So, Funny Ladies of The Internet, it’s time for me to get personal for a hot second. I dated somebody. It seemed like it was going pretty fantastically but, you know, as a resident perpetually single lady, it was not going to last for too long, despite the initial honeymoon phase. Now that I’m eating solid foods again and have begun eating “happy” feelings (because I never stopped eating my feelings), I feel the need to share some things I’ve learned in this coping process. You see, when I was sad, I turned to the only place where I knew to get advice on how to get over a guy who isn’t into you – The Internet. Needless to say, I did not get the best advice. So here I am, ladies, telling you how to really get over that guy that you didn’t date that long but still crushed your spirits for a week or something.
1. Make a list of all of the flaws he MIGHT have had
This always works. Since you didn’t get to see all of his flaws, since it didn’t last that long, he could have very well had a lot of things wrong with him. Imagine the guy that crushed you saying he hates kittens, babies, sunshine, people, and orgasms! He definitely never said it, but the more you think that thought…I swear, it works.
2. Find a tweet that you wrote the day of your first date, to show you just how powerful you were before you met him.
Here’s one of mine:
3. Find a tweet that you wrote during the course of this short dating whirlwind to show you just how not funny you were while dating someone.
4. Download the app “Self Control” (www.selfcontrolapp.com)
It helps you block sites (like his Twitter, online dating profile, Facebook, band page, new girlfriend’s fancy clothing design website, whatever, etc), in other words, it monitors your self control - because let’s face it: you have none.
5. Don’t shave your legs for a week and forget to take your birth control.
THESE ARE UNDERRATED PERKS OF BEING SINGLE.
6. Play the game “Acknowledge.”
I made up a game called “Acknowledge.” Everytime you pass by an attractive guy, you say, “acknowledge.” That way, you are actually acknowledging that there are plenty of attractive, potentially decent male human beings out there. It helps. In fact, when I play it where I live (in Brooklyn), it goes so well, I’ve had to stop staying “acknowledge” out loud, because that apparently doesn’t look so hot. But I’m perpetually single, remember? Oh! ACKNOWLEDGE!
Mallory Schlossberg is a writer and performer living in New York. Her original one woman musical “Molly Marjorie Rosenblatt Needs A Man (And Other Stuff)” has been performed multiple times at The Magnet Theater. For more of her musings, visit www.schlossed-by-mallory.tumblr.com, and follow her on twitter @malloryschloss.