Héléne Bouffant: Fashion for Obscure November Holidays

I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.

Happy November, my peasant friends.

November is a month that most people associate with family, and Thanksgiving. But not me: Héléne Bouffant. The month of November is a month of mourning for me.

You see, as a child, while most little girls begged for kittens and ponies, I pleaded for my parents to gift me with a turkey. Oh, how my schoolmates laughed. But ever since first setting eyes on those noble creatures at my Mamaw and Papaw’s farm, I was enchanted.

 

Majestic. Like Helen Gurley Brown wearing a feather wrap.


One year at Christmas, mother and father gave me the most adorable little poult (that’s a baby turkey, as those of us turkey-philes know). I named him Gerhard, a suggestion from my grandfather. He said it was a name of great significance to him from his time in the war. I decided to humor him, and my heart would sing whenever I encountered him with my turkey in his arms, absent-mindedly stroking his delicate neck while whispering, “Bald, Gerhard…Sehr bald…” I didn’t know what was going to happen “soon”, but I was sure it was going to involve hugs for Gerhard!

Gerhard and I played happily together for many years out on the farm. He was my first model (anyone who says that you can’t put a turkey in a corset simply hasn’t tried).

Sadly, one year at Thanksgiving, Papaw had one of his walking nightmares. He crept to the barn in full military dress, and murdered poor Gerhard in a revenge-fueled flashback.

 I blame myself – I was working on a line of historical accessories at the time.

 

In light of my heartbreak and hatred of Thanksgiving, I have decided to share my fashion advice for the other, lesser-known November holidays.

 

Aviation History Month

There is no better way to celebrate Aviation History month than with one of the new Virgin America uniforms designed by Banana Republic. Finally, those people who lotion my feet in first-class can have a mid-income sense of style!

 Sassy! Though I do worry that those dark uniforms will be filthy after they shave my bunions.

 

International Drum Month

Celebrate international drum month with this drum major uniform. It has everything you could want to show your love of drums – a flipped down collar (saucy!) and a velvet turtleneck. It says, “I’m a drummer who know how to have a good time if you know what I mean and I think you do.”

Please note – when you invite your friends over fondue on Drum Night, mind your sleeves! It is very difficult to get cheese dip out of velvet.

 

National Adoption Awareness Month

When I think adoption, naturally I think of Angelina Jolie. Now there is a woman who knows how to make running an orphanage stylish! If you choose to adopt, your pack of orphans don’t have to look like they came straight from the set of “Oliver!” No – they can wear black, and cardigans, and sunglasses indoors, and be FABULOUS.

 

Native American Heritage Month

Well, this is a tricky one. The magnificent Gwen Stefani recently pulled her new video after she was criticized for dressing like a Native American. But I can only imagine that she was criticized for not being a sexy Indian. Well, good news! Victoria’s Secret just put this stunning creation on the runway for their annual fashion show!

 

Hi ho, Silver!

 

Go forth, and enjoy Native American Aviation Drum Adoption month! I’ll see you in December!

Meredith Bland

Meredith Bland is a freelance writer and mother of twins from Seattle. She blogs at Pile of Babies: Take a Knee, I Have Nonsense to Spew (http://www.pileofbabies.com).

 

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  1. [...] 3. If you want to know how to dress for obscure November holidays, check out my November Héléne Bouffant column at Funny Not Slutty! [...]

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