Spring Fashion by Héléne Bouffant

Bounjour, my little pullets (those are baby hens, and they are fabulous with a little sage!) Welcome to the April edition of my fashion column here at Funny Not Slutty! I love April, because it means SPRING! Spring is that adventurous time of year when we try to pair rain boots with shorts, and tank tops with chain mail.

I couldn’t wait to see what the big trends were going to be this year! Would we go glamorous or casual? Refugee camp or midwestern father-daughter dance? Unfortunately, it is none of the above. But here, without further ado, are the trends for Spring 2013!

Shop accordingly.
1. Bermuda Shorts
April1fts

YES! Bermuda shorts! They aren’t just for your skinny-legged, sandals-and-socks-wearing Uncle anymore!

Named Bermuda shorts due to their popularity in Turks and Caicos (editor’s note – this is not accurate), these tailored walking shorts are going to be all the rage this spring. And just in case you think they are only for highly fashionable women, just take a look at these businessmen on their way to a meeting in their bermuda shorts!

Bermuda shorts
Yes, gentlemen. Show your workplace your other side. Conduct a high powered business meeting sitting behind a desk, and then – to close the deal – stand up to shake the other side’s hand. They will say, “Now THIS is a man who likes to take risks!” BOUFFANT!
2. Exaggerated volume

April2fts

It’s not just for teenagers trying to hide their pregnancies anymore! Now we all can know the comfort of largeness, and the joy of clothing that doesn’t actually come into contact with our bodies. You will be as elegant as a windsock on a breezy day.

[Read more...]

DON’T CLICK SEND!: The 5 Worst Dating Message Mistakes – Mallory Schlossberg

Photo on 5-18-12 at 7.03 PM

I’m a big proponent of the Internet dating scene. Why? You can talk to the opposite sex while looking at animated GIFs, you don’t have to see the guy’s “I’m-rejecting-you-face” when he rejects you, and you can flirt in your sweatpants while eating peanut butter out of the jar! Win, right?

While you may or may not find your soul mate via the Internet, you could very well procure a date or two or thirty seven! It’s important, however, to avoid making these mistakes that I will make for you right now. Us funny ladies usually think that the men are the ones at fault (with their “heYy sexYY LaydEe Lez Do It Now” or their “I want to slather you in my shaving cream and eat organic avocados off of you” messages), but sometimes, we can be at fault, too! We all have our inner creep, let’s not be too proud, here. Since we are just as capable of poor e-flirting, these are the worst messages to send when you are attempting to score a date via the World Wide Web (does anyone call it that anymore? No. No one does. Okay).

Hey!  So, I read your profile, and I also LOVE all of the bands, books, music, movies, and foods you like. We have SO MUCH IN COMMON, it’s almost like we’re related! Except not really haha lol jk. Let’s hang out!

Just a heads up, “it’s almost like we’re related” might be the kicker here.

OMG do I know you in real life?

Ten out of ten times I know what people I know in real life look like, even when I find them on the internet, unless their profile pictures are abstract art in place of a face, in which case most moderators would have taken the pictures down already. [Read more...]

Memories of my America – Of Liberace and The Hope Diamond

hdColombians are prone to embellishment, to taking a story and making it even grander. It was Gabriel Marquez, the famed Colombian novelist, who proclaimed, “To Colombians, life is a stage.”

My mother has entered a delightful stage of dementia. Delightful in the sense that her already Colombian tales of life have become even more entrancing. We pick her up on the weekends, and she spends the day at our house, where my three boys and I spread her favorite blanket across her lap, much like a ceremonious draping of an ermine wrap across a queen’s shoulders.

We settle her in with Mexican cocoa — hot chocolate with a pinch of cayenne — which she sips slowly, blowing softly across the steam, and when she leans forward to set her mug down, we know we are about to hear, The Theatre of The Colombian, Part Six; where she will pick up where she left off, when she was here last.

“You know,” we all turn to see what she will floor us with today. “I had to say no when Fidel Castro asked me to marry him. Yes, he acted one way in front of our government, but I knew… he was not going to grow into a nice man. And look, I was right.” My mother reaches for her hot cocoa, blows and sips, sets it down, and begins again. [Read more...]

