Commando ~ Song by Linda Roy

Commando 

by: Linda Roy
Music by: ABBA
Lyrics by: Linda Roy

From the Urban Dictionary:
Commando: Not wearing any underpants. “I’m goin’ commando today!” 

This is a delicate subject. It’s a little bit TMI, but I trust FnS readers… Some of you parents out there must have gone through it with your kids at some point. You must have! Okay, here’s the thing. My young son “M” has rug burn issues. I mean my gawd, how many pairs of Star Wars Underoos do we have to go through before he finally puts all this…behind him?  I’m at my wits rear end, people. He goes through so many pairs that I can’t keep up with the laundry. It gets to where I’m out buying extra packs of skivvies to fill his daily undergarment quota.

Yesterday the drawer was empty.

Without making the brief pilgrimage to Target, I was screwed. I was left with no choice but to tell him he’d need to go commando.

M: What’s commando? Is that like GI Joe? [Read more...]

International World State Pushup Champion ~ H. Lovelyn Bettison

funny champion

What the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.
-  Napoleon Hill

I’ve heard this quote a hundred times, but never really believed it until just the other day. You may wonder what changed. Don’t worry, I’ll tell you.

It was a Wednesday when I looked in the mirror and noticed the lack of definition in my arms. I was devastated until I realized that I had the power to change. So I got down on the floor right then and there and did a pushup … okay it was a half pushup. It was more like a quarter of a pushup, but it was close enough. That’s how it all began.
 

I’m writing this to you Funny not Slutties today as the International World State Pushup Champion. That’s right. All you need is a dream and a random combination of words ending with the word champion and you too could be a winner like me!

Don’t believe me? Just watch this interview I did with International World State Champions of the Universe Video Magazine for proof.

 

H. Lovelyn Bettison

H. Lovelyn Bettison is an author and blogger. Read about the funny side of life on her blog Nebulous Mooch where life is all sunshine and sausages.

5 Ways To Celebrate Your Mess This Summer on the Fringe ~ Mallory Schlossberg

Sponsored by Molly Marjorie Rosenblatt Needs A Man (And Other Stuff)

So, we’re we’ll into the thick of summer (and that sounds disgusting), and well into half of 2013. If 2013 has not been going according to plan – didn’t lose those ten pounds? Haven’t found a husband/significant other/pet to alleviate your loneliness? Haven’t kicked your wine for dinner habit? Instead of beating yourself up, why not CELEBRATE it?

1. Go to your favorite bar in your sweatpants. OWN IT.

2. Eat an entire bag of pita chips because IT IS DELICIOUS.

3. Skip the workout for a shopping work out.

4. Delete your OK Cupid profile even though you haven’t met anybody. YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF.

5.  Make an entire dinner out of the microwave. Carcinogenic? Maybe. Delicious? Potentially? Easy? YES.

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/molly-marjorie-rosenblatt-needs-a-man-goes-to-fringenyc

There’s an ENTIRE MUSICAL this summer in NYC dedicated to celebrating your mess and not having it together. It’s at the NY International Fringe Festival. For more info, be sure to follow Molly on twitter (@MMRNeedsAMan), like her on Facebook, and check out www.mmrneedsaman.com.

Mallory Schlossberg is a writer and performer living in New York. Her original one woman musical “Molly Marjorie Rosenblatt Needs A Man (And Other Stuff)” has been performed multiple times at The Magnet Theater. For more of her musings, visit www.schlossed-by-mallory.tumblr.com, and follow her on twitter @malloryschloss.

What To Get Married In by World-Renowned Fashion Stylist Héléne Bouffant

Hello, my pasty pork chops!
Welcome to summer; a season of glistening bodies and unusual smells. A season where pale, frightened body parts are finally exposed to sunlight. There is a sense of rebellion, and of things that cannot be unseen.
But not only is summer the season of foul crevices, it is also the season of weddings! And when you have weddings, then approximately three-quarters of the time (if my math is correct) you have wedding dresses! Oh, Versace-on-a-cross do I love a wedding dress! There are so many choices, my tacky little corsages! To help you narrow it down, I am going to review 2013 wedding dress trends. If you are soon to be married, use this as your guide. Don’t make a fool out of yourself. And if you have already wed, this list will show you where you went so terribly, terribly wrong.

Old-Hollywood Glamour

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Don’t be intimidated to wear a gown to your wedding that says, “Yes, I saw The Great Gatsby. And I loved it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lace

 

fns july13h

Lace is both traditional and romantic; lace is classic, and yet barely covers the nipples. It is a stunning choice for the girl who wants to be sexy in that “naughty schoolgirl” kind of way on her wedding day: she has flowers in her hair and is wearing white, but there is nothing covering the slightly less interesting parts of her breasts. Your guests will be confused about how they are supposed to feel, which is exactly the kind of statement a Héléne Bouffant bride wants to make.

