Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Christmas Edition

suniverse-christmas

 

Dear Suniverse,

The tradition is to visit family on Xmas day for dinner. How do you politely decline but still get all the shit they bought for you?

Is it rude to hump your husband in the guest bathroom? When you have guests in the guest bedroom?

How do you get your kids what they want but not go broke until next payday?

Arnebya, What Now and Why

 

Dear Arnebya,

First of all, why aren’t you inviting me over?  I totally won’t buy you a crappy gift, and I will turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to the shenanigans in the bathroom.

Second of all – holy Christmas miracle, that’s a lot of angst for the holidays.

Here’s the deal.  Everyone expects the holidays to suck for them, and in general, they will.  While most people try and tell you that everyone goes into the holiday season with great expectations about how happy and jolly everyone and everything is going to be, they are a bunch of fucking liars.

No one I know goes into the month of December with anything but dread.  And that includes people who LOVE the holidays.  People like me.

I know – you didn’t see that coming, did you?  I LOVE Christmas, even though I was raised Muslim and am now . . . nothing at all.

You know what I love?

The music – especially my boyfriend Michael Buble.

The decorations – sparkling lights and glistening ornaments and those old handmade bits from when you were a kid.

The food – oh, god, the delicious food.  Don’t stint on the butter or gravy.

And the people.  I love the fact that everyone is a little brighter, even as they are complaining about shopping and cooking and fitting into that perfect holiday outfit.

Because no matter what you celebrate, or even if you choose not to celebrate anything, I like the idea that during the darkest part of the year [and fuck December 21st for being the shortest day of the year] there is something to look forward to, even if it’s only that there is an external focus for all that dread and angst that bubbles up inside and out.  It’s a way to just get through this, together, with a delightful shower of powdered sugar on top.

Now as to your questions:

Declining an invitation to an event you don’t want to attend, but still getting the booty: Offer up a different event that you can control, if only in duration.  Instead of going to someone’s not-so-clean or orderly house, offer to meet up for lunch at a restaurant and exchange gifts there.  Couch it as being a break for everyone.  You’ll look thoughtful and you won’t have to worry about being stuck eating Aunt Edna’s Pukeberry Cobbler.

Husband humping within earshot: Fuck it, go for it.  If you are still interested in having good time sexy fun with your mate, have at it.  You get good feelings and stress relief and the knowledge that no one in their right mind is going to admit to hearing you.  And if someone does bring it up, you can just pretend it wasn’t you.  And then there’s a mystery for everyone to chew over until next year.

Getting your kids what they want without going broke:  Outsource.  I’ve become completely un-shy about letting grandparents know what the girl has on her list.  It’s easy and you don’t run the risk of getting a big pile of what-the-fuck that ends up going to an unfortunate poor person who already has enough to deal with without wondering about the purpose of a knock-off, low-rent Barbie’s Dream Double-Wide.

Licking the icing off the cookies,

Suniverse

Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse.
Enjoy, lovers.

Comments

  1. Ahhh, best damn down to earth advice from a woman who doesn’t know the meaning of bullshit.

    Love this column.

  2. I’m jealous of the bathroom humpage and am having a hard time getting past it. But out of the goodness of my heart, I’ll offer up a solution: tell everyone you made charitable contributions in their names, then use the money to hook up your kid, sexinthebathroom hub and yourself, of course. You’re welcome.

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