How I’m Filling That 30 Rock Void ~ Ginny Leise

 

2 broke girls VS 30 Rock

Now that 30 Rock is over, I’m hunting for a replacement show to fill the void.  TV, as a whole, is in great shape right now. There are so many great shows out there it’s a struggle to keep up with them all. Mad Men, Game of Thrones, House of Cards, Walking Dead, Downtown Abbey, Breaking Bad… the list goes on and on. But the hole 30 Rock left in my heart is specifically shaped. A 30-minute sitcom hole that no character driven hour long drama could properly plug.

Parks & Recreation- You lend stability to my life like an awesome big sister. You are consistently funny and I don’t live in fear you’ll be randomly canceled mid-season. And yet, as much as I adore your writing, the feeling is more platonic than passionate.

Community- Thank god you’re back! It’s like being reunited with a college lover after a whole summer and fall semester abroad. But I must guard my heart because as many comedy orgasms as you’re giving me now, you could get canceled at any moment and never call me again.

The Mindy Project- I like you Mindy, as you the public figure and as you the heightened sitcom character. But I don’t really like anybody or anything else on this show. Which bums me out because I want to supportive not snarky. Best not say anything else.

New Girl- I like you. Although sometimes I wonder, “Why are they all yelling?” But boisterous is definitely the worst thing for a show to be. [Read more...]

Oscar Fashion Review, by Héléne Bouffant

Bonjour, my little golden statuettes!

It was with great joy and a keen eye for criticism that I watched this year’s Academy Awards. Hollywood’s annual masturbatory fashion event has come and gone to sleep, and now I shall judge its performance.

I shall start by sharing my personal contribution to last night’s awards. It should not surprise you that I – Héléne Bouffant – have provided styling at the Oscars for eons! Of course, my influence is most prominent behind the scenes rather than on the red carpet. But do not underestimate my power, my little chickadees! In fact, I control the red carpet itself! And by that, I mean that I am the official stylist to the men who roll out the actual carpet.

 rollcarpet

The jaunty newsboy cap was my idea.

 

Yes, my work was featured on CNN this year. They try to keep me in the shadows, but Héléne Bouffant will not be silenced on Oscar night!

But now, let me offer my thoughts on those designers whose work was seen on those in the spotlight…the burning, white-hot spotlight that calls to me with the intensity of a thousand STDs. I shall return to greatness one day, and I will bring a firestorm of plaid and sequins with me. But for now, let’s see what these other assholes turned out.

Oscars Anne

 No one puts Anne’s nipples in a corner

I have four words for this dress. MAG-NIF-I-CENT. Yes! A pale pink Prada sheath accented by hard, prominent nipples. Bravo, Miss Hathaway, for showing the world in no uncertain terms how very excited you were to be a part of this special, slightly chilly night. Now, some are trying to give the credit for this look of alertness to the darting on your gown. I reject this assessment, and applaud your nipples for their Annie Oakley-like defiance of cultural norms. The rest of your look may say, “subdued” and “appropriate,” but your nipples are saying, “Who do I have to stab around here to get a beer?”

Bravo, Madame.
[Read more...]

New Approved Drugs for The Perimenopausal ~ Elizabeth Bastos

vajayawn

The names of the drugs for birth control for women make me want to hurl with their fake happy Disney princessy-ness like names, “Yazmin” or the gettin’ down to business-ness names like “Lo Lo Errin.” And, since I’m perimenopausal and, I shit you not, out of my mind, I have to take something, I suggest the following:

 

Climacteric

Wymmin

Whynnnin

‘Ncryin

NoLubridownthere

Vajayawn

Es-tro-gone

Progestergroany

Chinhair

Crone

Sisterwife

Grandma Moses

Throwthetoasteroutthewindow

Defenestration [Read more...]

Héléne Bouffant’s Valentine’s Fashion Advice

Bonjour, my little pin cushions! It is February – the month of amour! I hope you all have someone to love or tolerate for the sake of the children during this month of passion.

For this month’s column, I wanted to share with you a little bit about Héléne Bouffant’s experience with love. Yes, I have been tangled in it’s snarled branches many a time before. But I wanted to write a tribute to my first love…well, my first love is fashion, of course, but my first human love was Fred Gandy – or, as you may know, him, Gopher from TV’s The Love Boat.
 

gopher 2
God, how I loved this man.

