When Celebs Suck – Moore is Less

Demi Moore BikiniWho doesn’t sometimes wish they were a rich, famous person? Wouldn’t it be neat to have more money than sense?  To be spared brushing shoulders with the plebes and commoners in their velour tracksuits, fighting over the last bag of Oreos at Walmart.  To hire someone to raise your children for you while you jet off to George’s villa for a little R&R.  Oh, the possibilities.

I admit, I’ve harbored such grand daydreams, especially during my commute on public transportation (shudder).  But being a normal, everyday person gives me one advantage famous women don’t possess: Wrinkles won’t mean a death sentence for my career.  I don’t need to have an obsession with physical perfection.  I can just be my great big sloppy self until I die, and my husband won’t care because he’s a slob too.  Whew.

Not so, however, for celebs like Demi Moore, or (as she shall henceforth be known) The Alpha Cougar.  She’s spent years replacing various body parts with plastic and silicone to the point where she doesn’t even look like the same person anymore.  She even sank so low as to marry Ashton Kutcher. 

What? Am I the only person who cringes at the thought?

Once Ashton left for younger pastures, Demi had to find another way to prove to the world just how youthful she still is and screw him anyway, he doesn’t know what he’s missing.  And what says “young, hip and not somebody you cheat on” better than doing whip-its like a spoiled teenager trying to escape the boredom of suburbia? Not to mention partying with your (horrified) daughter and her friends, and chasing around after Zac Efron[Read more...]

Announcing ~ Bad Valentine Short Short Essay Contest Winners!

Enter the Funny not Slutty Thank you to all our contest participants and to Flytrap for sponsoring the Fns Bad Valentine Short Short Essay Contest!

EVERYONE’S a WINNER! Buy a GOOD VALENTINE from Flytrap using order code BADVALENTINE for 15% off Valentine items. Expires February 15.

My judging process was to rate essays from 1-10 in funniness (it’s a word because I say so) and quality of writing. I added the two numbers for final scores. Here are the results and winning entries:

 

1st Place – Dusty Earth Mother

1st Prize Flytrap Package: A Flytrap Card, a Sticky, a Littles and a (gasp) Boink Journal!

2nd Place – Amy Pannell

2nd Prize Flytrap Package: A Card and some Littles!

Honorable mentions – KiKi, Becca and Jotter Girl

 

1st Place – Dusty Earth Mother

“Bad Valentine”. A sonnet by Wilhelmina Shakespeare.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art just as sweaty and akin to the hairy-backed man at thy community pool. [Read more...]

Downton Abbey USA by SRSLY

Downton Abbey Funny

We ladies of SRSLY, like most wanna-be Europeans, love Downton Abbey. We love the costumes, the vibrant upstairs/downstairs story lines, the sassy zingers from Dame Maggie Smith. And we LOVE the actors. Did you ever think you would be so turned on by a middle-aged cripple ala Bates? Or that you would relate to a snooty, criminally sheltered oldest child like Lady Mary? It’s all thanks to the amazing cast. We love them!

But, like everything foreign that Americans love, this means that in due time, Hollywood studios will get their grubby mitts all over the rights for a Yankee remake. These remakes range from being decent (Girl with a Dragon TattooThe Office), to mostly pathetic (BreathlessPoint of No Return… and every other American remake), but that doesn’t stop the suits from churning them out year after year.

So, before the inevitable happens, we wanted to suggest our ideal casting for the American remake of Downton Abbey, which will presumably still take place in England, but be filmed in Southern California, or at NBC studios(you know it’s inevitably going to be on NBC).

Lady Mary - Amber Heard. American studio execs are all about hiring hot actresses, and let’s face it, even we were turned on by Ms. Heard in the trailer for The Rum Diary. Since we predict the US Downton will make everyone blonde, we pick Amber in the hopes she can pull a Betty Draper in the acting dept.

Lady Edith - Mamie Gummer. Looks like from she’s from ye olden days already, so they’ll save money in the art department. They’ll also save money by having at least some Streep Blood(™) to add legitimacy to the period piece without coughing up Meryl’s fee. [Read more...]

I’m Watching American Idol, So You Don’t Have To

I’m K A B L O O E Y and I’m watching Americal Idol so you don’t have to.

Funny not Slutty

Jane Carrey: the spawn of celebri-dad Jim Carrey was self-deprecating and sang kind of nicely.  

Slutty not Funny

I hadn’t written her name down, so I Googled “San Diego American Idol butt cheek girl” and lo: Amanda Diley.  You know Mr. and Mrs. Diley are so proud.  (Edited so as not to show half her ass, unlike the Idol editors.)

After the first week of auditions, here are some more lowlights from American Idol:

Erika “Crazy Eyes” Nowak:  If you are already one beer short of a six-pack and have close-set non-blinking blue eyes, you might want to lay off outlining them in black kohl.  Unless you’re trying to look like Tanya Harding.  

The Up Close and Personal Sob Story Quartet: [Read more...]

