EAT THIS! Too-Damn-Early-Breakfast Casserole

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis

I don’t do mornings well… or at all. So imagine my utter fit-throwing when I decided to go to bed at about 1 in the AM after a wild-night of Facebooking only to discover that I had to fix breakfast for 60 people in the morning for church. There was No. Freakin’. Way. After I whined and wished upon a star that we could just skip Sunday all together, I quickly ran to Hellmart and grab my supplies, dumped it all in the crockpot and went to sleep hoping for the best. As it turns out, it was pretty good!

Ingredients

  • 1 20-oz bag of frozen shredded hashbrowns (if you’re felling all Pioneer-Woman-ish you can absolutely shred your own potatoes or dice them whatever – knock yourself out! As for me and my house, we will buy frozen.)
  • 18 large eggs
  • 2 c milk
  • 3 c shredded cheese, any kind you wish. I used 2 c of cheddar and 1 c of mozzarella (Again, shred your own if you’re self-righteous and whatnot and have unlimited time on your hands; I am not above buying the pre-shredded stuff)
  • 1 pkg of pre-cooked bacon, chopped (Seeing a theme here? Do not work if you don’t have to!) [Read more...]

When Celebs Suck – Snooki…this is it.

Snooki_in_Chicago.jpg: Jeff Lewis (chicagophotoshop.com) derivative work: Tabercil This is it, folks. The end times are nigh. Get your survival gear together and kiss the internet and Easy Mac goodbye.

Snooki is pregnant.

I’m certain I’ll find something about this in the book of Revelations if I just look hard enough.

Sure, the pregnancy is only being spoken of in (extremely loud) whispers so far. Reportedly, everyone’s favorite meatball has promised Us Weekly exclusive rights to break the story. Oh Us Weekly, you bastion of hard-hitting journalism. I’m sure the execs at MTV are simultaneously crapping themselves and marveling at the even larger-than-usual dollar signs flashing before their eyes. Sure, the girl is known for her partying skillz (so epic they warrant a “z” at the end), but she’s also known for being kind of a slowpoke in the brains department. [Read more...]

I’ll Stay Here and Guard the Knife Drawer – Fan Letters

by Traci Foust

Nowhere Near Normal: A Memoir of OCD Traci FoustThough it’s been almost a year since the release of my book Nowhere Near Normal a memoir of OCD, the messages I receive from people who have actually read the book still jam up my email at a computer-crashing rate of at least two a month. Most of the responses come from smart, sensitive readers who make me feel worthy of baring my soul—and causing a few members of my family to never speak to me again—into a book that one Goodreads reviewer called “An excruciating long read” about what it was like to grow up with obsessive compulsive disorder.

But every so often I’ll get an email from someone who is angry, crazy and/or telling me the secret to curing my OCD lies within the bulging fibers of his jeans. [Read more...]

The Mobile Mommy Office

Mobile Mommy OfficeWork-at-home moms.

I know there are a lot of us. And I’m always reaching out to others asking for A Clue as to how to make time for the Trying to Make a Career Out of This Writing Thing while still making time for Buttercup. I’ll admit I’ve sat her down in front of the TV for day-long PBS Kids and Nick Jr. marathons more often than I’d like to think, and yeah sure it’s educational, but still….

There’s gotta be an easier way, right? A way that doesn’t involve hiring a baby sitter with money I’m not yet making to come over and play with my daughter while I stare at my laptop for hours and allows for the best of both worlds where I get to be The Involved Mommy and she gets to Exercise Her Creativity?

But how the hell…? [Read more...]

When Celebs Suck – I love you Beyonce, but seriously…

Let me preface this by saying that my love for Beyonce Knowles is undying. I’m convinced that she’s some sort of angel/alien hybrid sent to earth to teach us how to dance in stilettos. My husband has been warned more than once that if Beyonce were to come a-knockin’, I’d forget his name in less time than it took Bobbi Brown to try to cash in on Whitney’s death.

