I’ve dated a lot of men, and I am fairly certain that I now know the five guys you should not date. These are not the types your momma warned you about. In fact, even your best girlfriends might not have even told you about them. However, as your resident All-Things-Man Guru, I am here to help aid in your valiant search for a decent dude. None of these guys are. These guys are dudes who present red flag warning signs. Maybe you’ll go out on a first date with them, but I wouldn’t say they are keepers. Sleep with at your own peril. Wait — DON’T!
1. Bug Guy
No – this is not the guy whose apartment is crawling with bugs. (That’s Dirty Guy, but you knew about him, right?). This is the guy who casually mentions that he has bed bugs. Then you start drinking. Then he casually invites you over. He assumes you forgot about that offhand comment about his current living situation. But you did not, right Smart Funny Lady Compatriot Of Mine? (Right? Please, oh God, say you did!) I mean, I’m not an environmental scientist or anything, but I do live in the city and I’m pretty sure that if you go into a bed with bed bugs and you are a warm blooded human that you’ll get bitten. I mean, I’m just saying.
“I just want you to know that I am currently sexualizing you in my head,” said a guy who should never get laid.
3. Hawaiian Shirt Guy
This is judgmental of me, but the Hawaiian shirt generally represents a series of unfortunate events to come. The Hawaiian shirt is actually a silent way of saying, “hey, I’m just a real awesome, chill, fun guy,” which no awesome, chill, fun guy ever said. To that end,
4. Awesome, Chill, Fun Guy is not.
5. Inspiration Guy
He wants to be your muse. He asks you to write about him. You politely said, “um, no,” and then unfortunately, he gets what he wants, because who the hell asks for that? (Dammit, Guy On Internet Site Who Sent Me A Message Asking To Be My Inpsiration, you got your wish.)
Mallory Schlossberg is a writer and performer living in New York. Her original one woman musical “Molly Marjorie Rosenblatt Needs A Man (And Other Stuff)” has been performed multiple times at The Magnet Theater. For more of her musings, visit www.schlossed-by-mallory.tumblr.com, and follow her on twitter @malloryschloss.