I’m not gay (as far as I know) but I would like to get it on with my manicurist. Is that wrong? I’ve always wanted to ‘experiment’ but the opportunity has yet to present itself. Of course it might help if I leave the house once in awhile, but my agoraphobia is a whole other post.
I probably should’ve done something about this when I was in college. Isn’t that when this sort of shit happens? There’s a fraternity party on the quad, and you and your sorority sisters are doing jell-o shots with the men’s AND women’s lacrosse teams, one thing leads to another and the next thing you know, a pillow fight breaks out and you trip and fall right into your roommate’s cooter? At least that’s what I’ve always imagined that it would be like. I know, too many Lifetime movies and porn.
Unfortunately, I went to the film school at NYU, where sororities were nonexistent and there were two fraternities. The quad was Washington Square Park, and it wasn’t exactly teeming with blond haired co-eds. I suppose if I wanted to get it on with a mullet sporting, pot smoking, brooding, grunge (or just plain dirty) gal, wearing Converse sneakers (and a snarl), who spews directorial techniques from the school of Scorsese or Renoir, then I would definitely have my pick.
My boyfriend wants to do a threesome, and really, what man doesn’t, so when I met my manicurist a few weeks ago, I fantasized about my college curiosities becoming a reality, as well as my boyfriend’s menage a trois dream. It would be a win win.
My manicurist, who I shall call Evita, is really cute, and very well groomed, duh. As I sat there, watching her cut my cuticles, I started thinking about how I might broach the subject. It turns out that it isn’t quite like asking where she bought her sandals. “So, do you party?” I once trotted that line out one night, when my boyfriend and I were thinking about what we would say to a prospective third party. He didn’t think that that line was going to get either one of us laid. I agreed.
But what do I say? How do I bring up the topic to a complete stranger? I can ask her if she has a boyfriend but what would that tell me? I have a boyfriend and look what I’m writing about. We started talking about random shit, like where she went to college, where she lives, and how long she had been working at the salon. Evita still lives at home, and she used to be a dancer. A dancer?! I love dancers. I used to dance. I’m a dancer, and a dancer dances. Relax, I didn’t say any of that out loud.
I told her that I was a Pilates instructor and she told me that she’d tried it once and loved it. This was my ‘in’, so to speak. I didn’t want to sound like a perv or that I was selling myself, but I gave her my business card (I seriously felt like I was auditioning) and I told her that I train people in my home studio, if she ever wanted to try it out again. Okay, maybe that sounded a little pervy, but only because I was envisioning gentle fondling in between the Pilates Hundred and the abdominal series.
She didn’t seem too impressed, so I dropped it. She started applying my top coat and I knew that our time together was coming to a close. Men flirt with women all the time. Why can’t I flirt with Evita? If we were in a gay nail salon, then the chances of us both being gay would be pretty high, and flirting wouldn’t seem odd. But we weren’t in a gay nail salon, I wasn’t gay and god knows what her orientation was. She could’ve been Mormon for all I knew. Hmm, kinky.
There should be universal words, or phrases, that a curious hetero like myself, could say to another hetereo (curious or closed off) to see if they would be interested in a little experimentation, without insulting or offending anyone. How about the following?
“Are you curious?” Too general.
“Do you play?” Too general.
“Have you ever had the urge to lick another woman’s breasts or bury your head in her cooter? Would you like to?” Too specific?
What would you say?
My first headshot was my mugshot, taken after getting arrested for tagging in my hometown. Other lofty accomplishments include working out at the NYU gym alongside Adam Sandler, while attending film school. Iʼve written for film and television, worked as a stand up, and written and performed two solo shows in NY & LA. Work appears in Pilates Style Magazine, Blogher.com, ModernMom.com, and EvolvedWorld.com among others. I blog about being caught between life as a single girlfriend and a life being a stepmom-ish-type. Did I say caught? I meant trapped. www.thegirlfriendmom.blogspot.com