‘Twas the Diet Before Christmas… ~ Alexandra

christmas sweater

This was my plan for this year’s season of gluttony. Something I proudly came up with by myself. It’s called pre-weight losing, patent pending.

My idea was to hit the Foodtober holiday months down 10 pounds, to be at my fighting weight… ready to fight the inevitable weight gain of parties, gatherings, food events and 500 calorie drinks. Enter the ring swinging, get it? Not exit it arms whirling as I try to wrangle my ass into clothes that fit just fine in October but not the months of Foodtober.

It really bugs me to have a big butt for the sole reason I hate wearing clothes that are uncomfortable. That’s the only reason right there. The binding seams, the zippers digging into my flesh, the buttons leaving their imprint down my stomach so I look like Frankenstein. I just can’t deal with the discomfort. And having nothing to wear drives me crazy. And so does not being able to find anything to buy to wear. I mean, at my pre-foodtober weight there are things to wear, but the after holiday bloat weight… nope. After the 18 months it’ll take me to lose these ten pounds that it took ten minutes to put on, I’ll find stuff… but now, what designer wants me advertising their wares across these buns? “Hey! Dying to look like this? Buy our pants!!” I don’t think so.

Also on the list of my weight gain peeves is the way I look like I shoved a pillow down the back of my pants, like I used to do in high school. Except this time I’m not doing it for laughs. My kids think I am and pull out the camera, “Mom! You’re so funny! Let me get this on film!” Turn around and knock over that lamp again!,” but um no, kids… there really is no pillow back there. [Read more...]

5 ways to avoid human interaction at a grocery store from The Awkwardista

 grocery

Every socially awkward person knows that the best way to avoid feeling uncomfortable in a social situation is to avoid it. Unfortunately, no matter how much you try to avoid them social situations find you.

One of the worst places for accidental social situations is the grocery store. Here are my top five tips for avoiding strangers who want to talk to you while you’re minding your own business trying to determine the ripeness of a cantaloupe.

  1. Cough.      I find that a loud phlegmy cough does wonders for getting people to keep their distance. The cough should come from deep in your chest. Forcing a cough can be rough on the throat. It may even be painful, but if it keeps the guy who squeezed his junk into spandex bike shorts from approaching you to explain how to pick out a ripe melon, isn’t the pain worth it? If you can actually produce some phlegm and spit it into the nearly disintegrated tissue you keep in your pocket that will help even more.
  2. Dance.      There’s always music in the grocery store. They tend towards light hits like Lionel Richie and Elton John. It doesn’t really matter what the music is though. Actually you don’t need to have music at all. All you need is the ability to move and some imagination. Dancing is an art and the type of dancing that will keep strangers away is less foxtrot and more Martha Graham. Be expressive. Large arm movements force strangers to keep their distance.
  3. Sing.      You don’t necessarily have to sing along to the music that’s actually playing. You may want to sing something completely different. It doesn’t really matter what you’re singing just as long as you sing it badly. You wouldn’t want anyone to compliment you on your singing. Then you might be forced to talk to them. Make sure you look like you’re really into it. Most people won’t want to interrupt your artistic moment.
  4. Argue.      I’ve found that if you are having an argument with someone on your cell phone most people in the grocery store will avoid you. You could go one of  two ways on this. You could just pretend to be arguing with someone on your phone, but if you’re a terrible actor, like me, you’ll have difficulty pulling that off. I find it best to call someone in my contact list and pick a fight with them. Yes, you are technically interacting with someone if you do that, but the fact that you’ve interacted with that person before makes it easier. If you like the person, call them back later to apologize. You don’t have to do that though. The fewer friends you have the fewer socially awkward situations you’ll find yourself in.
  5. Fart.      A toxic cloud of malodorous gas is the ultimate protection from social interaction. Eat a big bowl of chili or a bean burrito the size of your head before you go to the store. Then just let ‘em rip. Not only will you feel tremendous relief, but you’ll clear the aisles.

Follow these guidelines and you’ll never have to worry about having to speak to a stranger in the grocery store again.

 

H. Lovelyn Bettison

H. Lovelyn Bettison is an author and blogger. Read about the funny side of life on her blog Nebulous Mooch where life is all sunshine and sausages.