[Read more...]

What to wear this summer when sitting by the pool and making sure the gardener isn’t stealing – Héléne Bouffant

Hello my little seal skins!

Welcome to summer! I don’t know about you because I make it a rule not to speak to the public, but I cannot wait for swimsuit season. Yes, Héléne Bouffant loves to wear the latest in swimwear paired with a glorious cover up. The less sophisticated among you might consider the dreadfully named “muu muu,” but I urge you to look at some of the wonderful cover up options hitting the runway these days.

SWIM WEAR MUU MUU

No.

Swimwear CU

Yes! See how well this covers her upper arms and collar bone?

I would like to show you some of your options for Summer 2013 swimwear. These are fresh off the runway, pussycats! I dare you to pick just one!

FASHION-BRAZIL-RIO FASHION WEEK-TRIYAHere is a stunning design from this year’s Rio Fashion Week. Look at how seamlessly the designer was able to incorporate long sleeves and metal bars into a single suit. Usually you can only get one or the other. I should warn you, however, that you absolutely must not wear this suit in sunshine. No one enjoys the feeling of burning metal against their bosoms, except for me during a brief experimental period in the 1980′s.

swim wear Mercedes+Benz+Fashion+Week+Swim+2013+Official+xXt6AaQNlC9l Looking for something sexy to wear this summer? How about this liberating one-piece? All you need is two friends to help you get into it and a large bottle of sunscreen. Just think of the tan lines – you shall be the striped tigress of Chili’s or wherever people like you go to eat. [Read more...]

God Is the Ultimate Wingman – Linda Roy

Single Christian
God is blazing a technological trail into the 21st Century.

And how is the all knowing Creator doing it?

He’s running a dating site.

God is the ultimate wing man.  He’s the Heavenly Host with the most, the Almighty matchmaker. Because frankly, he’s tired of watching us mortals fuck it up. He’s seen the reality dating shows and decided it’d be a sin not to throw his two cents into the collective basket.

If you want something done right, do it Yourself.

People aren’t exactly flocking to church these days and He needs to increase his fan base. What better way than through the Otherworldly Wide Web.

Besides, now you don’t need background checks.  It’s nicely packaged as “mingling”. Suggests a level of purity.

I like that. There’s enough tawdry shit on the interwebs. Never mind that He’s got zero dating experience. It’s not like He’s going to hook you up with that schlub from Accounting who’s got the crusty Hustler collection stashed in the hall closet.  Plus, you’ll always have a Sunday morning brunch companion.

Not only that, but if you’re an aspiring actor or model, He’s got a website for that too! Wanna “shine for Christ in the entertainment industry”? Of course you do and God wants to be your agent. Oh…and sorry, I know becoming a Christian is automatic, but you might have to audition for this.

As for dating, it probably feels like you’ve spent 40 days and 40 nights flooded with the uncertainty of your romantic future. But fear not single Christian. On God’s dating site it’s raining men.

Hallelujah.

 

 

Single Christian

Music by Night Ranger
Lyrics by Linda Roy

 

Single Christian, oh the time has come

God’ll help you find the only one who’ll say

“Let’s Pray”

 

You’re ownin’ it

Trust your plight to Christ

He’ll find your Mr. Right

He runs a dating site

 

You’re smolderin’

It’s not like you’re Sasquatch

You’ll find God’s perfect match

The fish you’ll loaf to catch

 

Single Christian, oh the time has come

God’ll help you find the only one who’ll say

“Let’s pray”

 

‘Cause you’re smolderin’

Yeah, smolderin’

 

 

Linda Roy

Linda Roy fronts the Indie Americana band Jehova Waitresses alongside her guitar toting husband. Remarkably, after years of this they still haven’t killed each other. They live in Jersey with their two boys (somebody’s gotta carry the amps) and she unleashes an inner Larry David on her blog Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom.

 

“The Louise Log” Launches a Seed & Spark Campaign To Fund Season 3

louiselog
Louise Log Seed & Spark Campaign

Louise is hurriedly on her way to pick the kids up at school, when she happens upon an old art school acquaintance, Steve.

A “stop and chat” ensues wherein he points out that she looks “much older” and goes on to humble brag about his upcoming show in Germany. Louise’s inner dialogue is off and running. “You can say that because you’re a real artist. You tell the truth. I’m a little housewife with a manicure.”

Louise’s inner voice is our inner voice. It’s certainly my inner voice. We can relate, even if our husbands don’t happen to be hanging out in the living room in a full body cast only to emerge as our crazy sister’s hot French dead ex-husband.

