1. Don’t fight.
2. If you do fight, fight in hissy whispering.
3. Don’t sass
4. If your mom asks you if you sassed back, say “No, ma’am, I was just clarifying.”
5. Don’t hit.
6. If you do hit, hide it like you were walking past your brother or sister and tripped.
7. Even if it’s hard, mind your own business.
8. If you don’t mind your own business, tell your parents you were just worried about your sibling’s safety. Because you love them.
9. No name-calling.
10. If you do name call, say you meant it as a term of endearment. “Oh you little poopyface. I love you.”
11. No swearing.
12. If you do swear, blame it on your parents losing their hearing. “Mom I did not say I hope he gets his ass destroyed. I said, ‘I hope you get your asteroid’ for Christmas.”
13. Do your homework every night.
14. If you don’t do your homework every night, pretend to be holding your U.S. History book open on your lap, with your Nintendo hidden inside.
15. Try new foods your parents make for dinner.
16. If you don’t like the new foods, spread them around on your plate so they look like less and then say “Boy that was so good I just wish I hadn’t eaten a whole bag of popcorn at school right before you picked me up.”
17. Do your chores.
18. If you don’t do your chores, make it look like you did your chores–keep the area under your bed as a free space so you can jam your toys, books, clothes in there at the last minute.
19. Don’t lie.
20. If you do lie, say all the double negatives in your parents’ question mixed you up. You meant to say you did NOT not not do it.
21. Take a shower, brush and floss, comb your hair, change your underwear, make your bed, and be polite. If you don’t take a shower, get the shower door wet. If you don’t brush or floss, get the toothbrush wet and leave a string of floss on the counter. If you don’t comb your hair, leave a brush sitting next to the sink. If you don’t change your underwear, just put a ball of clean ones in the laundry basket, if you don’t make your bed, just throw the top blanket over everything like you’re going on a picnic.
22. You can’t fake the Be Polite — Hold the door open for everyone, say Happy Holidays to everyone, smile at everyone.
Just forget numbers 1 through 21. Do only number 22, and you’ll win your parents’, your grandparents’, your teachers’, and your siblings’ hearts for the holidays.
Alexandra is an overanalyzing, oversensitive mother of three boys who somehow found herself named as BlogHer ’11′s Voice of The Year for Humor. She has been a mother since 1994, which means she hasn’t been right about anything since. She blogs of the sweet and the funny while trying to go unnoticed in her small town. You can find her at Good Day, Regular People. Did we mention socially awkward? We should, which is why the internet was made for her.