Dope of the Day – K A B L O O E Y

dope of the dayToday’s Dope of the Day cemented his victory by uttering the phrase “You must be confusing pain with pressure.”

 Do you think that gem was crafted by:

 A) my dealer

B) my dominatrix

C) my psychiatrist

D) none of the above

 If you answered “D,” give yourself a sloppy kiss. [Read more...]

Memoirs of My America – The Art of Oomancy

oomancyIf you were to walk into my childhood home on New Year’s Day, you’d find a dining room table covered in tall, clear glasses that had been filled to the rim with tap water and that held a globulous raw egg at the bottom.  The water would grow bubbly as the day went on and there would be strings of congealed egg white floating upwards to the top. I remember thinking how much those gelatinous peaks of egg white looked like the sea monkey habitat ads from the back of my brother’s comic books.

A Colombian custom for the New Year is to have your fortune told by raw eggs in water. My grandmother, who lived with us, had been her small Colombian town’s esteemed medicine woman. A bruja buena, good witch. She was in charge of making the town’s monthly coca water (just what you think it is) as well as possessing the knowledge of reading fortunes; in this case, via egg whites. This is fancily known as the art of oomancy; egg divination through swirly patterns.   [Read more...]

FnS Top 20 List ~ 2011

top 20 funny

Here are the most viewed posts from 2011 content on Funny not Slutty for the entire year. There is a lot of good stuff that did not make the list such as most of our “Victoria Jackson for President on FnS ” campaign that so many funny women contributed to. And let’s give a round of applause for ALL our columnists and contributors.

Some great posts were overshadowed because they just did not happen to do well in social media. What were your favorite posts from this year? What would you like to see more of on FnS in 2012?

  1. The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl
  2. In Defense of Slutty Halloween Costumes – Slutty but Funny (by Natalie Wall)
  3. Ask the Suniverse on FnS Vol. 1 Edition 4
  4. Kablooey’s Annual Halloween Guide Part II
  5. Top 35 Worst Sex Names – Slutty but Funny (by Natalie Wall)
  6. Kablooey’s Annual Halloween Guide Part I
  7. John Travolta: A Timeline – Megan Lent
  8. #occupyanthropologie – Laura Burns
  9. Why I Love Christopher Hitchens – Jacki Schklar
  10. FnS Interview – Aubrey Anderson-Emmons of Modern Family
  11. Memoirs of My America – Lunchroom Angst
  12. Memoirs of My America – Penny for a Peanut Butter Twist
  13. See Something Say Something Shoot with Killer Killy Dwyer - Sara Gaddis
  14. Why The Brownie Leader Hates My Guts – K A B L O O E Y
  15. EAT THIS! Santa’s Reindeer’s Scat – Elizabeth Bastos
  16. Kid Still Life – Elizabeth Bastos
  17. 5 Things I Will NOT Be Doing on Valentine’s Day to “Please My Man” – Blythe Jewell
  18. American H.O.A.R by “Victoria Jackson” (by Traci Foust)
  19. REVENGE ITALIANO – Lucia Brizzi
  20. Notes From Your Drunk Grandma: Halloween (by Noa Gavin)

 

10 Women Who Rock Comedy

Have no fear, there are no ukuleles here. This is a collection of my favorite funny female singers who happen to actually rock. I thought it would be a good way to end the year at FnS.

I want to thank all of our columnists and contributors and everyone has helped to make FnS a geat place to go for comedy by women. You have kept me laughing all year. Watch for the “Year of FnS” for our top 20 list of most viewed posts that I’ll publish sometime on the 1st.

Happy New Year!
Jacki Schklar

Margaret Cho

Kate Rigg – Slanty Eyed Mama

 Killy Dwyer – Kill The Band


[Read more...]

Memoirs of My America – Ignorance is Bliss

I am amazed by the things that my children don’t do, that I did. Especially over Christmas. I was one of six children, and we were thick as thieves. If something entailed sneakiness and trouble, we jumped in, and we never spilled the beans on each other. It was a code of secrecy that we didn’t have to pledge, we just knew. I’m sure it had to do with the Survivors on the Island theme we were convinced we were living.

Though we were always fortunate enough to have a home and food to eat, the rest of the extra things in life that make it nice, were a bit dicey.

