Oscar Fashion Review, by Héléne Bouffant

Bonjour, my little golden statuettes!

It was with great joy and a keen eye for criticism that I watched this year’s Academy Awards. Hollywood’s annual masturbatory fashion event has come and gone to sleep, and now I shall judge its performance.

I shall start by sharing my personal contribution to last night’s awards. It should not surprise you that I – Héléne Bouffant – have provided styling at the Oscars for eons! Of course, my influence is most prominent behind the scenes rather than on the red carpet. But do not underestimate my power, my little chickadees! In fact, I control the red carpet itself! And by that, I mean that I am the official stylist to the men who roll out the actual carpet.

 rollcarpet

The jaunty newsboy cap was my idea.

 

Yes, my work was featured on CNN this year. They try to keep me in the shadows, but Héléne Bouffant will not be silenced on Oscar night!

But now, let me offer my thoughts on those designers whose work was seen on those in the spotlight…the burning, white-hot spotlight that calls to me with the intensity of a thousand STDs. I shall return to greatness one day, and I will bring a firestorm of plaid and sequins with me. But for now, let’s see what these other assholes turned out.

Oscars Anne

 No one puts Anne’s nipples in a corner

I have four words for this dress. MAG-NIF-I-CENT. Yes! A pale pink Prada sheath accented by hard, prominent nipples. Bravo, Miss Hathaway, for showing the world in no uncertain terms how very excited you were to be a part of this special, slightly chilly night. Now, some are trying to give the credit for this look of alertness to the darting on your gown. I reject this assessment, and applaud your nipples for their Annie Oakley-like defiance of cultural norms. The rest of your look may say, “subdued” and “appropriate,” but your nipples are saying, “Who do I have to stab around here to get a beer?”

Bravo, Madame.

Oscars Channing and Jenna

Now THIS is how you do pregnancy, ladies. A black, fitted, lace gown. One hand underneath your belly, gently cradling your unborn. Your tall, tiny-eyed husband next to you with his hand also on your belly affirming that yes – you are pregnant, and yes – it is his work. The two of you basking in the glow of the last time you will ever truly be happy. Simply heavenly.

 

 Oscars Brandi

I look at this gown and I think two things – and they are both GLAMOUR. Yes, Brandi Glanville, in a dress she designed herself (bless her heart), brought a full rack of glamour to the red carpet. A glamour that fascinates and yet also terrifies. Personally, I – Héléne Bouffant – simply adore this dress, though I do question whether or not it was meant for a slightly shorter woman.

 

 Oscars Halle

One of my favorite fashion moments was when Melanie Griffith and Sigourney Weaver starred in the 1988 homage to pairing skirts with Reeboks, “Working Girl.” Halle Berry brought us back to that time in this stunning Versace gown. With its long sleeves, black and white stripes, and squared shoulders, it is all business…till you get to the neckline. Business in the front and party also in the front? Héléne Bouffant says YES!

 Oscars Jane

And speaking of the fabulous 80′s, the great Jane Fonda looks like an episode of Dallas on a sunny day.  I smell a shoulder pad trend re-emerging! Trust me – or my name isn’t disgraced fashion stylist Héléne Bouffant!

 

kristen
Ah, the fabled black peacock. No one thought there were any left, and now there aren’t, thanks to the murderous Kristen Chenoweth. I heard that she threatened Tony Ward with ruin if he didn’t personally hunt it down and pluck it for her Oscar dress. Hard to believe? Well, you heard it here first – Kristen Chenoweth is a bloodthirsty demon who orders Lebanese designers to kill rare birds. At least, that’s what I heard in the bathroom at Nordstrom’s.

 

 Oscars Naomie

Here is Naomie Harris in a Michael Badger dress made of recycled zippers, vintage glass beads, and chocolate candy wrappers. Because nothing says fashion like zippers and garbage.

I must say, at the risk of revealing too much, that this dress reminds me of a vagina. Specifically, my vagina, as I too prefer to wear my pubic hair with a smattering of golden patches on top.

 
 

Oscars Quvenzhane

Would you look at that dog purse?! HEAVEN! This stylish canine is wearing a tiara and some sort of white crinoline, which is just perfect for her breed to wear at the Oscars. If only everyone’s accessories accessorized this well. Well done, dog purse!

 

 Oscars Tim and Helena

Now this, THIS was my fashion moment of the evening. Everything here is perfect. From the windswept hair, to the many, many layers of fabric, to the sling – it does not get more avant-garde than this, my friends. Kristin Stewart attempted the same kind of beaten-down, high-fashion look when she hobbled about on her crutches, but she simply appeared desperate. Tim Burton managed to master the look with no more than a subtle sling. Fabulous.

 
 
Oscars fall

Finally, I would like to pay my respects to Jennifer Lawrence’s Dior gown. We have seen many dresses try to subdue and overtake their wearers before – I think specifically of Bjork’s swan dress, which made it all the way around her neck before failing to complete its mission.  But Lawrence’s gown waited for the right moment, and then struck her down. It was a victory of fashion over humanity, and I fear we may never see it’s likeness again.

Then again, there is always next year.

 

Stay fashionable, always fashionable,
Héléne

 

Meredith Bland

Meredith Bland is a freelance writer and mother of twins from Seattle. She blogs at Pile of Babies: Take a Knee, I Have Nonsense to Spew (http://www.pileofbabies.com).

 

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