That being said…

It’s one thing to be all “I love Beyonce because she’s Oprah rich AND is still someone I can see myself sharing a bottle of wine with”…but now? I’m not so sure. It seems my beloved Sasha Fierce is starting to lose that common touch which she’s always been so proud of.

First order of evidence: The fact that the birth of her daughter resulted in lockdown conditions in the neonatal unit of Lennox Hill Hospital. In other words, if you weren’t part of the Beyonce/Jay Z entourage, it sucked to be you even more than it does every other day of the year. Imagine being told you can’t visit your baby because of some people who are better than you. Do you see yourself beating a security guard to death, or is it just me? I’m violent sometimes. [Read more...]

How To Tell If You’re An Asshole: American Idol Version

badcowboyperspectiveHollywood Week is my favorite part of Idol, because the sleep-deprived, mostly deluded big fish from teeny tiny ponds across the nation all get dumped into one tank.  There is a lot of fish-on-fish violence, smack talk, ugly criers, mega divas of both genders.  That’s all a given.  But this year we also had ambulances, fainting and the classy, show-must-go-on-even-if-I-vomit moxie that lead one young woman to sing with a giant CLEAR (why clear, lord, why?) garbage bag in her lap.  Which she uses to cack on camera.

That reminds me: Best Contestant Name: Deondre Brackensick [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 7

Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse.
Enjoy, lovers.

 

DEAR SUNIVERSE:

If men have sexy, sexual wives, why do they STILL go to slutty strip bars, discuss with strippers their lives, and come home to tell you that the stripper is now a “friend”? Lord god, kill me now.

I Can’t Believe This is Happening [Read more...]

Valentine Affirmations for Junior High School Girl Nerds in The 80s, Like Myself

80s Nerd Awesomeness

  1. This is, like, the perfect shade of frosted pink lipstick for me.
  2. My choice of perfume, Spring Forth Nimbly by Amplitude, is pretty awesome.
  3. I don’t care that Tanya got a singing telegram.
  4. Like my mom says, I’m big boned. So if, like, if girls were allowed to play ice hockey, I would, like, smack Tanya in the face accidentally with my stick, but my school is sooo sexist.
  5. I would also like to wrestle. Maybe Mr. Jones, the art teacher who is from San Diego (oh my god, California!) and makes still-lifes from milk containers that are kind of suggestive. At least to me.
  6. [Read more...]

But It’s The Way He Says My Name

by Alexandra

bee mineeAs a woman from a long line of people with accents — accents to you, not to me — I have always been at a loss as to why American women’s knees turn to jelly at the sound of a Spanish accent. My sisters are with me on this.

Men are just men. In my case, the men in my Colombian family are brown skinned, long sooty eye lashed, dark haired, and come with the ability, apparently, to make women from the USA tremble just by saying their name. Cynthia trills out of their mouths as Eseentya, Judy is breathed out Hoodeet, Ann becomes the hypnotizing Ahna.

You poor things don’t stand a chance, do you? [Read more...]

EAT THIS! Lasagna a la Leftovers

leftovers-lasagna

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Heather Davis

This year I thought the Quartering Act of the American Revolution had been reinstated for Christmas, and I made enough for me and mine and approximately half of the 101st Airborne Squadron.  When the day came to an end, I threw every left over in it’s own plastic container in the freezer.  This week, I discovered I don’t have any plastic containers, so I pulled out all the leftovers.  At the sight of the leftovers, my family – very supportively – said, “Ahhhh, hellz to the no, Momma!”  (Direct quote from Tween Daughter) I had to think quick…So I made lasagna.

Ingredients:

2 c leftover stuffing or dressing (however you say it at your house)

1 c chicken stock

2 c leftover turkey or chicken or ham (whatever you eat at your house)

2 c leftover gravy

1 can’s worth of whatever leftover veggies you have (or, if you just tossed the inconsequential veggies down the drain on the big day like someone you know and love use a can of your favorite vegetables – favorite?  Who has a favorite… just a can, drained, of whatever kind of veggies are in your pantry )

1 c of your favorite shredded cheese (cheese makes everything better, can I get an “Amen?”) [Read more...]