Single during the holidays, ladies (and gents)?
Let’s get real for a hot sec, that’s the best way to do it. Asides from those Kay Jeweler commercials making you feeling inadequate as a human of the female (and/or male) population, or your mother constantly asking you if you are a lesbian in public bathrooms, oooooorrrrrr having every one of your siblings (and their significant others) give you the, “Ahhhhh, she had so much potential when she was younger…and then her hair turned that icky shade of brown,” stare, it’s really not that bad at all!
You have to remember that when you do not have a significant other, you don’t have to worry about anyone else but yourself. Is that selfish? Abso-fucking-lutely.
But god dammit does it feel all warm and tingly inside! (It really does. I’m doing it right now.) Haven’t convinced you yet? Don’t worry. I will.
- You don’t have to eat in front of anyone that you are having sex with.
I don’t like eating in front of guys I’m dating (and/or sleeping with). It’s not pretty. It consists of talking with my mouth full, dollops of mayo and some lewd attempts at sexual gestures with meat in my hands. Sexual, I know. Yet it seems to have little to no avail on actually upping my sex appeal. People really don’t seem to want to boink the lady with a vat of Hellman’s mayo close at hand.
- You get double portions.
Eating your emotions is a beautiful, God given right, America! So is passive aggressively making your family feel like shit for already finding their “soulmates” before you. So just make sure you request a table setting filled with all your favorite foods seated conveniently next to you as “motivation” for finding a significant other. And then when you are on you’re your second bottle of wine you can drunkenly cry into your “motivation” plate and state, “Maybe I just wasn’t meant to be loved?” Expect to be showered with “just because I love you, “ gifts in the next five to seven days.
- You don’t have to have sex after eating your feelings.
Or you totally can, too. Different strokes for different folks. I personally want to sleep with my unbuttoned jeans still on, because I was too full to shimmy those skinny jeans over my ankles, in the privacy of my own bedroom. But that’s just me. Plus, I don’t really want the added pressure of having to pretend I enjoy sex while bloated, gassy and slightly constipated. But again, that’s just me.
- You can make a shit ton of sexually inappriopiate comments now.
You’re hammered at this point. (And yes, still single.) So let’s pull that sassy charm out of your ass and start making well-timed black jokes. “Hey mom! Guess who loves the dark meat…if you catch my drift? This girl!!!” She will then awkwardly laugh, slowly look up to the sky to nonverbally tell the dinner table that she is thinking about her first man of a different race….and…wait for it…yep, there’s the smile of satisifaction! Now that’s called family bonding.
Now that’s called winning, America.
Slutty but Funny
Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comedian but the reality is she’s a NYC girl trying to make it big. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).