No car insurance? Oh well. No food money? As long as there’s still cheese in the fridge we’re fine. Run out of eyeliner and foundation? We have now entered a LEVEL 10 SPECIAL ALERT PANIC ZONE.
Let us, friends, discuss a poor girl’s take on makeup….
I’ll start right at the beginning. I wake up and probably have some makeup on from the previous day, creased, caked, and smudgy, my eyes an especially gross event that requires vicious rubbing and picking while I figure out who has to go to the bathroom more urgently, myself or the dog. The dog statistically has a 85 percent chance of establishing importance in this decision, and I end up immediately regretting it as my urgency goes up by 15 points after stepping out into the ever chilly morning (err noonish) air.
Once the pup has had all his needs taken care of (outside, breakfast, sufficient amount of morning recognition in the form of various pets) I step into the bathroom to do step 1 of my morning stuff. Step 1 is wash face. Washing face is essential since my face is covered in previously mentioned leftover makeup as well as drool no doubt. I want to point out that the face washing situation is very simple. I do not have toner, I don’t have a special wash for certain days or situations, and I don’t have a special sponge, wipe or towel. I have face wash, the same face wash the boyfriend uses, with little beads of something in it , and the word” Morning” on it in yellow or bright blue. I use a very small amount, not to conserve as you would assume but because it dries my face out too much as I’m older and my skin is not as greasy and I should have put lotion on it before I went to bed anyway, BUT a poor girl cannot afford face lotion for night and day, that’s like a $9 an hour job luxury. [Read more...]
After visiting the Anne Frank Museum, where Anne lived in hiding for two years with her family during the Holocaust, Justin Bieber signed the guest book “Hopefully Anne Frank would have been a belieber”. Wow, Justin, how humble of you! Glad to know you ‘got something’ from your time in Frank’s secret annex and somehow made it all about yourself. What he probably didn’t count on was Anne Frank having a YouTube account and putting it to good use by (sweetly) laying the smack down on the 19 year old dooface. Comedian, Jenn Dodd, plays a young Anne Frank.
The funny ladies
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Mallory Schlossberg is a writer and performer living in New York. Her original one woman musical “Molly Marjorie Rosenblatt Needs A Man (And Other Stuff)” has been performed multiple times at The Magnet Theater. For more of her musings, visit 
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