Héléne Bouffant, World-renowned Fashion Stylist – Back to School!

Congratulations, Funny Not Slutty readers.

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my first column for FNS.

Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

I have done it all. I have been fired, locked out, or ostracized from nearly every major fashion house. Dolce & Gabbana, Calvin Klein, Forever 21 –  you name the brand, and I have undoubtedly burned them to the ground…..usually figuratively, but on some unfortunate occasions involving hot glue guns, literally.

For today’s column, I will be talking about “back to school” fashion. Normally I do not work with people under 6-feet-tall, but I shall make an exception for your small, sticky creatures.

As I began to look around to see what was “in” among smaller people, I was thrilled to find that some major fashion houses have started their own lines! Finally, someone looked at the market and said, “But what about the wealthy children? What shall THEY wear?” Well, Oscar de la Renta, Gucci, and Dolce & Gabbana now all offer options for the nose-picking set. After all, children are just teeny tiny adults. There’s no need to infantilize them.

Here are a few precious gems I found that are sure to make your child the envy of other children and – more importantly – most adults.

For your little girl, I suggest this sweet pink coat from Oscar de la Renta ($295 with matching hat). She can look just like Jackie O……albeit on the day Kennedy was assassinated, but still……..JACKIE!

 

Pair it with this Oshibana print dress by Gucci ($485), which just screams out, “I am a little girl who enjoys flowers and buttons and stiff collars and cuffs and FLOWERS!” Oshibana, for those who don’t know know, means “expensive flat flowers” in Japanese. Domo arigato, Mr. Gucci-ato.

Add these $555 leggings from Lanvin (the two extra 5′s are for quality), and I believe you have the perfect outfit for your little dream-stealer.

 

As for your young man, might I suggest this dapper look from Gucci?
This little gentleman is sure not to get beaten up because his bullies simply won’t know where to start.

I also wanted to make sure I provided some options for those of more modest means, so I searched among the shops of the lower class. What a delightful experience it was, much like an anthropologial study. I felt like Dian Fossey going to live among the gorillas. After hours upon hours of searching, I finally landed upon a lovely little shop out of France called, “Wal-Mart” (the T is silent, I believe). Here are two pieces I found that I consider “must haves” for fall.

 

Why not let your little girl express her inner diva with this Tinkerbell shirt ($8.00) that says, “You wish you were me.” HA! Delightful.
She can pair it with a tutu skirt or some leopard-print leggings to complete the “bitchy tween” look.

And for the working-class young man, I suggest this hoodie from a place called Sears.

Isn’t it fabulous?! It zips all the way up to become a mask with see-through mesh for the eyes and mouth! I simply adore safety, and this jacket promises to keep his pimply little face warm when that chilly fall weather arrives. You can be sure he will be the center of attention when running errands at the bank or the convenience store!

And what about the teens? Well, I did some research into teen trends, and according to Seventeen magazine, the 80′s are back! I for one say, THANK GOD. I have been waiting for this day since January 1st, 1990.

Puffed shoulders and vests are BACK IN for Fall 2012, teens! Even that hat from Benny and Joon made an appearance at the Teen Vogue back-to-school runway show!

Teen Vogue also recommends the equestrian look, and so do I! Jodphurs and boots are all the rage. Just look at this young woman from their show. Doesn’t she look like she’s just bursting with the rage?

And finally, the back alley prostitute look made popular by Willow Smith is what all the girls will be wearing. I have said for years that there is no one more bold in their fashion choices than your average street-walker. And just look at how they’ve inspired this look –  animal print jacket with gold lamé miniskirt? Why, I’d say someone is ready for fourth period algebra!

Those are my choices for back-to-school. I’ll be back in a couple of weeks with another column featuring my picks for Fall 2012.

Till then, you’re welcome.
Héléne

 

Meredith Bland

Meredith Bland is a freelance writer and mother of twins from Seattle. She blogs at Pile of Babies: Take a Knee, I Have Nonsense to Spew (http://www.pileofbabies.com).

 

Comments

  1. You are funny and fabulous; welcome to the not slutty gang. (BTW: I really don’t think Jacki checks sluttiness references.) I have one question: can you introduce me to Tim Gunn? Now for the fun part:
    Bouffant. Bouffant. Bouffant. *POOF* Wow, I thought you were b*llshitting me. (Hmm, may have bleeped out the wrong letter there. Sorry, dear. Don’t smite me.) These sequined harem pants are awesome! The sequins are getting caught on my chair, but that’s the price you pay for fashion I guess. I’m going to go intimidate the neighbors now.

    • Thank you so very much. I will happily prove my sluttiness upon request. Just get me a scotch and take me to AppleBees.

      Tim Gunn is a lovely fellow, but he gets horrible flop sweat. That’s why he always wears a jacket.

      You’re welcome,

      Helene

  2. Brains and a bit of smart assedness. Fashion, and poking fun at fashion: I’ve always loved the combination.

    You’ve brought us FNSers up a notch.

    Nice to reach up on the bar.

    WELCOME. You made me laugh, and it was a bit of high browness to it: which always is nice to remind me I can still get the quick ones snuck in there.

    HAPPY TO HAVE YOU.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] debut column as Héléne Bouffant, disgraced fashion expert! In her first column, Héléne talks back to school fashion. Share [...]

  2. [...] Not Slutty: You can read my first two Héléne Bouffant (disgraced fashion stylist) columns here: Back to school fashion, Fall fashion [...]

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