K A B L O O E Y ’ S No-Resolution New Year Plan

Resolutions don’t work. That’s why I’m not making any this year, and I suggest you don’t either. Instead, I’m making Declarations of Self-Purpose.

How do they differ from resolutions, the skeptical among you might ask. Well, which pole dancer makes more money: Bertha or Starla? It’s all in the name. Resolutions have baggage, but no one has any bad associations with Declarations of Self-Purpose, so they’re sure to succeed. It’s called branding, yo. You’re welcome.

Anyway, here are mine for 2013:

  1. Stop trying to use Siri, then getting angry when she (again) passive-aggressively fails to understand what you’re asking her to do. You will only get hurt.
  2. Come up with a sure-fire best seller series to rake in the bucks. Maybe a wizarding academy where everybody is into BDSM? And vampires.
  3. Knock it off with the self tanners, already. This one should be a cakewalk, since you don’t use self tanners. No harm in setting yourself up for a little victory, right?
  4. Develop a catchphrase.
  5. Finally become fluent in Ubbi Dubbi. It’s in danger of becoming a lost language, like Hopi or Yiddish. If you can’t find an Ubbi Dubbi version of Rosetta Stone, ask Santa for a DVD Box Set of Zoom episodes.
  6. Quit practicing auto-erotic asphyxiation and find a healthy new hobby, like geocaching or dodgeball.
  7. Prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse; or develop a deeper, more spiritual sense of self. Either/or.
  8. Invent new fried dessert, á la: fried cheesecake, ice cream, Oreos, etc. Note to self: can you deep fry a Cinnebon? What about that little tub of extra frosting?
  9. Start a Kickstarter to fund your awesome high toe shoe idea. Loubouttin, watch out!
  10. Stop putting your Gangnam Style spoofs on YouTube. It’s not that they’re not hilarious, but it’s time to move on.

If you’ve made any  Declarations of Self-Purpose for the coming year, share them below. I’m pretty sure Oprah, Gail and Dr. Oz swap theirs around too.

And one last thing: Happy New Year.



K A B L O O E Y is a 47 year old non-practicing filmmaker who lives with Phineas at an undisclosed suburban location. Their three kids are Moochie (6), Lonzie (20) and The Big Puppy (22). She (who am I kidding, I’m writing this myself) tweets @kblooey and has two goals: 1) To make creative work a central part of my life, and 2) To keep my family from needing the services of the Supernanny.


  1. I’ve been preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse since 2003 and it hasn’t happened yet. My resolution is to make it happen this year. I’m cooking up a virus in my bathroom that will turn everyone infected into flesh eating monsters. Then I’ll finally have an excuse to sleep in the bunker I made in my backyard.

  2. It feels good to have a purpose, right? Have you tried self-righteously flaunting it? It’s like having a little sun that shines only on you. Invite me over for a bunker sleepover sometime and we can one-up each other and eat canned foods.

  3. Mine?


    The one I really need to work on: cleaning up this house to make it a place my kids deserve.

    I’m crying as I type this.

    I have such great kids..

    Happy New Year Kablooey!!!!

  4. You know, I like to write myself a letter telling myself what will have happened at the end of the year. Sometimes it’s as simple as “you will have run/completed a 10k race,” sometimes it’s about how I will feel about myself, how I will treat myself, etc., but any way I write, it’s fun to open the letter at the beginning of the next year and see how I did.

  5. You too, Empress. And so long as your house isn’t a Hoarders-level landfill scenario, I bet your kids don’t mind. They still have royalty for a mom, after all.

  6. So how did you do this year, Sally? If I tried this I’m sure I’d wait until November and recap, then predate it to january. That’s the equivalent of junior high me writing my outline after the research paper.

  7. Quit practicing auto-erotic asphyxiation?? What’s not healthy about deep gasps of breath? Breathing (eventually) is healthy right? And what’s not healthy about erotic. Ok…maybe the alone part about the activity isn’t so good but….dodgeball? Really – have you seen those shorts?


  1. [...] a lot and generally try to avoid the cold, cruel world.  But I pulled myself out of it to write this post for Funny not Slutty.  It’s about my new idea to eliminate New Year’s resolutions.  Kinda.  If you read [...]

Speak Your Mind