How can I make enough money so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Sadly Not a Trust Fund Baby
Dear Worker Bee,
This is the question we all ask ourselves when we finally run out of opportunities to hit the snooze bar. It’s a question that plagues us all, and what makes it worse is that there are few good solutions to the problem.
Sure, you can work and save and retire early, like those people do on the infomercials that try and sell you 10 DVDs on how to manage your money for the easy payments of $29.99 per month for three months.
Or you can come from money, like rich people do. If this hasn’t worked out for you, I say, blame your parents. Those bastards fucked things right up for you, didn’t they?
But if neither of those options is a go, you’re left with the following:
Play the lottery. This is not going to make you any money by actually winning, BUT you can become friendly with the guy who sells tickets and create some sort of evil cabal where if he does happen to sell a winning lottery ticket, you can figure out who bought it by looking at the film from the security cameras and stealing the ticket out from under their noses. Or pillows. Or wherever they keep a winning lottery ticket. I wouldn’t know, as I’ve never won.
Marry rich. This is a good option if you haven’t been born rich. A good way to do this is to follow the fine example of one Anna Nicole Smith, who came from nothing and ended up married to The Cryptkeeper – I mean, that old guy in the wheelchair. She’s a hero to us all, except for the whole dying of an overdose thing. I’d stay away from that.
Invent something. I think people who invent stuff are pretty rich, if Bill Gates and the Pinkberry guy are anything to go by. So think of something that you’d like to see in your life, like an at-home pedicure kit that comes with a recording of someone talking shit about you in another language so that you can have smooth feet and an inferiority complex without having to go anywhere.
Since I can’t think of cool stuff to make, I’ll be over here, practicing my pole dancing moves.
Relaxing in the cabin of my private jet,
Long time reader, third time emailer. *BLUSH*
I am in love with a guy in my building, and I just know he’s the perfect man for me, but he’s married. Is it ok if I sneak into his time machine, go back in time to before they met, disguised as Tom Cruise, and turn her into a lesbian, so that he never marries her and instead falls in love with me in the future?
Also, why do I hate most people?
Dear Apple of My Eye,
Let’s get on this.
There are few sure-fire ways to prevent the person you love from doing something as stupid as going off and marrying the wrong person. We can look at the movies – eh, you know what? Let’s not. It seems like any romantic comedy stars Julia Roberts or Sarah Jessica Parker and I cannot handle that many teeth or that much cackling on an empty stomach.
It’s my understanding that there’s going to be another Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure movie, which means we now have the means to travel back in time without bothering Michael J. Fox for the keys to the DeLorean [did you know that guy STILL MAKES CARS? HOW BADLY DO YOU WANT TO OWN ONE RIGHT NOW?], so we can focus. I know that I’d love to spend some quality time rooting around in history, buying up Beanie Babies and knowing exactly when to sell them before the market drops [bye-bye, daughter’s college fund!] while you Tom Cruise yourself into lover boy’s life.
Also, I think both Bill and Ted would be down with fucking around in the space-time continuum in order to get the results we’re looking for. Making the now-wife a then-lesbian? Excellent!
As to why you hate most people, I’ll simply point you to the outside world. There’s just no excuse.
Waving to you from my bunker,