Commando ~ Song by Linda Roy

Commando 

by: Linda Roy
Music by: ABBA
Lyrics by: Linda Roy

From the Urban Dictionary:
Commando: Not wearing any underpants. “I’m goin’ commando today!” 

This is a delicate subject. It’s a little bit TMI, but I trust FnS readers… Some of you parents out there must have gone through it with your kids at some point. You must have! Okay, here’s the thing. My young son “M” has rug burn issues. I mean my gawd, how many pairs of Star Wars Underoos do we have to go through before he finally puts all this…behind him?  I’m at my wits rear end, people. He goes through so many pairs that I can’t keep up with the laundry. It gets to where I’m out buying extra packs of skivvies to fill his daily undergarment quota.

Yesterday the drawer was empty.

Without making the brief pilgrimage to Target, I was screwed. I was left with no choice but to tell him he’d need to go commando.

M: What’s commando? Is that like GI Joe? [Read more...]

Janet’s Missed Connection

britishdaniel

Janet Silverman is, in fact, a brilliant actor and writer but this is a true story. Names have NOT been changed to protect the innocent. Hopefully people can really relate to this experience, laugh at her insecurities, and share this like crazy so that Janet can find her Prince Charming and/or future murderer!

SERIOUSLY. If you know British Daniel: imbritishdaniel@gmail.com
#britishdaniel

To be continued…

 

International World State Pushup Champion ~ H. Lovelyn Bettison

funny champion

What the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
-  Napoleon Hill

I’ve heard this quote a hundred times, but never really believed it until just the other day. You may wonder what changed. Don’t worry, I’ll tell you.

It was a Wednesday when I looked in the mirror and noticed the lack of definition in my arms. I was devastated until I realized that I had the power to change. So I got down on the floor right then and there and did a pushup … okay it was a half pushup. It was more like a quarter of a pushup, but it was close enough. That’s how it all began.
 

I’m writing this to you Funny not Slutties today as the International World State Pushup Champion. That’s right. All you need is a dream and a random combination of words ending with the word champion and you too could be a winner like me!

Don’t believe me? Just watch this interview I did with International World State Champions of the Universe Video Magazine for proof.

 

H. Lovelyn Bettison

H. Lovelyn Bettison is an author and blogger. Read about the funny side of life on her blog Nebulous Mooch where life is all sunshine and sausages.

5 Ways To Celebrate Your Mess This Summer on the Fringe ~ Mallory Schlossberg

Sponsored by Molly Marjorie Rosenblatt Needs A Man (And Other Stuff)

So, we’re we’ll into the thick of summer (and that sounds disgusting), and well into half of 2013. If 2013 has not been going according to plan – didn’t lose those ten pounds? Haven’t found a husband/significant other/pet to alleviate your loneliness? Haven’t kicked your wine for dinner habit? Instead of beating yourself up, why not CELEBRATE it?

1. Go to your favorite bar in your sweatpants. OWN IT.

2. Eat an entire bag of pita chips because IT IS DELICIOUS.

3. Skip the workout for a shopping work out.

4. Delete your OK Cupid profile even though you haven’t met anybody. YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF.

5.  Make an entire dinner out of the microwave. Carcinogenic? Maybe. Delicious? Potentially? Easy? YES.

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/molly-marjorie-rosenblatt-needs-a-man-goes-to-fringenyc

There’s an ENTIRE MUSICAL this summer in NYC dedicated to celebrating your mess and not having it together. It’s at the NY International Fringe Festival. For more info, be sure to follow Molly on twitter (@MMRNeedsAMan), like her on Facebook, and check out www.mmrneedsaman.com.

Mallory Schlossberg is a writer and performer living in New York. Her original one woman musical “Molly Marjorie Rosenblatt Needs A Man (And Other Stuff)” has been performed multiple times at The Magnet Theater. For more of her musings, visit www.schlossed-by-mallory.tumblr.com, and follow her on twitter @malloryschloss.

Cathy Ladman Does Ferguson

Cathy Ladman is a  stand-up comedian, television writer, and actor. She was featured in her own installment of HBO’s One Night Stand comedy series, and has been a guest on The Tonight Show on nine occasions as well as TV shows like Roseanne, Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist, Caroline in the City (in a recurring role), and Everybody Loves Raymond. She won an American Comedy Award for Best Female Stand-Up Comic in 1992.

