Helene Critiques Seven Fall Magazine Covers

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

Hello, lamb chops. In this column, I will look at the much-revered fall issues for fashion magazines. Why is the September issue so important? Shhhhhhhhhh………….let’s not dwell on the details. Just buy what we tell you and for god’s sake don’t eat whatever it is you are about to eat.

Here are my thoughts on seven of September 2012′s magazine covers.

1. Vogue: Of course! The grand-dame of magazines. But I don’t say that to mean “old”, of course. More of a youthful, “who is your doctor” kind of grand-dame. And on this month’s cover, we have Lady Gaga. It might not surprise you to know that I think Lady Gaga is the absolute height of fashion. If I could get every woman in America out there in a nun’s habit covered with blood and 12 inch platform shoes, I would have done my job.

2. W: I don’t know who this person is but I do love the look of a set of balls nestled delicately below one’s throat. And they promise to tell you about “10 Trends You Can’t Live Without”! So I beg you to hurry and buy this magazine before you fall to floor dead, wishing you had purchased an oversized coat and fairy-tale dress.

3. Harper’s Bazaar UK: If you aren’t receiving the British versions of all of the major fashion magazines then I simply don’t know what you are doing with your time. Here is Keira Knightly looking sad, unkempt, and fabulous, ready to tell us how “happiness is fleeting.” Couldn’t you just die from the misery? I love it. Also in this edition of Harper’s you learn how to change your skin and look for colors and shapes. If you have a friend who has recently been hospitalized, I think this is just the magazine for her!

4. Marie Claire: IT’S MILEY!! The cover says she will talk about her “F*** yeah attitude on life and love, and Liam.” Well, I think we could all see that new haircut coming, now, couldn’t we? Mm-hm. I do applaud Marie Claire – a magazine targeting young working women between the ages of 21 and 34 – for putting a 19-year-old singer/actress on it’s cover. Something to aspire to, ladies! There is also an article about sex slaves but don’t let that get in the way of your fashion. Do what I do and just rip that part out! FASHION! MILEY!

5. Flare: Gold and gap-toothed? I love it! In fact, I, Héléne Bouffant, looked into getting a gap placed between her two front teeth a few years ago, but was hard-pressed to find a dentist who cared enough about fashion to do it. Perhaps in a few years, when our country catches up to English dental care. At any rate, in this edition of Flare you will learn about “The Return of the Suit”! You didn’t know suits were gone? Yes, we know. We’ve all been rolling our eyes and laughing as you kept showing up to work in them. Embarrassed? Well, don’t be any longer because as of today you are back in style! Well done!

7. Cosmopolitan: This is, by far, the best cover for fall. Let me tell you why. First off, there is a story titled, “I used to snort cocaine for breakfast.” I can only assume that she has upgraded, but to what? I don’t know! But I can’t wait to find out! Second, Cosmo will tell you how to “Get Model Girl Skin.” But I feel it is my duty as your fashion and beauty resource to give you a couple of pointers about this: please make sure that the model girl is over 18, just for the sake of ethics. You will find that the skin will still be supple and elastic. Also, be sure that she is completely unconscious before you begin to remove the skin! Let’s not be savages, ladies. Other than that, the runways are your oysters! I wish you happy hunting.

 

Meredith Bland

Meredith Bland is a freelance writer and mother of twins from Seattle. She blogs at Pile of Babies: Take a Knee, I Have Nonsense to Spew (http://www.pileofbabies.com).

 

Comments

  1. Oh, how I love this.

    Just my kind of humor: dash those covers to the ground, smart lady.

    Happy to have you here, and this was awesome.

  2. As one classy motha, I simply live for your fashion advise! I’m putting away my burlap tunic and pulling out my gold pinstripe suit with heart shaped neckline today!

    • I thank you, Kim. You will look fabulous in your suit. Do you have a gap between your front teeth? Was your nose broken once and did it then heal crooked? How about a pronounced limp?

      No?

      I swear, it’s like no one cares about fashion anymore.

  3. Sooooo funny!I’m sharing. And now there’s another blog I have to read! Damn.

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