DON’T CLICK SEND!: The 5 Worst Dating Message Mistakes – Mallory Schlossberg

Photo on 5-18-12 at 7.03 PM

I’m a big proponent of the Internet dating scene. Why? You can talk to the opposite sex while looking at animated GIFs, you don’t have to see the guy’s “I’m-rejecting-you-face” when he rejects you, and you can flirt in your sweatpants while eating peanut butter out of the jar! Win, right?

While you may or may not find your soul mate via the Internet, you could very well procure a date or two or thirty seven! It’s important, however, to avoid making these mistakes that I will make for you right now. Us funny ladies usually think that the men are the ones at fault (with their “heYy sexYY LaydEe Lez Do It Now” or their “I want to slather you in my shaving cream and eat organic avocados off of you” messages), but sometimes, we can be at fault, too! We all have our inner creep, let’s not be too proud, here. Since we are just as capable of poor e-flirting, these are the worst messages to send when you are attempting to score a date via the World Wide Web (does anyone call it that anymore? No. No one does. Okay).

Hey!  So, I read your profile, and I also LOVE all of the bands, books, music, movies, and foods you like. We have SO MUCH IN COMMON, it’s almost like we’re related! Except not really haha lol jk. Let’s hang out!

Just a heads up, “it’s almost like we’re related” might be the kicker here.

OMG do I know you in real life?

Ten out of ten times I know what people I know in real life look like, even when I find them on the internet, unless their profile pictures are abstract art in place of a face, in which case most moderators would have taken the pictures down already.

Yup, I’m also looking for casual sex, too! 

Also known as “how not to have a long term relationship.” Unless that’s what you’re looking for – then by all means!

Hi! So I’m sure you get a lot of messages, but I want you to know that I’m different from all of the other girls you get messages from. I’m positive of this. Why? I’m smart, educated, and actually looking for something serious. I’m not a one-night girl, I’m a 365-night girl, and then some, and if you took a chance on me, you’d be taking a big chance and a leap of faith. I think we should meet up at some point, don’t you? I think we’d look GREAT together, by the way, and I’m pretty sure our babies would be gorgeous so long as they didn’t get my great-great-grandfather’s wonky eye.

Tricky. Which is the one that kills it here? The mentioning of the babies or the great great grandfather’s wonky eye?

Save me from buying a 22nd cat.

That’s third date material. Come on.


Mallory Schlossberg is a writer and performer living in New York. Her original one woman musical “Molly Marjorie Rosenblatt Needs A Man (And Other Stuff)” has been performed multiple times at The Magnet Theater. For more of her musings, visit, and follow her on twitter @malloryschloss.


  1. I’d date you except I’m feeling kind of phlegmy. Phlegm is one of my least favorite words AND one of my top 3 least bodily secretions. If you want to get lots of cute little tidbits like this at work, oh, say 40 or 50 a day, I just might be your dream woman. Do you like to go Riverdancing?

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