Slutty but Funny – 80′s Fashion. It’s Back.

tom_selleck glasses

Ladies, it is time. It is time for us to admit that the 80’s are back and it looks so damn good. On men, that is. (Step away from the crimper, Sarah.)

So yes, I’m talking to you, good sir, with the glorious Tom Selleck mustache.

And yes, you, Mr. Strong legs, rocking the bright red shorty-shorts. You say the length of the shorts helps with your endless cross-country training? Sure it does. But it helps me get through those cold and lonely nights, so you wear those bad boys all you damn well please. [Read more...]

Open Letter to The Creative Group

the creative group staffingThis is an open letter to The Creative Group Denver employees concerning my referral for help with job placement and your screening policies and procedures. The Creative Group, according to your website, “…specialize in placing experienced creative and marketing professionals in rewarding positions with a variety of firms. Our Account Executives are former marketing, advertising and creative professionals who know the business – and your marketplace – and can provide you with just the right talent for your requirements.”

My recent conversation with your company went like this:

The Creative Group Employee #1: What are you doing now?

Me: Contract work.

The Creative Group Employee #1: Oh, this is the wrong division for you. You are supposed to get the contract division, not full time employment.

Instantaneous Transfer to The Creative Group Employee #2

Me: Hi, um, so unless you have a full time job, you cannot get placed with a full time position through The Creative Group?

The Creative Group Employee #2: Correct. “Only the people who are the best at what they do get placed in full time jobs.” Also, because of XYZ, it is “a catch 22” so it would be hard to place you. We’ll see you Friday.

Nice job on the hazing, Creative Group! So what happens at hazing level 2, do you punch me in the face as I walk in the door? [Read more...]

EAT THIS! Santa’s Reindeer’s Scat

reindeer-poop-recipe

 

Dark Chocolate Truffles aka, “Santa’s Reindeer’s Scat”

 
Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Elizabeth Bastos

1) Combine on top of a double boiler (if you care about that sort of fuss, you could also just nuke it in the microwave on ‘HI” until its melted) 1/4 cup strong coffee, 7 oz. semi-sweet chocolate chips, 2 ounces unsweetened chocolate. 

2) Transfer to a mixing bowl. Add enough butter to feel fait from artery clog, just the way Santa felt before his guadruple bypass, about 1 1/4 sticks, cut in small pieces. Beat until smooth and glossy reindeer hide, though I have never seen reindeer hide. Just imagine it. The gloss. The smoothness. [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol 1 Edition 4

sex-drought

Confused? Uncertain? Worried that you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve all your problems.  As an oldest child, I’m quite used to bossing people around and telling them what to do.  As someone who has spent countless years and more student loan money than I’d care to think about attending ever more esoteric classes, I’m filled with the type of knowledge that isn’t suitable anywhere else.  Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com.  You can also enjoy my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse.  Enjoy, lovers. 
 

Dear Suniverse,

I have not had ANY SEX AT ALL in six years and thirteen days. Will I ever have ANY SEX AT ALL? And also, do I now qualify as revirginised? [Read more...]

Eat This! Loaded Balls

 

christmas-balls-funny

 

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Heather Davis

Be sure to tell your guests to keep a napkin handy because these balls are juicy and will squirt in their mouths and dribble down their chins if they aren’t careful. Some might swallow; some might try it, but spit it out; and many guests won’t even eat them after you tell them this and that would leave more for you!

3 slices bread, cubed (or if you have a child who decided to make bread soup by dumping a whole loaf of bread in a bowl of water the day you decided to cook these, you could just use 1 cup of bread crumbs)

1 c milk

1 egg

½ t garlic salt

1 t salt

½ c chopped celery (or celery seed for the picky husband who refuses to eat celery, but doesn’t notice one single bit when you use celery seed)

½ c chopped onion

1 lb hamburger

1 lb hot sausage (bulk)

(Or you can do 2 lbs hamburger or 2 lbs turkey if you’re all “Biggest Loser” and whatnot) [Read more...]

