The names of the drugs for birth control for women make me want to hurl with their fake happy Disney princessy-ness like names, “Yazmin” or the gettin’ down to business-ness names like “Lo Lo Errin.” And, since I’m perimenopausal and, I shit you not, out of my mind, I have to take something, I suggest the following:
Climacteric
Wymmin
Whynnnin
‘Ncryin
NoLubridownthere
Vajayawn
Es-tro-gone
Progestergroany
Chinhair
Crone
Sisterwife
Grandma Moses
Throwthetoasteroutthewindow
Defenestration
Endofmenstruation
Rattybathrobe
Minihell
Livinghell (also available as a transdermal patch)
Elizabeth Bastos
Elizabeth Bastos is a WAHM (pronounced “wham!”) of two in the Baltimore suburbs. Her work has appeared on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Big Jewel, and the Book Bench blog of the New Yorker magazine. When she is not writing, she is eating something made with whipped cream. What could that be? You guessed it. Whipped cream. Straight up. She blogs about all things cheesy, also parenting, at http://www.goodybastos.blogspot.com/.
I hate the names. They should just call it
NoBabiesInThisUterusPlease
I don’t know if I’m peri or post, but if I could figure out a way to capture energy from hot flashes, I could power a small town. Maybe women could install hot flash panels instead of solar?