Funny not Slutty by the Numbers, by Blythe Jewell
Dictionary.com’s definition of haute couture:
1. high fashion; the most fashionable and influential dressmaking and designing.
2. the fashions so created.
3. the leading dressmaking establishments in the world of fashion, considered collectively.
MY definition of haute couture:
1. huh?
2. what the– ?
3. really??!?
Here’s why:
1. The Spiky Fan Thingy Outfit
John Paul Gaultier, Women’s Spring Line 2010
I totally wore this to work last week. Felt really good about myself until the plant lady tried to water me.
2. The Mexican Mariachi-Waitress Look
John Paul Gaultier, Spring Line 2010
Excuse me, miss? Miss? I’m sorry, but our table is out of tortilla chips. Would you mind tilting your head over this way?
We also need more queso, when you have a chance.
3. “Yun-Yun, Goddess of the Sun Dial” Outfit
John Paul Gaultier, Women’s Spring Line, 2010
Ohmygod, Yun Yun! I just LOVE your outfit! It really frames your face!
4. The “Where’s the Ambien When You Need It?” Look
Valentino, Women’s Spring Line, 2010
It had been a long night. Plagued by nightmares, Mariana slept fitfully. When her alarm went off the next morning, it was almost a relief. Exhausted, she wrapped the pink, frilly bed sheets around herself and rolled out of bed. There was no time for a shower or even to wash her face. “Oh well,” she thought, as she glimpsed herself in the full-length mirror. “I’ll just look really depressed and call it ‘high fashion.’ Besides, everyone will be so distracted by the fact that I have no boobs, they won’t even notice my eye bruises.”
5. The 1960s B-Movie Wedding Ensemble
Chanel, Spring Line 2010
There are a lot of things I could say about this couple. I could accuse Adam Lambert of following Elton John’s lead – again – with his beard wedding. I could ask why the bride appears to be wearing a bagel with cream cheese on her head. I could mention Reynolds Wrap – a lot.
But honestly, I’m just so distracted by this guy’s robot hands that I can’t think of anything else.
6. The “They Weren’t Hiring at Abercrombie” Look
Josephus Thimister, Men’s Spring Line 2010
Because men’s hips don’t lie!
7. The “Life of the Party” Look
Givenchy, Spring Line 2010
Pretty party dress? Check. Unnecessarily severe evening make-up? Check. Enormous lampshade for head? Check.
Let’s get wasted!
8. The “Hey! After the Apocalypse Let’s All Go Luge” Look
Alexander McQueen, Men’s Spring Line 2010
I like to call this one simply: “Shhhhhhhh.”
9. Bonus “WTF?” Accessory
Valentino, Spring Line 2010
Hey, wait! Before you go! Don’t forget your…
umm…
Hat?
Blythe Jewell is a wife, mom, full-time editor of incredibly boring government documents and totally underappreciated comic genius. Her work hasn’t been featured anywhere important, which just means it’ll be worth more after she dies.
You can find her usually hilarious, sometimes serious, always off-color blog, The Bean, at www.themusicalfruit.net.
Tags: Alexander McQueen, Alexander McQueen Spring 2010, Blythe Jewell, Chanel, Chanel Spring 2010, coughing up loogey, editors choice, fashion humor, funny monologue, funny woman, Givenchy, Givenchy Spring 2010, haute coture, haute coture comedy, John Paul Gaultier, John Paul Gaultier Spring 2010, Josephus Thimister, Josephus Thimister Spring 2010, loogey, not the fashionista, the bean, Valentino, Valentino Spring 2010
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