What To Get Married In by World-Renowned Fashion Stylist Héléne Bouffant

Hello, my pasty pork chops!
Welcome to summer; a season of glistening bodies and unusual smells. A season where pale, frightened body parts are finally exposed to sunlight. There is a sense of rebellion, and of things that cannot be unseen.
But not only is summer the season of foul crevices, it is also the season of weddings! And when you have weddings, then approximately three-quarters of the time (if my math is correct) you have wedding dresses! Oh, Versace-on-a-cross do I love a wedding dress! There are so many choices, my tacky little corsages! To help you narrow it down, I am going to review 2013 wedding dress trends. If you are soon to be married, use this as your guide. Don’t make a fool out of yourself. And if you have already wed, this list will show you where you went so terribly, terribly wrong.

Old-Hollywood Glamour

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Don’t be intimidated to wear a gown to your wedding that says, “Yes, I saw The Great Gatsby. And I loved it.













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Lace is both traditional and romantic; lace is classic, and yet barely covers the nipples. It is a stunning choice for the girl who wants to be sexy in that “naughty schoolgirl” kind of way on her wedding day: she has flowers in her hair and is wearing white, but there is nothing covering the slightly less interesting parts of her breasts. Your guests will be confused about how they are supposed to feel, which is exactly the kind of statement a Héléne Bouffant bride wants to make.


Illusion Necklines


Is that a figure skater about to take the ice? No! That is a bride wearing one of this year’s hottest trends: the illusion neckline. Continuing the theme of “almost nudity,” brides across the country are flocking to designer showrooms looking for gowns that seem to defy gravity. Do you want the look of bare skin, but the feel of an itchy tank top? Then the illusion neckline may be your bridal style.



Yes, you could go subtle with this year’s floral trend. But today’s brides want to make a statement with their wedding dresses! They want to be remembered! If your goal is to burn a hole the size of a Jordan almond into the memories of your guests, then I recommend this dress by Oscar de la Renta. What a perfect way to say, “I’m not a girl, but not yet a woman” as you enter into a legally-binding lifetime commitment with another human being.







Blush colors



Why wear a white dress, when you can wear a color that is kind of like another color in a really subtle way maybe when you look at it under the light? Welcome to the trend of blush colored gowns! Blush doesn’t just mean soft pinks anymore; now it means colors like this, which is what I would call…well…perhaps a yellowish-pink? No matter – it’s on-trend! This gown also incorporates a life-buoy of flowers, so clearly this is a bride who knows what’s current!






Long sleeves

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Every bit as romantic as they were on your grandmother’s wedding night, long-sleeves are IN! Who says you have to expose your elbows to the air like a common whore?  Instead, you can wear a dress like this one, which combines long-sleeves, an invisible neckline, and colorful flowers. Oh my…Héléne Bouffant may pass out from a high style overload. I need to put my head between my legs.








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What bride doesn’t want to draw a little extra attention to her hips on her wedding day? Isn’t that what they call, a “ba-donka-donk?” Yes, well this enhances your ba-donka-donk, except all the way around. You get to have that hourglass-shape, albeit an hourglass with a manufacturing defect.









Dramatic backs

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“Are those…eyes? Nipples, maybe?” No, you imbecile – that is DRAMA. Leave your relatives gasping at the rear as you make your way down the aisle. This dress has as eye-catching a back as you could ever wish for. From the four pink roses to the open back to the green bow, people will say, “Wow…there’s a whole lot going on back there.” Indeed there is. A whole lot of FASHION!







Don’t forget, ladies – your first wedding day is the last day that you will ever, ever be the center of attention again. Before you retreat back into the hollow anonymity that is the rest of your life, take this opportunity to stand out as, “the girl who wore that dress.”
Till next time,


Meredith Bland

Meredith Bland is a freelance writer and mother of twins from Seattle. She blogs at Pile of Babies: Take a Knee, I Have Nonsense to Spew (http://www.pileofbabies.com).



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