I am Héléne Bouffant, world-renowned fashion stylist. Welcome to my column on FNS. Most likely, you have not heard my name before. That is because I – like Voldemort – am She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named in the fashion community. It is whispered that if you say my name three times, I shall magically appear and offer you a pair of sequined harem pants. But do not fear, Not-Sluts, I am simply a misunderstood genius.
Happy New Year, my little puff pastries!
I hope you are all ready for a brand new year of fashion and diminished self-regard! I anticipate many exciting new trends will be coming our way this year. For the first column of 2013, I want to give you a look into the future. “Oh,” you say, “You’re going to show us trends for the summer of 2013?” No, you ignorant plebeian – for the summer of 2014!
You may be used to seeing designers – even low-class ones like my nemesis, Michael Kors – showing fashions on the runway two seasons ahead. For example: right now, in January, there are many “pre-fall 2013” shows being presented. What is “pre-fall?” It’s like that time at the end of last summer when you were saying, “Dear god, if I see one more Alexander Wang jumper paired with a neon kimono and a statement necklace, I am going to throw an absolute fit and get my dinner for free.” Yes, THAT feeling.
But I, Héléne Bouffant, like to take risks! I say, “Keep your Spring/Summer 2013 collection, Kors! I am going to show the people what to wear in Spring/Summer 2014! Now who has the jump on who, you good-for-nothing lackey!”
Oh yes, my aborted caviar, it’s true. I have consulted some of the interweb’s most esteemed fashion trend forecasters for their predictions for what you will be wearing a year and a half from now. In fact, I – Helene Bouffant – plan to hire one of these companies to predict the fashion trends for my funeral. I insist on being au courant even at my wake. The weeping masses will look down at my gorgeous, perfectly preserved corpse and they will say, “How did she know that plaid prayer shawls would be ‘in’?!” Because I am Helene Bouffant! And then my corpse stylist (who will be ready with powder and double stick tape, just in case) will smack them across the face while yelling, “I condemn you in the name of Bouffant!” It really will be fabulous. You shouldn’t miss it.
And now, here are the predicted trends for the spring and summer of 2014:
Consuul Apparel Manufacturing Company believes that men will be wearing lightweight jackets in the Spring of 2014. “This makes windbreakers, parkas, and vintage jackets a must have in your line.” That’s right, gentlemen, Spring 2014 will be all about outerwear. You can finally purchase a coat without feeling ridiculous about not being on-trend.
Short pants! Coats! MUSTACHES!
For women, Consuul says it will be all about “monochrome” items. Clothing that is just one color? How fabulous! I will go out immediately and purchase items in “red” or “navy.” There will be some room for play in your solid colored-closet, however. Patternbank.com has put together a vision board of monochromatic looks for the spring of 2014:
It just screams, “Spring!”
But what other colors will be in fashion? Fashioning.com predicts a sexy and sweaty summer in 2014. “Seductive. Desire. Racy. Intense. Voluptuous. It’s words like these Lenzing uses to describe this theme of a steamy, hot summer…” Yes! All of these environmentalists complain about global warming, but have they seen the color palette for next summer?! Delicious! We shall all be fornicating on top of apricot-colored sheets, as it will be much too “hot,” or (as I prefer to put it) “sultry” to be under them.
I will end with one final trend for Spring/Summer 2014, as forecasted by Patternbank.com. That trend has been named “futuristic nature.” And so, Helene Bouffant’s nightmare of being slowly exfoliated to death by the rough metal bark of mechanical trees while they simultaneously rape my chihuahua, Galliano, will finally come true. God, I hate nature. I suggest you all get your plaid prayer shawls ready.
Meredith Bland is a freelance writer and mother of twins from Seattle. She blogs at Pile of Babies: Take a Knee, I Have Nonsense to Spew (http://www.pileofbabies.com).