Let’s get real, women of America. You want a book that will make all your lady-parts tingle in unexplainable ways? Oh wait… You actually do want a book that makes your lady-parts tingle in unexplainable ways? I thought that’s why they invented Youporn.com. People still read porn? Gross.
Anywho, I was lucky enough to sit (in front of my computer) and converse with author Court Burback (via e-mail) about her latest e-book, “A Coupla Shades of Taupe.” It’s got sex, it’s got intrigue, and VD. It’s got a shit ton of VD!
Download her book IMMEDIATELY and read my interview with this lovely lady…
FBS: First off, where did you find your inspiration for Mr. Taupe? Former lover? Future lover? Daddy issues?
CB: Of course I don’t have daddy issues! And I’m incredibly insulted you insinuated that based on my work. But FYI: If you’re reading this, Papa…what’s it going to take for you to freaking love me?!! I couldn’t play football for USC because I was top heavy! And I couldn’t be an accountant because I still count things on my fingers! But I wrote a book just for you…so love me! Love me!!!
FBS: There’s a lot of sexual tension just oozing out of this book, like literally oozing, would you like to elaborate on that?
CB: To be honest, when I read Fifty Shades of Grey I was disappointed in the book as a romance novel. Nobody died and all the sex was consensual. I realized that I could do better. The lack of power tools and sex clowns in modern romance novels is heartbreaking, so these were the first things I addressed. Everything else just came naturally, and the next thing I knew I had a book dripping with so much sexual tension you need a ShamWow to mop it up.
FBS: Your book read a lot like an autobiography, is that a safe assumption for the readers to make?
CB: No. Alexandra Aluminum is a whiny brunette narcissist with serious emotional problems.
I’m not a brunette.
FBS: Are you a method writer?
CB: By method writer do you mean someone that plunks herself in front of a computer, drinks her bodyweight in absinthe, and eventually passes out at the keyboard? If so, then yeah…I’m that.
FBS: Two words: Maroon Five. Go.
CB: I would never be so bold as to assert that Maroon Five is the greatest band since Milli Vanilli, but the fact that the lead singer is willing to go through puberty during each and every song—how can you not be impressed?
FBS: Would you say your book is an accurate representation of every female’s dreams and desires in America for a sexual lover and/or soul mate? And if so how can these ladies find themselves a “Pagan” of sorts?
CB: Studying Lifetime movies is a great start. When you watch these movies, note the things Rob Lowe looks for in a partner—beauty, intelligence, a reluctance to call the cops. And yes, I can say with authority that every woman in America craves a man like Pagan Taupe. Or at least a guy that knows his way around a gerbil.
FBS: Where do you see Alexandra in five years?
CB: Governor of Alaska.
FBS: Will Candy Box ever get her lady parts fixed?
CB: Doubtful. And besides, a contagious vagina is like a loaded gun. It adds tension and intrigue to any story.
FBS: Oh, oh, oh! Pagan—he’s gay, isn’t he?
CB: Whoa! That’s a bold accusation, missy. Just because a man loves the Backstreet Boys, dresses his Chihuahua like Cher, and inserts his winkydink into another man’s rectum doesn’t mean he’s gay. Sheesh.
FBS: Do you have any final words for your readers?
CB: Yes. To fans of A Coupla Shades of Taupe: Thank you so much for your kind words and emails. And to fans of Fifty Shades of Grey: Please stop sending me anthrax.
Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comedian but the reality is she’s a NYC girl trying to make it big. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).