Bad Valentine Short Short Essay Contest – Sponsored by Flytrap

 valentines-contest

Why should you enter the FnS short “Bad Valentine” short essay contest?!?

  • You could win 1st or 2nd prize from Flytrap Greetings & Gifts.
  • Your entry could be featured with the top 5 essay submissions on FnS in February.
  • Because bitching about past Valentines is fun.
  • And don’t forget everybody’s favorite…revenge on your ex!

 Prizes:

1st Prize Flytrap Package: A Flytrap Card, a Sticky, a Littles and a (gasp) Boink Journal!

2nd Prize Flytrap Package: A Card and some Littles!

Rules and Writing Criteria: [Read more...]

EAT THIS! Granny Collins Casserole

funny recipe

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Heather Davis

My hubby’s family tells tales of a family legend, Granny Collins and her renowned casserole. Soon after joining the family, I got a taste and it instantly became one of my all-time favorites. But Granny Collins was not a health nut.  And in our new year’s effort to be a more healthy family, I have transformed this recipe into a healthy version of its formerly fat-filled self.  And… it’s only 2 points for the whole thing!*

*I haven’t a clue as to how many points it is.  I could never figure out the whole points system and was asked to leave the points-assigning weight-loss group after a month of stepping on the scale, screaming, “What the Eff!!” and then asking to be points tutored yet again.

Ingredients

2 lbs of ground beef  ground turkey

1 brick of cream cheese  fat-free cream cheese

1 8 oz tub of sour cream  fat-free sour cream [Read more...]

Funny or Die Presents: Rugrats

 Every 90’s child thought it, but now we have proof. That Angelica chick was one cold-hearted bitch. Filled with deception, manipulation and cold-blooded murder, get ready 90’s generation for the greatest validation of our television consuming childhood existence that we all know and miss so much. Fuck that I-Carly bullshit, and buy your tickets in advance for the first (of which I hope to be many) live action Rugrats movie. With a star-studded cast, including Alia Shawkat, Mae Whitman, Michael Angarano and Nathan Barnatt, your childhood memories will never be the same.

 

Slutty but Funny

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comedian but the reality is she’s a NYC girl trying to make it big. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).

An Open Letter to My Grandma’s Harp – Nancy Davis Kho

nancy davis khoThere you sit, in the corner of my dining room, a 100 year old beauty in a state of Miss Haversham disrepair. Your sinuous curves, outlined to great advantage with thin scrolls of gold paint, contrast sharply with the strings that pop out in odd directions. You exude such a magnetic charm that children and adults alike are drawn to pluck your strings, to run their hands along your dusty angles, and finally to ask the question that you hypnotize them into uttering:

“Who plays the harp?”

And I have to answer, every single stupid time, “No one.”

Ok! I never learned to play you! Get over yourself! You’re not the only instrument in the world!

My paternal grandmother was what might be diplomatically be called “reserved,” stiffening her arms at her side when we hugged her and sending back our thank you notes with red-lined corrections. Once, when my brother complimented her cooking, she sighed, leaned heavily against the counter, and said as if in pain, “It’s only a casserole.” So when my father told me after her death that she left me her precious 1923 Irish harp, I was touched. She remembered me! And this is the harp she carted around to old folk’s homes to give concerts, when she herself was an old folk. “She knew how much you like music,” my dad said. “She wanted you to have it.”

Music as in going to concerts and downloading songs until the credit card is smoking, yes, I like that type of music. Music as in playing it myself? Not since that fateful ninth grade day when I broke my arm in a game of tag football and finally had my escape from Mrs. Hargrave’s piano lessons. Or as my brother refers to it, “That day you stopped playing piano, one month exactly after Mom and Dad bought you a brand new one.” [Read more...]

Remember the Cool – Hall and Oates

hall-and-oates-funny

I realize that sometimes things are so uncool that they’re cool. I learned the inverse of this concept when flipping through a baby name book my mother had bought before I was born, which listed “Megan” in the section “Names so in, they’re out ,” which pretty much means that, as a fetus, I was already doomed to a life of being just a few indie rock references short of an OC episode. I also realize that there are some things which people love “ironically,” and this just pisses me off, because I’m really into sincerity. I’ve only based, like, three of my past four relationships on lies regarding either my sexual history, religion, or feelings toward Arcade Fire.

Anyways, this column is a list of things that aren’t cool but should be because I have declared them awesome: [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 6

 
Suniverse-Funny-AdviceConfused? Uncertain? Worried that you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve all your problems. As an oldest child, I’m quite used to bossing people around and telling them what to do. As someone who has spent countless years and more student loan money than I’d care to think about attending ever more esoteric classes, I’m filled with the type of knowledge that isn’t suitable anywhere else. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also enjoy my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse. Enjoy, lovers.

Dear Suniverse,

If nuns are all the brides of the Big Man … doesn’t that make them celestial law-breaking polygamists?

Sincerely,

Fast Track to You Know Where

[Read more...]