The Poop Alibi – S. Jane Gari and Heidi R. Willis

 

 

At fifteen, I went on my first date.  It was a lame “mall date” during which we browsed Spencer’s Gifts, Waldenbooks , Wicks ‘n’ Sticks and some comic book store with a dirty bathroom.  The bathroom was the most memorable part of the date, because I spent at least twenty minutes in there.  It was the heaviest day of my period, and I tend to poop a lot on those days.  Gynecologists will tell you this is normal, as uterine contractions can also activate the shit reflex. 

The business of crapping is unsexy conversation on any date, much less a first date in which the participants are already so uncomfortable with their teenaged bodies, the uneasiness is palpable.  So, while I was in the bathroom, churning out round after round of nastiness, I devised my alibi.  [Read more...]

Notes From Your Drunk Grandma: Childhood Enrichment

 kids today

Sit down, dear—we need to have a talk.

My grandchildren are insufferably boring, and Nana can’t take it anymore.

It’s not for lack of trying on your part, Lord knows. They’re in baseball, watercolors, boy scouts, wreck diving, creative weavery, and yet they’re still so pale and whiny and afraid of being awesome like Grandma.

For Christmas this year, Nana wants her sweet muffin-faced angels to be the most inglorious badasses that ever walked the Earth.

 

Reintegration Camp Adventure

Replaces: All learning activities.

Class: They sit in rickety wooden chairs in the haunted part of my basement while I shout facts through a bullhorn 2 feet from him. Each time they forget a fact, another stuffed animal disappears. [Read more...]

Eat This! German Christmas Stollen

funny christmas recipe

German Christmas Stollen- a family recipe as flavorless as it accusing
Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Traci Foust and Max Petersen

Looking for the perfect Secret Santa gift? Need a holiday dessert to let your guests know your cooking sparkles as bright as the star that lead the wise men to baby Jesus? Here’s an authentic and extremely complicated German recipe to show all your loved ones you’re totally fine with settling for their friendship. It’s German Christmas Stollen. Literally translated the word means, mineshaft, a fitting Germanic symbol of how low your enthusiasm will sink once you figure out Trader Joe’s has a whole rack of these dry, tasteless cakes for half of what you’ll spend to make one. This recipe comes with American instructions and was given to me by my Berlinese boyfriend ,who every year around tannenbaum time, kicks me out of my own kitchen with a warning that I not assist his baking in any way lest I, “Fuck the whole thing up with my decorative sprinkles and Americaness.”

Also, the word stollen when said quickly sounds like Stalin which somehow makes everything feel more Christmasy.   
Total prep and cook time: 2-3 excruciating hours

Ingredients

  • 1 tablespoon active dry yeast. If you’re using American yeast, skip the “active” part and look for a packet that’s drinking a Pepsi while sitting in front of The Kardashians.
  • 2/3 cup warm milk (110 degrees F/45 degrees C) You may microwave the milk or warm things up with romantic German phrases such as, “If I don’t like your hairstyle I will let you know” or “We can hold hands once the ferry has started and things have calmed down a bit.” [Read more...]

Kid Still Life Vol. 2 – Elizabeth Bastos

 Among the crap of a life with kids can be found: Art. Toys, blocks, bikes, bike helmets, and leftover sandwiches that have been left just so, as if they are a still life done by an Old Master, if the Old Masters were a six-year-old boy with an interest in farting, and penguins.

I take pictures of what I find, and provide a title. Sometimes the result is poignant, reflecting something deep and humane in our nature, such as a pig sniffing a penguin’s butt, and sometimes it is funny.

I’ll believe in you if you believe in me

  [Read more...]

Fund Kill The Band – Mockrockdocumentary and Album

ONLY 6 DAYS LEFT TO DONATE!!

 

killy the band

KILL THE BAND, starring Killy (the FnS Fairy), is leaving NYC and heading up to the woods to record their first fully visualized comedy concept rock album at Leopard studios.  While sequestered in the studio, Tridango Productions will shoot a  mockrockdocumentary of the “making of”  the album. KTB will take their Thanksgiving vacation to create a one of a kind experience for the listener/viewer.  This is not your mom’s musical comedy album!  With songs like “Don’t Attack Me With Your Happiness”, “Famous Baby”, “Girl Balls” and “Mock Bottom” you can expect to be surprised and will constantly find new, hilarious layers throughout this ridiculous experiment in music and comedy (Bright Side Of The Moon?).