10 Lies Men Text To Women (And The Truth Behind Them!)

Ladies, I am not one to claim to be the guru of all things Man, but I will definitely admit that I know a fair amount about the opposite sex. Why? Because I spend an awful lot of time around them, talking about them, drunkenly (and soberly) texting them, and deciphering their text messages. Male Text-Speak is one of the hardest languages to decipher, so I am here to help you understand how you may currently be deceived. In fact, there are ten very common lies that men text to women on a regular basis. I am sure you and I have received the same text, and not necessarily because we slept with the same guy (if you’re in improv comedy, though, we probably did).

These are ten lies that I know that men text to women, and the truth behind them. Be warned: you may not like what you read, so I would advise you to reach for the cookie dough and preemptively begin eating your feelings. I’ve got my spoonful of peanut butter ready.
 
1. Hey! Wanna hang out later?
You may read that and think “that’s a question,” but in fact, that’s a lie. First of all, “hanging out” is a euphemism for “boning,” so there you have it! You thought he wanted to play Scrabble and watch old episodes of Buffy, and maybe make some stovetop chili if you were getting comfortable. However, “hanging out,” which seems too friendly to be true – in fact is. Men who want to date you don’t want to hang out. They are capable of coming up with more eloquent phrasing than “hanging out.” Like “pasando el rato” for instance. Yes, that’s “spending time” in Spanish, but it demonstrates effort.

You may say – but, Mallory – if a guy just wanted to get it on, wouldn’t he just say text me at 2 AM? Yes, he would! And he would invite you to “hang out.” Believe me, “hang out” is actually “hang out…naked.”

The exception to the I-want-to-bone-you rule is that he has zero interest in you, just as a friend. Then this becomes a text worth crying over, because you’ll just end up buying your own beer and wallowing in your financial independence (or not, if you just want to be his friend. But if you just want to be his friend, too, you’re not analyzing a text.)

More specifically, when is this “later” that we’re hanging out? Vague! I call you out on vagueness!
 
2. Cool.
Again, you may accuse me of claiming that a response like “cool,” is a lie. But let’s be honest for a hot second (since honesty is the key here): have you ever said cool to something that actually was, indeed, cool? If you did, you definitely didn’t use a period. You probably said “cool!” Or “Awesome!” Or “Amazeballs!” (that might just be me, but still). If a guy texts you that what you did over the weekend is “cool,” then he thinks it is lame. End of story. I know this because whenever I tell men what I’m eating or feeling they always just say “cool.”
 
3. In a movie.
Wow. Not even a full sentence? One of two lie options here, my female cohorts: 1. I’m in a movie….and I’m whacking it – or – 2. I am NOT in a movie, and I am, in fact, whacking it. “Movie” is code for jerking off. Obviously. I just want a man who texts me when he’s jerking off. “Hey, sorry, babe, can’t talk right now, I’m jerking off.”
 
4. Sorry, but I’m tired.
Men don’t get tired. Men don’t go to sleep. Okay, fine, that’s presumptuous of me to assume, but if a man is tired, he’s not going to apologize for it. No! Instead, he’ll say something childlike like, “I’m sleepy,” (because men regress to age seven and half with feetie pajamas when they get – on the off chance – tired) or “I’m gonna go to bed” (when his circadian rhythm kicks in). This is a lie. Sorry, but I’m tired is actually I don’t like you enough. Or, I’m wide awake playing video games…which I like more than you. So I suppose those two are the same.
 
5. Ah! My friends are in town! I can’t!
My ex girlfriend with who I’m also sleeping with is in town! I can’t! But I can tomorrow!
 
6. : – )
That’s such a lie. He meant to say : ). What sort of emoticon has a nose? A fake one, that’s who.
 
7. Yeah, I had fun, too.
Oh, you’ve gotten this one. You went on a date, slept with a guy, gave him a (gulp) beej (I just called it that, didn’t I? Shudder.), and you text him, “hey. had so much fun last night :) .” Then you get this esoteric mess of a text. What it actually means is, “I didn’t have fun, but this an obligatory text because I like to practice chivalry and assume the countenance of a fine gentleman, but you actually had kale in your teeth all night from your lunch. Also, who eats kale?” I draw this conclusion from personal experience.
 
8. Lol.
This is on par with “cool,” but almost worse because who says “lol” anymore? Long gone are the days of AOL-speak. I mean, “haha” is enough of a smack in the face (“that’s not really funny, but I don’t want you to feel badly because I think you’re pretty”), but “lol” is lower than haha. Let’s face it, though: we’re all guilty of committing this textual fallacy: no one who ever says “lol” is EVER laughing out loud. Pardon me for my blanket statement, but I think it’s a general truth.
 
9. Nah, I’m busy.
Anyone who says “nah” and “busy” in the same sentence is definitely not busy. Busy people don’t say “nah.” Fact of life. That generally means, “I don’t want to,” or “I have leftover lasagna, and I CANNOT WAIT TO EAT IT.” Then again, I suppose eating is an activity that qualifies as “busy,” but I’m pretty sure that men who claims to be “busy” want you to have an image in your head of them writing papers for law school even though they play in bands and dropped out of college.

We’re at the last text, and I know what you’re thinking: “wow, Mallory. You’re a cynical bitch! Does almost every text mean “I don’t like you” or “I don’t want to see you” or “I just want to bone you” or “I’m trying to deceive you in some way?” The answer is yes. But find a guy who sends you texts like, “taking a dump” or “ah, totally wanna dry hump you,” or even better, “I’m gonna eat a pizza and then masturbate while playing video games – I’m ambidextrous!” and you’ll go running for the hills. And there’s no fun in not having something to analyze. That’s, like, the point of being a girl. Hyper-analysis, right?

So, I leave you with the last lying text:
 
10. Have you met Mallory Schlossberg? She’s the most normal, classy girl ever. I want to date her. I bet she’s a virgin, and never writes about guys, ever!

 

 

Mallory Schlossberg is a writer and performer living in New York. Her original one woman musical “Molly Marjorie Rosenblatt Needs A Man (And Other Stuff)” has been performed multiple times at The Magnet Theater. For more of her musings, visit www.schlossed-by-mallory.tumblr.com, and follow her on twitter @malloryschloss.

Comments

  1. Funny stuff. Mallory. You point out one of the fatal shortcomings of texting: Context. Sometimes a one-word reply is perfectly acceptable; other times it denotes a lack of interest, or just pure laziness.

    I’m not a big fan of texting, mostly because I feel it’s undermining people’s grasp of proper grammar and spelling, but also because it’s so dehumanizing at times. It reduces interactions to the fewest possible syllables and withers the very purpose it’s supposedly serving: Communication. (Less is NOT more)

    How about counter-balancing this with “10 Lies Women Text To Men (And The Truth Behind Them!)? It’s only fair, and could be every bit as humorous – especially coming from a woman herself, like a confessional of sorts. (I’ll keep my eyes peeled) :)

Speak Your Mind

*