AnnFlournoy
Creator and writer of “The Louise Log” Anne Flournoy

“The Louise Log” is a comedy web series about the inner life of a married mother of two living in New York’s Greenwich Village. The series, created and written by Guggenheim Fellow Anne Flournoy, was nominated for best web show at this year’s Shorty Awards and has received praise from the likes of Roger Ebert, Buzzfeed and the Huffington Post, comparing it to such groundbreaking series as “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and “Louis”.

As the series embarks on its third season, Flournoy has launched a Seed & Spark crowd funding campaign which offers a host of donation incentives which include a personal email from Flournoy herself, an on set visit, and an invitation to attend the wrap party.

This crowd funding thing isn’t all roses and Godiva chocolates, as Flournoy shows us in this video. She’s out of paper towels and milk for God’s sake.

Sounds a little like blogging.

I urge you to consider making a Seed & Spark donation to “The Louise Log” so we can continue to eavesdrop on Louise’s monkey mind. And so Anne can get her poor husband that long awaited twelve pack of Bounty.

Of course, it is reward enough to know that you’ve supported a unique, fresh, funny up and coming web series which features the talents of lead actress Christine Cook as well as season three appearances by two of the blog world’s finest – creator of Listen To Your Mother, Ann Imig and the Dusty Earth Mother herself, Shari Simpson of Earth Mother Just Means I’m Dusty.

Because Ann Flournoy? She’s a real artist. She tells the truth.

Our collective inner voices rejoice!

Seed & Sparkhttp://www.seedandspark.com/studio/louise-log-season-3-0

The Louise Loghttp://thelouiselog.com

 

 

 

Linda Roy

Linda Roy fronts the Indie Americana band Jehova Waitresses alongside her guitar toting husband. Remarkably, after years of this they still haven’t killed each other. They live in Jersey with their two boys (somebody’s gotta carry the amps) and she unleashes an inner Larry David on her blog Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom.

 

 

Fashion Tips for Broke Girls – Ginny Leise

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Us broke girls take a certain pride in being low-maintenance. Go all winter gaff taping your boots together? No big deal. Pairing a mealy t-shirt with a mini you outgrew years ago? That’s Saturday. Then spring comes along and quite literally sheds new light on your ragged sweaters. Want to freshen your wardrobe without forking over grocery money? Here are some tricks for keeping yourself consistently presentable and occasionally great.

1. Host a Swap. Invite over a big group of girls and their unwanted yet wearable clothes. Hold up each piece one at time and describe it (size, label, etc.) and interested parties take turns trying on. Things can get a little cutthroat so make sure to only invite your more civilized acquaintances. Pick out a charity for the leftovers. Viola, new clothes plus a little good karma—that never happens when you shop at Target. Speaking of which… [Read more...]

Anne Frank Responds to Justin Bieber – Jenn Dodd

Anne Frank Responds to Justin Bieber - Jenn DoddAfter visiting the Anne Frank Museum, where Anne lived in hiding for two years with her family during the Holocaust, Justin Bieber signed the guest book “Hopefully Anne Frank would have been a belieber”. Wow, Justin, how humble of you! Glad to know you ‘got something’ from your time in Frank’s secret annex and somehow made it all about yourself. What he probably didn’t count on was Anne Frank having a YouTube account and putting it to good use by (sweetly) laying the smack down on the 19 year old dooface. Comedian, Jenn Dodd, plays a young Anne Frank.


[Read more...]

K A B L O O E Y’s Dope of the Day: The Self-Pitying Dieter

art
There’s always one woman at every Weight Watchers meeting who acts like she’s the guest on a talk show, and the rest of us are her audience. When the topic of giant red wine glasses came up (you know, the bulbous fishbowl-sized ones restaurants use) this is what she said:

We went to Applebee’s and I had the salmon and grilled vegetables. My friend gets this big glass of wine and it looked so good, but… (sigh)… I just had water. I felt like I was in a concentration camp.

Um. What do you say to that–thanks for sharing? Interesting analogy? Good command of history; Bergen-Belson was infamous for poorly grilled vegetables.

I’ve said “I’m starving” countless times, but of course, it’s never been true. As someone who hasn’t missed two consecutive meals in… ever, at least I know “I’m starrr-ving!” is just a hyperbolic whine produced by a hunger pang and a soft life.

So lady at my meeting, just remember: you were at Applebee’s, not Auschwitz. Having to pick water instead of wine… is not exactly Sophie’s Choice.

 

K A B L O O E Y

K A B L O O E Y is a 47 year old non-practicing filmmaker who lives with Phineas at an undisclosed suburban location. Their three kids are Moochie (6), Lonzie (20) and The Big Puppy (22). She (who am I kidding, I’m writing this myself) tweets @kblooey and has two goals: 1) To make creative work a central part of my life, and 2) To keep my family from needing the services of the Supernanny.