I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.
Summer is almost over, and the time has come to cover up your flesh, my saucy whores. But what are the trends for Fall 2012? I had no idea, so I went to the website StyleList.com to find out. Below, I have some of their/my picks for Fall. By the way, you should know that StyleList does not appreciate e-mails that both criticize their site while also asking for a job. Héléne Bouffant is blocked again.
My theme for fall is: “Don’t let that stop you!”
- Brocade patterns everywhere!
Brocade, which shares the same root as the word “broccoli” (ed: this is true), is a richly decorated fabric that typically features pictures of broccoli (ed: this may not be accurate). And brocade is going to be your fabric of choice this fall. Here is an example from the runway:
Osman Fall 2012 Ready to Wear presents this brocade suit – with cape! Imagine the shiny yet regal statement you will make in this piece. Don’t be afraid to use bold pattern from head to toe! People will look at you and think – that is a woman who latches on to an idea and commits……..like a baby tiger suckling from a bottle held by a terrified zoo worker. You suckle from the teat of fashion.
But it does not have to stop there. Luckily, you have Héléne Bouffant to guide you. So I will kick things up a notch and allow you to truly wear brocade everywhere with this brocade underwear from Etsy.
The seller, named Jupiter Moon 3 (obviously, Jupiter Moon 1 and 2 were taken) states that these underpants feature a “tie side for performance.” So if you are in the market for fashion-forward performance underpants, I recommend these. They have tassels!
Héléne Bouffant LOVES feathers! I have always said there is no such thing as too many feathers, and I have been proven right yet again by Alexander McQueen’s Fall 2012 collection. Just look at this lovely frock:
Now, I admit that I don’t see where the arms go in this dress, but don’t let that stop you! You will be a tall, fluffy column of feathers, gliding down the street with your visor sunglasses, bumping into telephone poles but cushioned by your clothing. Who needs arms when doors are opened for you?
“But Héléne,” you shriek, “What if I don’t need a feather dress?” And I say, “Don’t be a idiot. Every woman needs an armless feather dress.” And you say, “You are right as always, but what about other options?” AH! How about some feather hot pants?
For sale on Etsy by Las Vegas based seller Sajeela Design, these shorts allow you wear one of this season’s trends on less formal occasions. Sajeela Design suggests that these are most appropriate for burlesque shows or belly dancing, but don’t let that stop you! Wear these shorts anywhere you want to express your sense of humor! Or wear them to the zoo and act as bait for the lions. You will get some great pictures!
3. Fur accents
Is fur still out? I don’t know, because fur has always been in for Héléne Bouffant. In any case, fur accents are what you will be wearing this fall.
Check out this bathrobe coat from Ralph Lauren. I LOVE this. It reminds me of that lovely if somewhat greasy boy called Mystery from the show “The Pick up Artist”, mixed with the aged sexual energy of Hugh Hefner.
Or you can go the more subtle route, with this fur-accented suit by Philip Lim. It’s like your suit jacket is wearing a fur coat. Adorable!
4. Statement hats
YES. Héléne Bouffant loves to make a statement. And for statement hats for the fall, look no further than Marc Jacobs. Here are two of my favorites from his runway collection. One for your wild days and one for your more refined days. Both will give you that air of mystery. Mysteries like: Who is this woman? What is that hat? Can she see? What if she’s blind? Did a salesperson take advantage of a blind woman?! Do I need to report this?
5. Lots of leather
If you are anything like me, and you couldn’t possibly be, the novel 50 Shades of Grey reads like an excerpt from your journal. Needless to say, Héléne Bouffant loves leather, but hates chafing. Which is why this suit from Alexander Wang is my recommendation for the fall leather trend. This “black lambskin trench coat with vinyl bib” sounds ready made for lovemaking – lambskin for protection, vinyl bib for cleanliness. Paired with a fishnet turtleneck with quad-nipple pasties, this is a look that screams, “I don’t have to teach high school English tomorrow. LET’S DANCE.” Pulling the turtleneck up over your mouth may not be your style, but don’t let that stop you! In the event that you contract certain sores or warts (Héléne is all too familiar with this consequence of dangerous love), you may be glad for it later.
6. Blanket coats
Ugh. Blanket coats. They are like brown paper bags for your body. For example, see this offering from my nemesis, Michael Kors.
While I admire his combination of a fringe, fur, and stripes in a poncho, I cannot recommend anything designed by the baby-soft hand of evil.
I decided to do my own search on Amazon.com for “blanket coats.” Oddly, the search results consisted almost entirely of coats for dogs. And I did find some rather sporty outerwear for my Chihuahua, Galliano. But as I continued to search, I stumbled upon this gem:
It’s called a Snuggie, and it is the ORIGINAL blanket coat. Stick THAT in your pipe and smoke it, Kors! So my recommendation for Fall 2012 is the Snuggie. Wear it everywhere, and don’t forget to tell people that Héléne Bouffant recommended it. And that Michael Kors…He’s a HACK.
Meredith Bland is a freelance writer and mother of twins from Seattle. She blogs at Pile of Babies: Take a Knee, I Have Nonsense to Spew (http://www.pileofbabies.com).