Am I a Feminist, or What? ~ The Official Reference Chart

feminist-or-what

There seems to be mass confusion over what it actually means to be a Feminist. Don’t get me started on what it means to be a Humanist and how that is misinterpreted. If you going with “I am an Egalitarian Humanist” then more power to you, just make sure you represent and don’t just label.  During mature discussion, 20-somethings feel the need to pipe in and let us all know their exact/simple definition of the term “Feminist”, not really how the affiliation has come to be embodied in 2013. “A Feminist is anyone who believes that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities!” they say. REALLY? Because I’d never heard that before! You’re a GOOD little reader! Well…if you also consider the reputation and behavior of any institution of thought, it is a little more complicated to discern. We have all heard that definition, and some of us who have been around the block a little more than you and have the truth figured out. So put on your listening ears a little more often my young know-it-all Feminist Facebook friend. Next time you hear someone speaking about their definition or expression of Feminism, you will know the real answer.

 

You’ve Come a Long Way, Slutty Nurse! A Feminist Retrospective of Slutty Halloween Costumes

by K A B L O O E Y

Halloween isn’t ’till tomorrow, but I’m already tired of hearing about how horrible costumes for women have become.  They’re ubiquitous, these hard-hitting journalistic exposes from the Slut Aisle at Party City. I guess with no hurricane to blow reporters sideways as they tell us it’s windy out, they’ve got to talk about something.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and just say it: the women’s movement must have worked, because kids these days have it way better than we did.  When I was a young woman, my costume career choices were limited – I could be a slutty French maid or a slutty nurse, period.

Now? A girl’s options are a veritable skankiness rainbow.  No longer is she limited by traditional gender roles. If she wants to be a cowgirl, hockey player or SWAT Commander, there’s a sexy costume to make her dream a reality.  Her older brother’s dressing up as a lumberjack and her younger one as an astronaut?  She can do the exact same thing! See?

slutty costumes 1slutty costumes 2That’s not to mention the strides made away from the race-baiting, stereotypical costumes of the past. I remember a time when you could actually walk into a costume store and buy a Sexy Indian Maiden outfit with its own little rubber tomahawk. That’s not so today: she’s a Native American Tomahawk Hottie, now. [Read more...]

What Your Halloween Costume Says To the World Infographic – K A B L O O E Y

costume-says

K A B L O O E Y

K A B L O O E Y is a 47 year old non-practicing filmmaker who lives with Phineas at an undisclosed suburban location. Their three kids are Moochie (6), Lonzie (20) and The Big Puppy (22). She (who am I kidding, I’m writing this myself) tweets @kblooey and has two goals: 1) To make creative work a central part of my life, and 2) To keep my family from needing the services of the Supernanny.

 

Ode to Spice Girls – Daniella R. Bondar

Spice World

If I told you that I didn’t embarrassingly rock out to the Spice Girls on two separate occasions in the last four days, I’d be lying. Okay, so it was really three times. Three times in four days. In public. In dive bars. In a karaoke bar. That’s not counting all the times I was alone in my apartment and ran into a Risky Business situation.  What I am really trying to say here, in case you haven’t caught on, is the Spice Girls are the best thing to happen to this universe.  Anyone who says they disagree is lying. Here’s why…

1.  First in regards to the straight males out there who may be denying my very blanketed statement:  For a really long time gals were running around in Spice Girl – esque outfits,  so you are welcome boys.

2. We could mark out maturity growing by which Spice Girl we decided to identify with. ALl of my friends wanted to be Baby Spice. It led to lots of hair pulling and singing over each other. The pulling of pigtails always went a little too far. I had furry scrunchies, so of course I thought I should be the one.

3. The Spice Girls are still providing much unadulterated happiness for drunk girls. Ever been in a bar when a Spice Girls song comes on? Yeah, that. And yeah, I am definitely one of those girls.

4. Everytime I meet a guy I sing him “ If you wanna be my lover…” just so he knows what is up.

5. Spice Girls have taught me, and my generation of pleather donning attitude toting wannabes lots of important life lessons. Like to stop in the name of love and girls can be empowered while looking like super sluts. [Read more...]

‘We Can’t Stop’ by Linda Roy

Sometimes Parenting Is a Strategic Hot Mess 

New parents take note: all the horror stories you’ve heard are true. Those little bundles of joyous DNA will bring you joy mixed with terror. A piece of advice; enjoy your freedom now, because despite your best efforts to lay down the Parenting Law, they will run your life. Sometimes in the best way, others…not so much.

You will be limited in the culinary sense on a regular basis. You will not sleep past six. Your days of open affection under your own roof will be over unless you want to hear a chorus of “ewws!”. Your little darlings will keep you up all night. They will scream when you try to leave the park – for the fifth time – and they will “split” you. In therapist terms, that means as soon as you say no, Mom, they go straight to Dad and get their third bowl of Doritos. They know wassup.