 
Our affair began during the height of his fame. Everyone wanted a piece of Gopher, back then. But he chose me, a slender, beautiful, and elegant beyond my years wardrobe assistant. Yes, that was my first fashion job – finding flattering cruise wear in the 1980s. It was hell, but the first time I measured Fred’s inseam we were drawn to each other like Gwyneth Paltrow to Chia seeds.

Oh, Fred! Now that you have retired from Congress I can finally tell the world of our passionate nights nestled among Gavin MacLeod’s captain’s uniforms at the back of the wardrobe trailer. You taught me about love, life, and seamanship. And though you broke my heart (he claimed that Héléne Bouffant could never be a politician’s wife, what my triple citizenship with France, the United States, and Pakistan), I want to dedicate this column to you.

How does a fashion column combine fashion, love, and the Gopher? Don’t be an idiot. I shall commemorate my love for the yeoman’s purser with nautical romantic fashion – just in time for Valentine’s Day. Here are some items to consider for a Valentine’s date with your seaman! [Read more...]

Might we suggest “Chloe + Zoë?” – Natalie Wall

Meet Chloe (creator, writer, actor and sometimes director) + Zoe ( Actor, and sometimes writer). These two ladies are going to be your besties for the next 3-to-7 minutes. Why, you ask? Because they are awkwardly awesome.

Is it just me or is this era of the 20-something ladies, trying to get their shit together, but not really actively getting their shit together (the characters they portray, that is)? I sure as hell hope so.

Chloe and Zoe, let me just say, you two are pioneers, making a path for all other awkwardly hilarious 20-something-ers to embrace the funny. Expect to acquire many a lady fans, and hearing the phrase, “Oh these chick’s get just me,” on multiple occasions in the future. [Read more...]

Buttski & Glasscock Take the Stage Just for You – Natalie Wall

Well, maybe not solely for you. But maybe, especially if you are industry folk, then Buttski & Glasscock, (along with an array of hilarious character comedians), are definitely getting on the stage specifically for you.

Any who, Funny Not Slutty is proud to announce that our lovely, Miss Jenn Dodd, shall be performing her monthly show, “Buttski and Glasscock New Talent Blow Out,” this Friday, February 8th, at 9:30 p.m at The People’s Improv Theater located in New York City.

For those of you that don’t know, few things:

  • Jenn is fucking hilarious.
  • The People’s Improv Theater is located 123 east 24th street, NYC.
  • Jenn is fucking hilarious.
  • This show is “character comedy.” In character comedy the comedian performs as though he/she is the character created by him/her…and…

[Read more...]

How To Get Over That Guy In Six Surprisingly Easy Steps – Mallory Schlossberg

Photo on 5-18-12 at 7.03 PM
So, Funny Ladies of The Internet, it’s time for me to get personal for a hot second. I dated somebody. It seemed like it was going pretty fantastically but, you know, as a resident perpetually single lady, it was not going to last for too long, despite the initial honeymoon phase. Now that I’m eating solid foods again and have begun eating “happy” feelings (because I never stopped eating my feelings), I feel the need to share some things I’ve learned in this coping process. You see, when I was sad, I turned to the only place where I knew to get advice on how to get over a guy who isn’t into you – The Internet. Needless to say, I did not get the best advice. So here I am, ladies, telling you how to really get over that guy that you didn’t date that long but still crushed your spirits for a week or something.

 

1. Make a list of all of the flaws he MIGHT have had

This always works. Since you didn’t get to see all of his flaws, since it didn’t last that long, he could have very well had a lot of things wrong with him. Imagine the guy that crushed you saying he hates kittens, babies, sunshine, people, and orgasms! He definitely never said it, but the more you think that thought…I swear, it works.

 

2. Find a tweet that you wrote the day of your first date, to show you just how powerful you were before you met him.

Here’s one of mine:

 

 

3. Find a tweet that you wrote during the course of this short dating whirlwind to show you just how not funny you were while dating someone.

For instance:

 

 

 
[Read more...]