The Walking “Red”: Taylor Swift Is Leading the Musical Zombie Apocalypse

Know what I think? I think Taylor Swift is leading us straight to a musical zombie apocalypse.

Clue Number One: her new album–Red.

Red, as in Taylor’s going to suck the life blood right out of the radio with her insipid yet ear wormy songs. She’s not gonna stop until we’re glazed over and stumbling all the way to the ATM machine, leg dragging.

Clue Number Two: Keith Richards already looked like death.  Once Taylor showed up, he became corpse ready. I could rest my case based on his cryptkeeper mug alone. It’s enough to make me lock myself up with a Stones album and a bottle of Southern Comfort.  Liz Phair just called and suggested a good and proper ball busting.

Taylor, want to know why we’ve gotta be so mean? It’s because you’re more cherry popover than virginal pop cross over and if the zombies don’t get us the diabetes will.

The final brain numbing comes in with Clue Number Three: A Southern accent? Aren’t you from Pennsylvania, Miss Swift?  What, Pennsylvania Dutch too Dwight Schrute sexy for you?

She’s downright blood thirsty!  Anyone see the look on her face at the Golden Globes when Adele picked up Best Original Song  for the 007 theme “Skyfall”?  Dang! Girlfriend could’ve killed Dr. No instantly.  Now that’s putting the c%#t back in Country!

Pop princess patently pissed.

At the People’s Choice Awards, Taylor walked off with Best Country Artist while “10 Gallon” Tim McGraw looked on, envisioning his career buried out in the back yard with Granny and Patches the dog.  Did she care?  She was busy trying to make Bradley Cooper her next victim…uh…muse du jour.

C’mon now, you mean to tell me this is what passes for sticking it to the man? No way. Where is your Chrissie Hynde?

Your Patti Smith?

Hell, even Stevie Nicks could kick butt and that’s with the trademark Herman Munsters and the doves.

“We are never, ever, EVER getting back together!”  Boo Ya girl! You tell ‘em! And…? Twelve times and a girl’s gotta put her foot down! It doesn’t help Taylor’s case that her well documented tabloid Hollywood hunk track record makes Angelina Jolie look like a first time mother.

I hate to pick on a youngin’, but Sugar Honey Pie… give us a break and just grab a bottle of Merlot and write it all down in your diary. Hug it out with your teddy bear. Call up Emma Stone on your pink rhinestone studded smartphone and leave the female empowerment to Lena Dunham and Neko Case.

Can you hear Lena telling us they’re never ever ever getting back together? Girl makes you believe it.


Linda Roy

Linda Roy fronts the Indie Americana band Jehova Waitresses alongside her guitar toting husband. Remarkably, after years of this they still haven’t killed each other.  They live in Jersey with their two boys (somebody’s gotta carry the amps) and she unleashes an inner Larry David on her blog Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom.


  1. [...] humor you.   I’m so honored and completely excited to have been given my own monthly music column over at Funny Not Slutty - a fantastically funny comedy website for and by women!!! (Really, [...]

Speak Your Mind