And watch that potty mouth of yours. It may be your mouth, but you can’t say what you want to unless you want to hear it repeated back to you at Thanksgiving Dinner while Aunt Edna has a heart attack.

You think you’ve got it all figured out? You don’t. You just gotta roll with the punches, homies. ‘Cause sometimes parenting is nothing but a strategic hot mess.

 

Lyrics by Linda Roy
Music by Miley Cyrus

 

It’s no party, we can’t do what we want

It’s no party, we can’t say what we want

It’s no party, we can’t eat what we want

We can’t kiss when we want

We can’t sleep when we want

 

Ay!

 

Sippy cups and smelly bodies everywhere

Toys in the air like they don’t care

‘Cause they aim to have so much fun now

Least somebody else might have some now [Read more...]

Announcing Sole Provisions Short Essay Contest Winners!

funny-writing-contest

1st Prize – Lovelyn of Nebulous Mooch

Lovelyn wins a pair of Fitflops OR Orthaheel SHOES from Sole Provisions!

2 Runners Up – John “Cork” Corcoran (most creative) and K A B L O O E Y (funniest line…hint, “smoothies”)

The winning entries are below, and you can check out all entries in comments of the original contest post.

 

I Sold My Soul by Lovelyn

Don’t tell anyone I told you this, but I sold my soul to the devil to be able to cook. Yeah, that probably wasn’t the best exchange. First of all, I wasn’t specific enough. I wanted to be a world class chef with my own show on the Food Network. I don’t know if you’ve watched the Food Network lately, but I’m not on it.

Instead of magically knowing how to make perfect French sauces and rich desserts, I’m the casserole queen of my block. I can mix a can of soup, veggies and chicken in an oven-safe glass dish, stick it in the oven, and get perfect results every time. I don’t even like casseroles, but now I’m stuck bringing covered dishes to pot lucks and PTA meetings.

People eat my casseroles and ask me what the secret is for making them so perfectly every time. I simply shrug and wonder if I’ll still be making casseroles in Hell.

I obviously wasn’t thinking straight when I made the deal, but you know how the Devil is. Once you sign on the dotted line there’s no getting out. I wonder if Hell will be as hot as my kitchen is now that the oven is always on.

 

Untitled Entry by John “Cork” Corcoran

It was a dark and stormy night when I busted my sole while busting a move to “Soul Man” at a Seoul Hilton Karaoke night.

“What do you think of that as my lead sentence?” I asked Vincenta Faborgini, my hard working agent and confidante.

“In a word? ‘Overkill’,” she said, taking a drag of her Pall Mall.

“You can’t be a smoker,” I replied. “They won’t allow smokers in a winning Essay.” [Read more...]

THE TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE…store.

Justice-Store

Warning: staring directly at apparel may cause permanent damage to corneas.

 

My daughter is now eight, so I’m happy to report that I’m done with globe-headed Caillou, that whiny little fuck, and Chuck E. Cheese, the flea-bitten, steroidal, rat-boy. These are massive plusses in my book, and they brought me as much joy as did throwing out the rectal thermometer.

However, these parental joys are balanced out by a new horror: having to enter the black hole of ugliness – the Justice store. This mall chain caters to suburban tweenage (I want to shoot myself just typing that “word”) girls with an affinity for neon and shiny objects. The stores themselves are infinitely dense nuggets of tween fashion trends collapsed inward by the weight of their day-glow hideousness. If Tim Gunn were merely to glance into one, his eyeballs would liquefy and melt down his cheeks. [Read more...]

Sole Provisions FunnynotSlutty.com Short Short Essay Contest

funny-writing-contest

 

Why should you enter the Sole Provisions FunnynotSlutty.com Short Short Essay Contest?!?

 The Prize:

One pair of shoes from Sole Provision’s Fitflops OR Orthaheel collection.

Rules and Writing Criteria:

  1. Essays are to be 150-450 words long to be considered.
  2. You must include one of the following words in the title -  sole, soul or Seoul.
  3. You can write about true events or fiction.
  4. Judging criteria are funniness, good writing and creativity.
  5. Essays will be judged by FnS publisher Jacki Schklar and announced on September 12th.
  6. Essays must be submitted by midnight Eastern on Monday, September 9th 2013. Submit your entry simply by adding it to the comments section below! You can write up to 2 entries/submissions.

Follow Sole Provisions and tell them you appreciate their participation in our contest! https://www.facebook.com/SoleProvisionsShop https://twitter.com/SoleProvisions