The third season of Game of Thrones is over and I’m feeling down. You too? Or are you happy you don’t have to listen to all this “Mother of Dragons” crap at work anymore when you’d rather talk about Khloe, Kourtney and Kim?
To those indifferent to or haters of both Game of Thrones and the Kardashians:
I was you a year ago. I had never seen Game of Thrones or any show starring a Kardashian. The way I see it, all Thrones fandom is on a continuum between two extremes.
You read all 4,000+ pages before TV series ever started, rabidly devour series episodes, then complain about ways they’re inferior to the books. And…
Dragons, really? Characters called Theon Greyjoy and Samwell Tarly? You’re a serious, busy adult with no time for this sexed-up Lord of the Rings nonsense.
I’m somewhere in the middle, which means I still get confused about plot points like why Jorah is moping around in the friend zone with Dany or how Stannis ended up with red Morticia Addams. Or why Jon Snow is always called “Jon Snow” and never Jon or Johnny.
I haven’t read the books, which means I can’t ask the book people questions without getting all spoilered to hell. And I can’t even commiserate about the show being over for now, because I haven’t paid my 4,000 pages worth of dues. So I really only have two choices – I can either read the books, which means I’ll have to quit showering, working and raising my kid for a year (what could go wrong?) or I bring some of you non-Throne watching dragon-scoffers into the fold.
If you’ve been skipping Game of Thrones to watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians, I think you’d be surprised to learn how much these competing shows actually have in common:
- Game of Thrones already features the Armenian-sounding Baratheons and Targeryens; wouldn’t a House of Kardashian fit right in? There might even be a House Kardashian. (Shut it, book-snob. You don’t know; the last books haven’t even been written yet.)
- Daenerys Targeryen and Kimberly Kardashian both have seven syllables.
- Daenerys was married to Khal Drogo: three syllables. Kim was married to Kris Humphreys: also three syllables. I know. It’s eerie, right?
- Daenerys Targeryan is known as The Mother of Dragons. Kim is going to be The Mother of Kanye West’s Baby, which, knowing celebrities and their jacked up baby names, could very well be named… wait for it… Dragon.
- Daenerys had an unstable, jealous, immature sibling who wanted a golden crown so much he died trying to get it. Kim also has unstable, jealous, immature siblings who love gold and jewelry so much they would “like, die” if they didn’t have it.
- And finally: Daenerys’s father was known as the “Mad King” for his erratic, murderous actions. Kris Jenner, while not homicidal, is definitely operating a couple of wine bottles short of a case.
Admittedly, this is not a “Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who told him not to go to theater; Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who told him not to go to Dallas”-level coincidence, but still, the similarities are striking.
So why don’t some of you Kardashian fans take a week and marathon-watch Game of Thrones. I really need some moral support, and I promise, it’ll be fun. You can even play my favorite season three drinking game. Whenever Ygritte says “John Snow,” everyone drinks a pint. And whenever she says, “You know nothing, John Snow!” the last person to say “The night is dark and full of terrors” has to do a shot.
What do you say? Hurry up, though. Winter’s coming.
K A B L O O E Y
K A B L O O E Y is a 47 year old non-practicing filmmaker who lives with Phineas at an undisclosed suburban location. Their three kids are Moochie (6), Lonzie (20) and The Big Puppy (22). She (who am I kidding, I’m writing this myself) tweets @kblooey and has two goals: 1) To make creative work a central part of my life, and 2) To keep my family from needing the services of the Supernanny.