‘Twas the Diet Before Christmas… ~ Alexandra

christmas sweater

This was my plan for this year’s season of gluttony. Something I proudly came up with by myself. It’s called pre-weight losing, patent pending.

My idea was to hit the Foodtober holiday months down 10 pounds, to be at my fighting weight… ready to fight the inevitable weight gain of parties, gatherings, food events and 500 calorie drinks. Enter the ring swinging, get it? Not exit it arms whirling as I try to wrangle my ass into clothes that fit just fine in October but not the months of Foodtober.

It really bugs me to have a big butt for the sole reason I hate wearing clothes that are uncomfortable. That’s the only reason right there. The binding seams, the zippers digging into my flesh, the buttons leaving their imprint down my stomach so I look like Frankenstein. I just can’t deal with the discomfort. And having nothing to wear drives me crazy. And so does not being able to find anything to buy to wear. I mean, at my pre-foodtober weight there are things to wear, but the after holiday bloat weight… nope. After the 18 months it’ll take me to lose these ten pounds that it took ten minutes to put on, I’ll find stuff… but now, what designer wants me advertising their wares across these buns? “Hey! Dying to look like this? Buy our pants!!” I don’t think so.

Also on the list of my weight gain peeves is the way I look like I shoved a pillow down the back of my pants, like I used to do in high school. Except this time I’m not doing it for laughs. My kids think I am and pull out the camera, “Mom! You’re so funny! Let me get this on film!” Turn around and knock over that lamp again!,” but um no, kids… there really is no pillow back there.

There was no time to lose for the holidays are nigh, because did you see this Sunday’s paper? Outrageous deals on Shred Your Body DVDs. 9 bucks! Do you know how quickly I could eat my way through 9 bucks worth of Krispy Kremes? Instead, I’ll just take that doughnut kitty and spend it on Jillian.

I’m ready to take that serious commitment and plunk down the $9.00 and I’m saying Yes! Yes to the promises on that box set: ”Are you ready for the BEST body you’ve EVER had?!” Yes I am! “Are you ready to lose 20 pounds in 30 days?!” G-ddamn right I am.

“All you need are my hand weights! And my floor mat. And maybe these fingerless gloves. Oh, and the medicine ball is a good idea. Don’t forget the foam bricks!”

$100.00 worth of saying Yes later and I was heading out the store’s door with a shopping cart full of commitment. Along with some pre-holiday weight loss farewell Krispy Kremes thrown in, of course, because a serious commitment demands a just as serious farewell meal…



Alexandra is an overanalyzing, oversensitive mother of three boys who somehow found herself named as BlogHer ’11′s Voice of The Year for Humor. She has been a mother since 1994, which means she hasn’t been right about anything since. She blogs of the sweet and the funny while trying to go unnoticed in her small town. You can find her at Good Day, Regular People. Did we mention socially awkward? We should, which is why the internet was made for her.


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