Halloween isn’t ’till tomorrow, but I’m already tired of hearing about how horrible costumes for women have become. They’re ubiquitous, these hard-hitting journalistic exposes from the Slut Aisle at Party City. I guess with no hurricane to blow reporters sideways as they tell us it’s windy out, they’ve got to talk about something.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and just say it: the women’s movement must have worked, because kids these days have it way better than we did. When I was a young woman, my costume career choices were limited – I could be a slutty French maid or a slutty nurse, period.
Now? A girl’s options are a veritable skankiness rainbow. No longer is she limited by traditional gender roles. If she wants to be a cowgirl, hockey player or SWAT Commander, there’s a sexy costume to make her dream a reality. Her older brother’s dressing up as a lumberjack and her younger one as an astronaut? She can do the exact same thing! See?
That’s not to mention the strides made away from the race-baiting, stereotypical costumes of the past. I remember a time when you could actually walk into a costume store and buy a Sexy Indian Maiden outfit with its own little rubber tomahawk. That’s not so today: she’s a Native American Tomahawk Hottie, now.
Even religious girls can choose a costume to match their level of ambition, from Naughty Nun to Sexy Joan of Arc. Let the guys dress up as Walter White, meth peddler; you, pious yet slutty young girl, can lead armies to battle on instructions from God.
What will the little girl of today wear for the Halloweens of tomorrow? Dream big, you baby whore. Dream big.
Footnote: Troubled by the historically inaccurate high heels? Don’t be. Anthropologists have recently discovered that males invented high heels in order to hamper the intellectually superior female gender to a degree that would enable the male to compete. Thus, in evolutionary terms, high heels may have actually allowed the human race to survive.
K A B L O O E Y
K A B L O O E Y is a 47 year old non-practicing filmmaker who lives with Phineas at an undisclosed suburban location. Their three kids are Moochie (6), Lonzie (20) and The Big Puppy (22). She (who am I kidding, I’m writing this myself) tweets @kblooey and has two goals: 1) To make creative work a central part of my life, and 2) To keep my family from needing the services of the Supernanny.