Spring Fashion by Héléne Bouffant

Bounjour, my little pullets (those are baby hens, and they are fabulous with a little sage!) Welcome to the April edition of my fashion column here at Funny Not Slutty! I love April, because it means SPRING! Spring is that adventurous time of year when we try to pair rain boots with shorts, and tank tops with chain mail.

I couldn’t wait to see what the big trends were going to be this year! Would we go glamorous or casual? Refugee camp or midwestern father-daughter dance? Unfortunately, it is none of the above. But here, without further ado, are the trends for Spring 2013!

Shop accordingly.
1. Bermuda Shorts
April1fts

YES! Bermuda shorts! They aren’t just for your skinny-legged, sandals-and-socks-wearing Uncle anymore!

Named Bermuda shorts due to their popularity in Turks and Caicos (editor’s note – this is not accurate), these tailored walking shorts are going to be all the rage this spring. And just in case you think they are only for highly fashionable women, just take a look at these businessmen on their way to a meeting in their bermuda shorts!

Bermuda shorts
Yes, gentlemen. Show your workplace your other side. Conduct a high powered business meeting sitting behind a desk, and then – to close the deal – stand up to shake the other side’s hand. They will say, “Now THIS is a man who likes to take risks!” BOUFFANT!
2. Exaggerated volume

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It’s not just for teenagers trying to hide their pregnancies anymore! Now we all can know the comfort of largeness, and the joy of clothing that doesn’t actually come into contact with our bodies. You will be as elegant as a windsock on a breezy day.

3. Japanese-inspired clothing

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Or as the Japanese call it, “clothing.” I have, of course, been to Japan many times, and have to say that it is sad how few of the Japanese people follow the clothing trends that we in fashion set out for them. Where are the dragon prints?! Where are the women with those odd little sticks in their hair?! I mean really, Japan. Make an effort. If they only knew how to dress in true Japanese style, as demonstrated with this cargo kimono, above. It will be perfect for an afternoon spent perfecting the ancient Japanese art of flower arranging, but in the jungle.
4. Oversized ruffles

trends spring 2013 ruffles

Oh Jesus Mary and Dior, do I love ruffles! And Spring 2013 will allow me to indulge my love with the largest ruffles I can find! Look, you can put them anywhere: across the neck, on one arm, or in your armpit. It is magnificent. I am on the hunt for a large ruffle that goes all the way up my back like an iguana, to protect me from predators.
5. Patchwork animal prints

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I adore this look! It’s like a snake mated with a cheetah. WAIT! Héléne Bouffant has an idea. I shall start a breeding farm where I will create my own patchwork animals. It will be exotic and dangerous, with just a hint of salmonella. PATCHWORK! MUTANTS! FASHION!
6. Short suit

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I must start by acknowledging that the suit pictured above is by my nemesis, Michael Kors. So obviously, I cannot recommend that particular shirt suit unless you have re-worked your prison uniform and are planning to escape disguised as an editorial assistant at Elle. But the idea of the short suit is wonderful! It says, “I mean business, but I am also carefree and youthful. And check out these gams!”
7. Sheer panels

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YES. I love sheerness. This particular look would be perfect for a spring wedding. It is romantic and on trend, yet still provides privacy for your nipples, collarbone, and certain strips of thigh. It also gives a faintly gauzy look to your personal area, which at my age really is its best light.
8. Leather

april13hb

This, however, is my favorite look for spring. Alexander Wang has taken the trend of “leather” and added a helmet. He has also added ventilation, which is genius considering that spring weather can be unpredictable and you may want your boots to breathe. This outfit shows that you are a no nonsense kind of woman, whether at work or at play. Imagine picking up your preschooler with a firm, “I AM HERE FOR BRONWYN,” and then heading to the park for a game of laser tag. Héléne Bouffant says YES!
Enjoy your April, my overstuffed pill boxes! And don’t forget your helmet!

Héléne

 

Meredith Bland

Meredith Bland is a freelance writer and mother of twins from Seattle. She blogs at Pile of Babies: Take a Knee, I Have Nonsense to Spew (http://www.pileofbabies.com).

 

 

Comments

  1. Helene + two accents that I don’t know how to type: I want an oversized iguana back-ruffled, mutant patchwork leather short suit, with sheer panels for ventilation and flashes of nip. I think I can make it work, do you? If I leave the knee socks at home?

    • Meredith Bland says:

      I LOVE IT.
      Please, dear, don’t forget a pair of statement sunglasses to complete the look. Otherwise you’ll look like a fool.
      –Helene

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