Resolutions don’t work. That’s why I’m not making any this year, and I suggest you don’t either. Instead, I’m making Declarations of Self-Purpose.
How do they differ from resolutions, the skeptical among you might ask. Well, which pole dancer makes more money: Bertha or Starla? It’s all in the name. Resolutions have baggage, but no one has any bad associations with Declarations of Self-Purpose, so they’re sure to succeed. It’s called branding, yo. You’re welcome.
Anyway, here are mine for 2013:
- Stop trying to use Siri, then getting angry when she (again) passive-aggressively fails to understand what you’re asking her to do. You will only get hurt.
- Come up with a sure-fire best seller series to rake in the bucks. Maybe a wizarding academy where everybody is into BDSM? And vampires.
- Knock it off with the self tanners, already. This one should be a cakewalk, since you don’t use self tanners. No harm in setting yourself up for a little victory, right?
- Develop a catchphrase.
- Finally become fluent in Ubbi Dubbi. It’s in danger of becoming a lost language, like Hopi or Yiddish. If you can’t find an Ubbi Dubbi version of Rosetta Stone, ask Santa for a DVD Box Set of Zoom episodes.
- Quit practicing auto-erotic asphyxiation and find a healthy new hobby, like geocaching or dodgeball.
- Prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse; or develop a deeper, more spiritual sense of self. Either/or.
- Invent new fried dessert, á la: fried cheesecake, ice cream, Oreos, etc. Note to self: can you deep fry a Cinnebon? What about that little tub of extra frosting?
- Start a Kickstarter to fund your awesome high toe shoe idea. Loubouttin, watch out!
- Stop putting your Gangnam Style spoofs on YouTube. It’s not that they’re not hilarious, but it’s time to move on.
If you’ve made any Declarations of Self-Purpose for the coming year, share them below. I’m pretty sure Oprah, Gail and Dr. Oz swap theirs around too.
And one last thing: Happy New Year.
K A B L O O E Y
K A B L O O E Y is a 47 year old non-practicing filmmaker who lives with Phineas at an undisclosed suburban location. Their three kids are Moochie (6), Lonzie (20) and The Big Puppy (22). She (who am I kidding, I’m writing this myself) tweets @kblooey and has two goals: 1) To make creative work a central part of my life, and 2) To keep my family from needing the services of the Supernanny.