Slutty but Funny – Dear Sarah Jessica Parker

by Natalie Wall

 

Sarah Jessica Parker…shut the fuck up. I am so sick of you making all women feel inadequate about themselves based solely on the fact that you…are you. [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 1

Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse. Enjoy, lovers. 

Dear Suniverse,

I am about to move to a very small town, where I will no doubt immediately alienate most of the population, terrify some and enrage the rest. Do you think I should I buy a red or yellow bicycle for the road raging event that I am sure will see the end of me?

Small Town Problems  [Read more...]

Why The Brownie Leader Hates My Guts

kids craftsby K A B L O O E Y

The Mooch and I stare down at a table full of glitter-bombed dreck.  Brenda, my daughter’s Brownie troop leader, points to a green lump with glued-on googly eyes and orange tinsel hair.

“This is Moochie’s St. Patrick’s Day project. She didn’t finish it, then said it didn’t matter because mom always throws them out anyway.”

Crap.  I shoot a horrified glance at my informant daughter, mutter “Oh, Fredo, you broke my heart” and start furious verbal backpedaling.

“Oh, no; she’s confused.  We throw away some of the school papers, the worksheets and whatnot, but not her Brownie projects.” 

In truth, she’s lucky if they make the car. Every week there is another holiday themed, dollar bin at Michael’s craft project to transport home.  Invariably, they are covered in wet Elmer’s glue, so you have to hold them gingerly, as if they are made of Dresden china. It’s like transporting baby chicks with brittle bone disease.

Once the foam monstrosities are in the house, they stay on the dining room table, shedding pipe cleaners, until my daughter forgets about them.  Then I collect a pile and dispose of them under cover of night, like a serial killer burying the bodies. [Read more...]

Urban Bicycling While Female – Beth Stelling

I’m having my first bout with “editor’s block” since I started FnS in 2008. Pretty sure it’s attributed to working on the new version of the site and not being able to concentrate on the current. After watching 30 minutes of videos that were a complete waste of time, I wrote Elizabeth McQuern who produces awesomeness in the form of shows and videos. She shared this tidbit, which is perfect for us. Thanks, Elizabeth!

I tend to call a lot of the quirky comedy out of Chicago like what Elizabeth McQuern produces, ”alt comedy” but she says not to call it that. So I’ll just call it funny.

https://www.facebook.com/chicagoundergroundcomedy and @ChUComedy on twitter

Slutty but Funny – Pitbull was Wrong

by Natalie Wall

I keep hearing that retarded song buy Taio Cruz /Pitbull/your mom on auto-tune or whoever gives a flying fuck, but seeing as that description may leave a few in the dark, let me give you a taste of the specific lyric that irks the fucking fuck out of me:

“My life is like a movie and yours is just Tivo”

…haha…wait…what?

Now, I don’t know if this is cause I’m from the Gilmore Girls venacular/caucasian genre/I’m telling you I’m white, demographic, but Tivo is the closest thing to sex without having to take your clothes off….or turn off the lights.

Tivo fucking rocks….do you get that Pitbull….do you get that?

And what type of movies are you speaking of, because I don’t know if you have frequented you local cinema lately, but the majority of movies out there are shit…

…we’re you disappointed in Megamind too, Pitbull? Oh, goodness me too. You’d think such a great combination with Ferrell, Fey, Pitt and of course you’re sexy eye candy Jonah Hill in 3D would be a match made in heaven…but it wasn’t.

…it really wasn’t.

Now unless you were talking about Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties, cause that movie had EVERYTHING…it had a talking cat, it had romance, horror, a pussy with a British accent, and oh man that twist! Nicole Kidman as the “others” who could have seen that coming??…no one, that’s who…fucking brilliant. [Read more...]

5 Ways Parent Trap Changed My Life

Emily-Schorr-Lesnick

by Emily Schorr Lesnick

The Parent Trap (1998) is the film that has impacted my life more than any other piece of cinema.  I love this Disney classic not because of some nostalgia-driven, ironic pursuit, but because it has truly permeated my consciousness and molded me into the woman I am today.  Beyond my childhood fantasy of having a twin (who could still be out there…which is why I go to Camp Walden for Girls every summer), The Parent Trap helped me transition through puberty and into adulthood with the same grace as its star, Lindsay Lohan.