Cathy appeared on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson last night, and she gave us a little glimpse into her life to share along with the performance!

 

When did you first realize you were hilarious?

I think in kindergarten I used to do an impression of my school principal, the ancient Miss Carol (sp)?

Be honest, how rough were the first open mics?/ what was your worst stage experience?

They were okay, those first ones. Up and down. But I don’t remember them being devastating. My worst stage experience, if not one of my worst, was when I’d been doing stand-up for about a year. I took Amtrak to Philly and did a show at the Taproom, I believe, in Ambler, PA. (I think these are accurate names, but, who knows)? Anyway, I was wearing a cute, casual cotton summer skirt, and doing my act, and the audience starting murmuring, then talking, then heckling, and then things started hitting the stage. So, here’s what I did: I said, “Thank you, good night,” and left the stage. I said “Thank you”!!!! Jesus. Then, my best friend, Kathy, who still lived in Philly, at the time, and who is still my best friend, and I drove to a Friendly’s and ate something, and I cried. She wrote me a note and drew a picture on a napkin, and I kept it for years, until I think it may have gotten lost in a move in the past few years. It said, “You are very funny. If you ever need to know just call me, and I will tell you.”

How long did it take you to find your comedic voice, and how did you find it?

My comedic voice is really who I am, and I think it didn’t take me too long to relax into it on stage. And as I change, it changes (I hope).

What do you want the future to hold for Cathy Ladman?

A lot more acting, in TV and film. A lot more employment in those venues. And stand-up in theaters.

What would you tell your 18-year-old self?

Do it. Travel. Take the time to explore. Don’t doubt yourself. You have all you need. You are enough. Accept yourself.

 
 

Slutty but Funny

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comedian but the reality is she’s a NYC girl trying to make it big. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).

 
 

What To Get Married In by World-Renowned Fashion Stylist Héléne Bouffant

Hello, my pasty pork chops!
Welcome to summer; a season of glistening bodies and unusual smells. A season where pale, frightened body parts are finally exposed to sunlight. There is a sense of rebellion, and of things that cannot be unseen.
But not only is summer the season of foul crevices, it is also the season of weddings! And when you have weddings, then approximately three-quarters of the time (if my math is correct) you have wedding dresses! Oh, Versace-on-a-cross do I love a wedding dress! There are so many choices, my tacky little corsages! To help you narrow it down, I am going to review 2013 wedding dress trends. If you are soon to be married, use this as your guide. Don’t make a fool out of yourself. And if you have already wed, this list will show you where you went so terribly, terribly wrong.

Old-Hollywood Glamour

fns july13k

Don’t be intimidated to wear a gown to your wedding that says, “Yes, I saw The Great Gatsby. And I loved it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lace

 

fns july13h

Lace is both traditional and romantic; lace is classic, and yet barely covers the nipples. It is a stunning choice for the girl who wants to be sexy in that “naughty schoolgirl” kind of way on her wedding day: she has flowers in her hair and is wearing white, but there is nothing covering the slightly less interesting parts of her breasts. Your guests will be confused about how they are supposed to feel, which is exactly the kind of statement a Héléne Bouffant bride wants to make.

[Read more...]

No Show: My One Woman Show Indiegogo Campaign ~ Jenn Dodd

No Show promo

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/no-show-a-one-woman-show/x/2493684

Hello all of you funny-not-slutty’s, slutty-but-funny’s and lovers of hoo-ha ha-ha’s! [Read more...]

Poor Girls Morning Routine Part 2 – Mirra Laes

makeup-on-the-cheap-tips

Continued from Part 1

Face washed: meh. SPF lotion on: maybe. Unibrow deconstruction attempt: Ugh. Okay, now I’m ready for makeup.  The first makeup item is foundation, I don’t use that primer crap and I’m not entirely sure what that is all about either.  This foundation is probably the exact color my face was at least three months ago and the only application method is swooping my finger in the mini tub and rubbing it between my hands and then aggressively attacking my face.  I have no cotton balls or special brushes ….maybe someday I’ll have a nice looking container with a fancy black and white lace design, with some gold too, and will keep all my super soft makeup brushes in it and that will be all its used for.  At this time my hands are now covered with the foundation and I usually find an old towel or “something” to wipe them on.

