10. Anchovies. Do you know how scientists explain the development of anchovies? A long time ago, the fishiest tasting fish grew as big as the sun, then collapsed in on itself, to form a super-condensed black hole of ultimate fishiness.
9. Baseball in general, and the Yankees in particular. Save all your “slower than paint drying” cracks for when you’re tailgating in -14 degree weather at that Bears game. At least when I watch my team, my eyelashes don’t freeze together.
8. Wes Anderson movies. It’s true: if you look up “twee” in the dictionary, there’s a picture of Anderson in one of his tight little suits. But Rushmore was awesome and bears repeat viewing.
7. Scuba diving. A haiku:
In broiling sun,
sucking air out of a hose,
That’s all true, but you are also flying, weightless, like Nemo but without the mom-murder, helicopter dad and fish napping.
6. Pretzels and chocolate. Preferably dark chocolate. I sprinkle a little sea salt on top of chocolate chip cookies when I bake them and crumble pretzels onto chocolate ice cream. But if you put pineapple on pizza, or mustard on hamburgers, I will mock you. And god help you if you try to pour that liquid licorice Anisette crap in my delicious coffee. (Very dark, no sugar.)
5. Leonard Cohen. Yes, he looks and sounds like your dead uncle Herbie, the one who went around saying “Ach, the world today is a cesspool and I want to die.” Yet somehow he got the girls. Did you know that he and Justin Bieber are matter and anti-matter? That they can never be in the same place at the same time, or the universe will explode in a fiery cataclysm to rival the Big Bang (or the creation of anchovies)? Look it up; it’s science, yo.
4. Kathy Griffin. I do not care about any of the Kardashians, Brittany Spears, Barbara Walters or The Housewives of Plastic Surgery. I don’t give a damn about almost everything she talks about, yet I like her. It was My Life on the D-List that did it for me.
3. Lobster. How unbelievably hungry was the poor sea cave dweller who looked at the giant underwater bug with finger-crunching claws and thought… “Mmm. Ooga eat water roach”? But it’s my favorite food.
2. Raw oysters. Phlegm on the half shell. See Ooga, above.
1. Survivor. Jeff Probst has crossed over from simply annoying to actively interfering in the game. The editing is manipulative and gives too much air time to cretins, pathological liars, girls whose exuberant breast pontoons can’t be held back by their bikini tops and pretty boys who list their occupation as “bartender/actor.” Yet I still watch. You didn’t realize it was still on the air, did you?
K A B L O O E Y
K A B L O O E Y is a 47 year old non-practicing filmmaker who lives with Phineas at an undisclosed suburban location. Their three kids are Moochie (6), Lonzie (20) and The Big Puppy (22). She (who am I kidding, I’m writing this myself) tweets @kblooey and has two goals: 1) To make creative work a central part of my life, and 2) To keep my family from needing the services of the Supernanny.