A Child’s Guide To Increasing The Likelihood of Getting What You Want For Christmas by Alexandra

1.   Don’t fight.

2.   If you do fight, fight in hissy whispering.

3.   Don’t sass

4.   If your mom asks you if you sassed back, say “No, ma’am, I was just clarifying.”

5.   Don’t hit.

6.   If you do hit, hide it like you were walking past your brother or sister and tripped.

7.   Even if it’s hard, mind your own business.

8.   If you don’t mind your own business, tell your parents you were just worried about your sibling’s safety. Because you love them.

9.   No name-calling.

10.  If you do name call, say you meant it as a term of endearment. “Oh you little poopyface. I love you.”

11.  No swearing.

12.  If you do swear, blame it on your parents losing their hearing. “Mom I did not say I hope he gets his ass destroyed. I said, ‘I hope you get your asteroid’ for Christmas.”

13.  Do your homework every night.

14.  If you don’t do your homework every night, pretend to be holding your U.S. History book open on your lap, with your Nintendo hidden inside.

15.  Try new foods your parents make for dinner.

16.  If you don’t like the new foods, spread them around on your plate so they look like less and then say “Boy that was so good I just wish I hadn’t eaten a whole bag of popcorn at school right before you picked me up.”

17.  Do your chores.

18.  If you don’t do your chores, make it look like you did your chores–keep the area under your bed as a free space so you can jam your toys, books, clothes in there at the last minute.

19.  Don’t lie.

20.  If you do lie, say all the double negatives in your parents’ question mixed you up. You meant to say you did NOT not not do it.

21.  Take a shower, brush and floss, comb your hair, change your underwear, make your bed, and be polite. If you don’t take a shower, get the shower door wet. If you don’t brush or floss, get the toothbrush wet and leave a string of floss on the counter. If you don’t comb your hair, leave a brush sitting next to the sink. If you don’t change your underwear, just put a ball of clean ones in the laundry basket, if you don’t make your bed, just throw the top blanket over everything like you’re going on a picnic.

22. You can’t fake the Be Polite — Hold the door open for everyone, say Happy Holidays to everyone, smile at everyone.

Just forget numbers 1 through 21. Do only number 22, and you’ll win your parents’, your grandparents’, your teachers’, and your siblings’ hearts for the holidays.

 

AlexandraAlexandra

Alexandra is an overanalyzing, oversensitive mother of three boys who somehow found herself named as BlogHer ’11′s Voice of The Year for Humor. She has been a mother since 1994, which means she hasn’t been right about anything since. She blogs of the sweet and the funny while trying to go unnoticed in her small town. You can find her at Good Day, Regular People. Did we mention socially awkward? We should, which is why the internet was made for her.

Comments

  1. Ah, yes, of course. Number 22 will hide all manner of un-good behavior.

  2. The way to everyone’s heart: manners, civility, decency.

    Happy Holidays, wonderful Suni.

    I love you.

    xo

  3. haha i love how there is a clarifying one for each good one…smiles…and in the end…be polite…merry christmas empress…smiles.

  4. Thanks, B.

    I can never say thank you enough for what a presence you have been in my life, and auggie’s . You’re a special person, and I appreciate it.

    Happy holidays, B, to you and your beautiful wife and children.

  5. 20 and 21 are time worn and double-blind tested. I’ve heard, I mean. I wouldn’t know personally, because I live by the odds from 1-19. But for others, I’d recommend 20 and 21.

  6. #21 is the shizz, isn’t it?

    I’ve caught Baby E in every single one of those lies.

    Happy Holidays, Kablooey . I think about you so much. xo

  7. Ah, the open book with the Nintendo tucked inside. Or the Nintendo under the sheets when he is supposed to be sleeping. (I know it well.)

    And I agree – #22 is a definite holiday cure-all!

    • That sneaky liittle Nintendo, my boy hides it under his pillow and then I have to take it away from him for the weekend.

      *sigh*

      Happy holidays, and a peaceful New Year to you!

  8. Oh, this has to be kept top secret and away from my little one’s still innocent eyes! Though I am counting the days until he will figure out that to avoid my nagging him to drink his water bottle during school all he has to do is pour his bottle out before he gets home (instead I see him gulping down as much as he can in the back seat on the drive home).

    Had a very down day today and I really needed this. Thank you, Alexandra! xo

    • He IS so smart!!!

      Thank you, for letting me into your life, Ceci–and sharing the intimacy of laughter. You feel so close to someone, when you share a laugh.

      xo

  9. I LOVE THIS Alexandra! :-)

    • He’s all mine, Jennie–my Auggie.

      That boy–I wear him around my neck like a woman would wear her jewels.

      xo

      Merry Christmas, dear friend.

      Love to you and yours. Can’t wait to see you in Chicago!!!

  10. Indeed, politeness and consideration work wonders.

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