On to the blush! The blush consists of a small compact that contains its own little cheap black brush with a cracked lid that often falls off.  Also I don’t remember when I bought it, like, at all.  Swoop Swoop, and I’m done with that step.  This is the point where I may put my glasses back on to find my coffee cup and chug it.  I also might put on some chap stick, Burts Bees, in case you were wondering.  Glasses back off and I reach for my eyeliner so I don’t look like I’m 13 years old on this particular day.  I’ve got to get the eye liner on before the coffee shakes begin and after the hangover shakes end.  Currently I don’t even have the right color because I accidently grabbed grey instead of black at my local Walgreens because I was in a hurry BECAUSE I probably had some cheese to eat at home or something, and grey is like a shitty black that just looks shitty. [Read more...]

What to wear this summer when sitting by the pool and making sure the gardener isn’t stealing – Héléne Bouffant

Hello my little seal skins!

Welcome to summer! I don’t know about you because I make it a rule not to speak to the public, but I cannot wait for swimsuit season. Yes, Héléne Bouffant loves to wear the latest in swimwear paired with a glorious cover up. The less sophisticated among you might consider the dreadfully named “muu muu,” but I urge you to look at some of the wonderful cover up options hitting the runway these days.

SWIM WEAR MUU MUU

No.

Swimwear CU

Yes! See how well this covers her upper arms and collar bone?

I would like to show you some of your options for Summer 2013 swimwear. These are fresh off the runway, pussycats! I dare you to pick just one!

FASHION-BRAZIL-RIO FASHION WEEK-TRIYAHere is a stunning design from this year’s Rio Fashion Week. Look at how seamlessly the designer was able to incorporate long sleeves and metal bars into a single suit. Usually you can only get one or the other. I should warn you, however, that you absolutely must not wear this suit in sunshine. No one enjoys the feeling of burning metal against their bosoms, except for me during a brief experimental period in the 1980′s.

swim wear Mercedes+Benz+Fashion+Week+Swim+2013+Official+xXt6AaQNlC9l Looking for something sexy to wear this summer? How about this liberating one-piece? All you need is two friends to help you get into it and a large bottle of sunscreen. Just think of the tan lines – you shall be the striped tigress of Chili’s or wherever people like you go to eat. [Read more...]

Game of Kardashians. It could happen.

game-of-kardashians

The third season of Game of Thrones is over and I’m feeling down.  You too?  Or are you happy you don’t have to listen to all this “Mother of Dragons” crap at work anymore when you’d rather talk about Khloe, Kourtney and Kim?

To those indifferent to or haters of both Game of Thrones and the Kardashians:

I was you a year ago. I had never seen Game of Thrones or any show starring a Kardashian. The way I see it, all Thrones fandom is on a continuum between two extremes.

You read all 4,000+ pages before TV series ever started, rabidly devour series episodes, then complain about ways they’re inferior to the books. And…

Dragons, really? Characters called Theon Greyjoy and Samwell Tarly? You’re a serious, busy adult with no time for this sexed-up Lord of the Rings nonsense.

I’m somewhere in the middle, which means I still get confused about plot points like why Jorah is moping around in the friend zone with Dany or how Stannis ended up with red Morticia Addams. Or why Jon Snow is always called “Jon Snow” and never Jon or Johnny.

I haven’t read the books, which means I can’t ask the book people questions without getting all spoilered to hell. And I can’t even commiserate about the show being over for now, because I haven’t paid my 4,000 pages worth of dues. So I really only have two choices – I can either read the books, which means I’ll have to quit showering, working and raising my kid for a year (what could go wrong?) or I bring some of you non-Throne watching dragon-scoffers into the fold.

If you’ve been skipping Game of Thrones to watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians, I think you’d be surprised to learn how much these competing shows actually have in common:

  • Game of Thrones already features the Armenian-sounding Baratheons and Targeryens; wouldn’t a House of Kardashian fit right in? There might even be a House Kardashian.  (Shut it, book-snob. You don’t know; the last books haven’t even been written yet.) [Read more...]