1. L is for the Way You Look at Me. Because my parents played an excess of showtunes, I have two films to thank for my introduction to musical pop culture: Mrs. Doubtfire and The Parent Trap. The latter film features Beatles songs, George Thorogood’s “Bad to the Bone,” Nat King Cole, and that song about believing in magic.  I have the soundtrack, and I find it’s a great supplement to doing homework, cooking, and practicing secret handshakes.

2. Girls, Girls, Girls. While The Parents Trap is technically a remake of the 1961 film starring Hayley Mills, the screenplay is uniquely crafted by none other than Nancy Meyers, director of It’s Complicated and Something’s Gotta Give, posterchild for #whitegirlproblems and mid-life crises. My friend shared a game with me where she makes up her own titles for Nancy Meyers movies.  Some examples: When One Door Opens and Nothing But a Number. While the protagonists of The Parent Trap are much younger than Meyers’s target demographic, let’s not forget that the whole “trap” in question is to reunite old flames Nick Parker and Elizabeth James. [Read more...]

Tig Notaro FnS Interview

Tig-Notaro

Tig Notaro is most well-known as “Officer Tig” on Comedy Central’s THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM. In previous years, Tig played “Rhoda” on the ABC sitcom IN THE MOTHERHOOD (with Megan Mullally and Cheryl Hines), “Leigh-Roy” on Comedy Central’s critically acclaimed DOG BITES MAN (with Zach Galifianakis), and had her own half-hour special, COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS TIG. She has also performed on NBC’s LAST COMIC STANDING, ABC’s JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE, NBC’s LAST CALL WITH CARSON DALY, ABC’s COMICS UNLEASED and Comedy Central’s PREMIUM BLEND.

Tig’s debut album “Good One” is available at iTunes and Amazon (there is a free sample track I recommend on that link) and you can also go to www.tignotaro.com for more Tig stuff. See Tig perform at The Caledonia Lounge this Thursday, August 25, in Athens, GA. You can listen to episodes of Tig’s podcast Professor Blastoff and follow Professor Blastoff on twitter.


Your CD Good One, which is hilarious, debuted at #2 in the US and #1 in Canada. And you were immediately #4 on iTunes Comedy top 10. Can you believe it?

i really can’t. and to celebrate, i went mansion shopping immediately.

You used to be a music/concert promoter, and have done some singing on Funny or Die. Can we expect any Tig music CDs anytime soon?

well, i’ve heard a rumor that taylor dayne would like to work with me someday, so ideally, we’ll be doing a duet album together.

You are often in lineups or podcasts where you are the only female. What’s that like? [Read more...]

An Overdue Thank-You Note to the Attractive President of a Substantially Sized Country

by Laura Burns

March 12, 2009

Dear Attractive President of a Substantially Sized Country,

Thank you for saving me $34.84 per month, or its equivalent in our nation’s currency, by recently passing legislation that reduced the amount of tax money withheld from my paycheck. Because of the magnitude of your generosity, and because I know you’ve got other things to take care of, I have decided to do your intel a favor by publicly detailing the manner in which I plan on spending this money over the next 30 days.

Item #1

When I go out to the bar this weekend to celebrate a holiday associated with drinking, I will buy myself a beer. Then, if a charming fellow offers to buy me a drink, I can slyly raise my bottle, indicating that I’m all set, instead of freaking out and only requesting water because I don’t trust the intentions of men. I think, if you were to offer me a drink, I would also only ask for a tap water because I wouldn’t want our relationship to be based on a fluke, drunken presidential-office hookup that would make you respect me less as a person. And I certainly wouldn’t want any of the above to happen on account of my not having any money to buy my own beer, which would undoubtedly cause me to accept your offer of a Red Bull vodka, which would inevitably lead to the consummation of our deep, romantic feelings towards each other.

$34.84 − $5.00 = $29.84, or its equivalent in our nation’s currency.

Item #2

The next thing I would like to invest in is a good breakfast at this excellent diner downtown that I went to one time. They have a delicious and various selection of eggs, bacon, Belgian waffles, crepes, and the like. Because the morning after is going to be so rough for me, once I realize that you and I will never work out because we’re going in two completely different directions. I mean, you’ve got to manage our substantially sized nation’s economy, and I still have an outstanding payment at a health club located in a wealthy suburb that used predatory tactics to rope me into a full-year contract, which I promptly cancelled, but still I fear they are out to get me. Plus, I’m addicted to caffeinated beverages, reasonably priced designer clothes, and digital keychain pets. [Read more...]