There was never an overabundance of much. We had what we needed, nothing more. Easier said than done, for a child: adequate but nothing unnecessary. With all those commercials on TV during Christmas? [Read more...]

For only $19.95, Shit Can “Get Real” This Christmas! – Leslie Goshko

christmas funnyParents: are you tired of stressing over how to explain the existence of Santa Claus to your child? Do you fret that dashing your offspring’s dreams will leave them in years of therapy with only you to blame? Or worse, that some snotty classmate of theirs will beat you to the punch, thus subjecting you to endure melodramatic shrieks of “You’re a liar! A LIAR!”? Well fear no more! For the low low price of just $19.95, you can take yourself off the hook with the new Santa’s Little Helper “Shit Just Got Real” doll! This adorable plush elf doll comes complete with reversible holiday vest, bell-laden shoes that really jingle, and all the things you can’t bring yourself to say! Simply squeeze Little “Shit Just Got Real”’s tummy, and with a giggle, he’ll let your child know:

Diabetes doesn’t care if you’re “jolly!”

Mommy’s dating a Jew now!

and

It’s called “venison” and it’s delicious!

Order now, and for an additional $5.99 you can receive our limited edition “Shit Just Got Real” Advent calendar, featuring not one, but TWO life-like houses–one for weekends at Mommy’s, and one for Daddy’s (chocolate not included). [Read more...]

15 Wonderful, Awful Skymall Gift Ideas – Blythe Jewell

This is basically just a list of bullshit I never knew I needed until Skymall told me I did. Now I’m obsessed, and if I don’t find at least half of these under my tree this year, I’m kicking someone’s ass.

Merry Christmas.

1. Mademoiselle Haute Couture Lamp.

 

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=69661072&pnr=85G

I was redecorating my living room this week in the haute couture theme (naturally), but the whole time I just kept thinking to myself, “You know what this place really needs? A life-sized woman lamp that’s taller, thinner and better-dressed than me.” And then – voila! There it was!

2. The” Zombie of Montclaire Moors” Statue.  Because nothing says “Welcome to our home!” quite like a life-sized gray zombie with the tortured eyes of death clawing its way out of your front walkway flowerbed.  [Read more...]

EAT THIS! Holiday Crystal Meth Plate

 

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Natalie Wall

If there is anything that brings the children scampering around the holiday garbage can fire, it’s Holiday Crystal Meth and Crack Rocks. One of my personal favorites holiday treats, based purely on its sugar addiction factor and quick preparation time.

Holiday Crystal Meth

Ingredients:

1. One local Wal-Mart/CVS/Bottom Dollar

2. One pair of scissors

3. One hammer

4. Plastic candy dish-preferably holiday related

5. 4 Bags of rock candy

Instructions:

First you will need to locate your local Wal-Mart or other fine discount retailers. Once that task is completed, step out of your car/bike/public transportation of choice and locate the candy aisle or as I like to call it, “The Impending Type-2 Diabetes” aisle. Grab at least 4 bags of rock candy. I usually buy at least 8, but that’s based solely on my low blood sugar and lack of self-respect.

Next, locate the self-checkout lines. No one needs to see this moment. [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 5

holidays-blog

Suniverse-Funny-AdviceConfused? Uncertain? Worried that you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve all your problems.  As an oldest child, I’m quite used to bossing people around and telling them what to do.  As someone who has spent countless years and more student loan money than I’d care to think about attending ever more esoteric classes, I’m filled with the type of knowledge that isn’t suitable anywhere else.  Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com.  You can also enjoy my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse.  Enjoy, lovers. 

Dear Suniverse,

How do I get through another sad and lonely Christmas? [Read more...]

EAT THIS! Ball Cookies

funny balls recipe

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Heather Davis

My momma didn’t like saying balls, so she called them Pearl Cookies, but where’s the fun in offering someone “pearl cookies”? Wouldn’t it be so much better to say, “Would you like some balls?” or “Have you tried these balls?” or “Pop one of these balls in your mouth.”  And this recipe is very versatile:  If you want white balls, you can roll ‘em in powdered sugar.  If you want hairy balls, you can roll them in coconut.  If you want lumpy balls, you can roll them in chopped nuts.  If you want blue balls, you can make the whole recipe naked and then just throw them in the freezer without eating any!   [Read more...]