Memoirs of My America – Lunchroom Angst

by Alexandra

funny-lunch-story

I am a suburban mother of three school age children, who, like most mothers across America; finds herself packing lunches Monday through Friday. For most mothers out there, I’ll bet pleasant memories of trading lunches with grade school friends brings a smile to their lips as they seal baggies with healthy, routine lunch fare for their American children.

You all probably see yourselves, back in fourth grade, sitting at the long lunchroom table across from your friends. Chattering away while pulling out the contents of what your very American parent has packed for you. So sweet, I’m happy for you; really. I’m happy that reminiscing about swapping lunches makes you smile and doesn’t conjure up a knot in your stomach.

It all has to do with what your childhood lunches were like. My lunches, my first-generation born here lunches, can only be described with the word “PANIC” placed in front of it. [Read more...]

Slutty but Funny – Dear Sarah Jessica Parker

by Natalie Wall

 

Sarah Jessica Parker…shut the fuck up. I am so sick of you making all women feel inadequate about themselves based solely on the fact that you…are you. [Read more...]

Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 1

Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse. Enjoy, lovers. 

Dear Suniverse,

I am about to move to a very small town, where I will no doubt immediately alienate most of the population, terrify some and enrage the rest. Do you think I should I buy a red or yellow bicycle for the road raging event that I am sure will see the end of me?

Small Town Problems  [Read more...]

Why The Brownie Leader Hates My Guts

kids craftsby K A B L O O E Y

The Mooch and I stare down at a table full of glitter-bombed dreck.  Brenda, my daughter’s Brownie troop leader, points to a green lump with glued-on googly eyes and orange tinsel hair.

“This is Moochie’s St. Patrick’s Day project. She didn’t finish it, then said it didn’t matter because mom always throws them out anyway.”

Crap.  I shoot a horrified glance at my informant daughter, mutter “Oh, Fredo, you broke my heart” and start furious verbal backpedaling.

“Oh, no; she’s confused.  We throw away some of the school papers, the worksheets and whatnot, but not her Brownie projects.” 

In truth, she’s lucky if they make the car. Every week there is another holiday themed, dollar bin at Michael’s craft project to transport home.  Invariably, they are covered in wet Elmer’s glue, so you have to hold them gingerly, as if they are made of Dresden china. It’s like transporting baby chicks with brittle bone disease.

Once the foam monstrosities are in the house, they stay on the dining room table, shedding pipe cleaners, until my daughter forgets about them.  Then I collect a pile and dispose of them under cover of night, like a serial killer burying the bodies. [Read more...]

American H.O.A.R by “Victoria Jackson”

American H.O.A.R : Spreading the Awareness – by “Victoria Jackson”
by Traci Foust and Iraqi Vet, Tyler Jones

Hi everyone! As you all know, this “Independence” Day kicks off the tour of my first presidential campaign: Hand standing up for the Obligation of American Restoration (HOAR) My mission is the same as it has been since the first time I voted way back in 2000, to keep my country from the disabling grips of communism and homosexuality. So far my campaign trail has lead me to many wonderful folks who are just as worried as I am about socialism and gay things like everyone having access to health care, fire stations and marriage.  Last week I stopped in Tempe Arizona, and aside from triple digit temperatures, all the New Age Jesus haters in Sedona and illegal Mexicans setting fire to practically the entire state, my trip has been great so far.  I even had the chance to sit down with retired military personnel Tyler Jones. Tyler is a young outspoken man who is just as angry about the wrong turn our country has taken as I am. I could totally tell by his numerous tattoos and piercings, this man is a jaded veteran, furious and crude in the aftermath of the treatment he and his comrades received from liberal haters and the misguiding of the “Commander in Chief”.  Plus, our initials rhyme which I believe may be a sign from the Lord that it’s ok to talk to him.

VJ: Mr. Jones it’s so nice of you to speak with me today and answer my questions. Considering how confusing life must be for someone who fought so hard to free our nation of terrorism only to come back to the states and find the real terror has just begun right here at home.

TJ: Uh huh. Thanks Vickie. Not exactly sure what you mean by the real terror at home, though.

VJ: Well, let’s begin with the gay agenda smokescreen the Obama Administration provides by means of supporting  “don’t ask don’t tell”. When I first heard this phrase I was all, Oh, so this is something good because my youth minister said this a lot at summer Bible camp, but when I found out what this whole agenda was really about I was like, Gross! It’s basically just an excuse for “women” to indulge in boy things like flying helicopters and wearing combat boots. An obvious ploy for the encouragement of lesbianism. It’s such a disgrace to real women everywhere.

TJ: A Disgrace? You mean like those frilly bows you insist on wearing? The ones that make you look like more of a moron than even Sarah Palin? [Read more...]