American H.O.A.R by “Victoria Jackson”

American H.O.A.R : Spreading the Awareness – by “Victoria Jackson”
by Traci Foust and Iraqi Vet, Tyler Jones

Hi everyone! As you all know, this “Independence” Day kicks off the tour of my first presidential campaign: Hand standing up for the Obligation of American Restoration (HOAR) My mission is the same as it has been since the first time I voted way back in 2000, to keep my country from the disabling grips of communism and homosexuality. So far my campaign trail has lead me to many wonderful folks who are just as worried as I am about socialism and gay things like everyone having access to health care, fire stations and marriage.  Last week I stopped in Tempe Arizona, and aside from triple digit temperatures, all the New Age Jesus haters in Sedona and illegal Mexicans setting fire to practically the entire state, my trip has been great so far.  I even had the chance to sit down with retired military personnel Tyler Jones. Tyler is a young outspoken man who is just as angry about the wrong turn our country has taken as I am. I could totally tell by his numerous tattoos and piercings, this man is a jaded veteran, furious and crude in the aftermath of the treatment he and his comrades received from liberal haters and the misguiding of the “Commander in Chief”.  Plus, our initials rhyme which I believe may be a sign from the Lord that it’s ok to talk to him.

VJ: Mr. Jones it’s so nice of you to speak with me today and answer my questions. Considering how confusing life must be for someone who fought so hard to free our nation of terrorism only to come back to the states and find the real terror has just begun right here at home.

TJ: Uh huh. Thanks Vickie. Not exactly sure what you mean by the real terror at home, though.

VJ: Well, let’s begin with the gay agenda smokescreen the Obama Administration provides by means of supporting  “don’t ask don’t tell”. When I first heard this phrase I was all, Oh, so this is something good because my youth minister said this a lot at summer Bible camp, but when I found out what this whole agenda was really about I was like, Gross! It’s basically just an excuse for “women” to indulge in boy things like flying helicopters and wearing combat boots. An obvious ploy for the encouragement of lesbianism. It’s such a disgrace to real women everywhere.

TJ: A Disgrace? You mean like those frilly bows you insist on wearing? The ones that make you look like more of a moron than even Sarah Palin? [Read more...]

When Someone You Love Has A Blog……

Alexandra Schultze Humorist
by Alexandra Schultze

This is Part I of a 3-Part Series covering “Living with a Blogger.”  DISCLAIMER:  My husband had nothing to do in any way with the  *inspiration* for this post. 

Loving someone who has a blog can be challenging, even confusing at times. There are so many elements of the unknown and unfamiliar, and you may feel at a loss as to what is happening to the one you chose, years ago.

Here, I have prepared a basic guide of how to speak to, and understand your blogger loved one. My hope is to help you interpret various states of mind, and behaviors of a blogger, so that you may provide the blogger you love with the in-real-life support and assurance they need.

Remember,  the person you love is still in there, and they’d love to share their world with you. Be patient, and understand, that the blogosphere they enter is entirely real, and actually does make them happier, and more productive in the end. Though, bloggers don’t measure “productive” in quite the same way as the rest of the world does.

~ When your blogger asks, “how did you like my post today?” Do not answer, “it was like an academy award speech, where they have to start the music up.”  Not a good answer. Better answer? “I thought it was great.”

~ When your blogger begins to speak of  people with names like “Momtothree” and “HouseofMouse,” do not ask her why in the world grown women would give themselves nicknames like that, instead say, “hmm…tell me who they are again.” Much better.

~ Do not suggest that she have T shirts or custom sticky notes made up of her site header for $5.00 each, and then sell them to her readers for $20.00 each and that if she sells only 5 of them, then that’s at least more money than she’s made thus far from her blog. Not a good idea.

~ Realize that your blogger’s mood will become quite manic and hang wringingish if she has posted an hour ago, and nary a comment has come in yet. Do NOT mention her agitation. Instead, be helpful and ask her if perhaps she has not checked “allow comments” under post options. This will make her feel better, and you will be considered as quite helpful. [Read more...]