What are the five stupidest Summer Olympic sports?
5) Synchronized Swimming:
How was synchronized swimming created? First there were ice skaters, then there was Ice Capades, then Al Gore melted the polar ice caps. And, voila! If global warming continues, in 300 years there will be Vapor Gymnastics.
4) Rhythmic Gymnastics:
Rumors persist that rhythmic gymnastics was created so that the less coordinated children of Politboro and KGB big shots would stop maiming themselves by flying off uneven bars or into pommel horses. These kids were given colorful ribbons, hoops and balls and told to dance around with them so that they too could have a shot at achieving the Olympic dream. The sport has evolved: practitioners now look like contortionists, chinese acrobats or “exotic dancers” that perform tricks with ping pong balls at bachelor parties.
3) Trampoline: Trampoline became an Olympic sport at the 2000 games, narrowly beating out tetherball, freeze tag and competitive tanning.
2) Race Walking:
I have bad knees, and thus, I understand… (breaks into unladylike snorts and guffaws).. forget it. I can’t take this sport seriously. Watch the race walking video above and see if you can keep from shouting “Run! Keep one foot in the air; you can do it! You’re an Olympic athlete for god’s sake. Not someone from The Ministry of Silly Walks!”
Take a gorgeous, powerful horse and, instead of letting her run free, have an extremely white person in a top hat (from a country that’s still mad the whole colonizing thing has run its course) sit on her back. Then make the poor animal skip, pirouette and dance around like conjoined twin marionnettes doing a happy dance. It’s impressive (that word means “monumentally sad,” right?) that these horses can learn to move in such an obviously unnatural way, but how did an animal act get to be an Olympic sport? And furthermore, how come the horses don’t get medals? Let them get on the podium next to the riders!
K A B L O O E Y
K A B L O O E Y is a 47 year old non-practicing filmmaker who lives with Phineas at an undisclosed suburban location. Their three kids are Moochie (6), Lonzie (20) and The Big Puppy (22). She (who am I kidding, I’m writing this myself) tweets @kblooey and has two goals: 1) To make creative work a central part of my life, and 2) To keep my family from needing the services of the Supernanny.