MAKE IT like The Girlfriend Mom: Holiday Sex – Having It and Loving It


I lost most of November to Hurricane Sandy-ass, and her aftermath. I can honestly say that after that she-bitch blew through my town, flooded my basement and took away my power, heat and hot water for 17 days, I did not feel very sexy or amorous. Instead, I felt cold, dirty, (not in a good way) and I’m pretty sure that the potent odor that followed me wherever I went, was originating from my pores. Yum. For the first time in a long time, sex was the last thing on my mind… and that irked me.

I was busy thinking about mold spores, ripping sheetrock out of the walls and changing generator oil. I was not dreaming about anal beads and hot bubble baths. I was euphoric when I took my first hot shower and I actually could see myself under the lights in front of a mirror. And now, just like that, it’s the start of the holiday season. Ho Ho Ho… and I do mean that in a whore-y kind of way.

I started thinking about how sex is different during the holidays. I wondered if people had more or less of it. Does the eggnog go to his head (yes, that head) and the next thing you know, you’re doing it by Menorah candlelight? Or are you preoccupied cooking, shopping, decorating, baking, working, generally stressed because you’re hosting Aunt and Uncle Drunkard, who’s visiting from Peoria for a week, so sex is on the way, way, back burner? [Read more...]

~ Holidays ~ ‘Tis the Season For Singledom…Here’s Why – by Slutty but Funny

Single during the holidays, ladies (and gents)? 

Let’s get real for a hot sec, that’s the best way to do it. Asides from those Kay Jeweler commercials making you feeling inadequate as a human of the female (and/or male) population, or your mother constantly asking you if you are a lesbian in public bathrooms, oooooorrrrrr having every one of your siblings (and their significant others) give you the, “Ahhhhh, she had so much potential when she was younger…and then her hair turned that icky shade of brown,” stare, it’s really not that bad at all!

You have to remember that when you do not have a significant other, you don’t have to worry about anyone else but yourself. Is that selfish? Abso-fucking-lutely.

But god dammit does it feel all warm and tingly inside! (It really does. I’m doing it right now.) Haven’t convinced you yet? Don’t worry. I will.
 

  • You don’t have to eat in front of anyone that you are having sex with.

I don’t like eating in front of guys I’m dating (and/or sleeping with). It’s not pretty. It consists of talking with my mouth full, dollops of mayo and some lewd attempts at sexual gestures with meat in my hands. Sexual, I know. Yet it seems to have little to no avail on actually upping my sex appeal. People really don’t seem to want to boink the lady with a vat of Hellman’s mayo close at hand.
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10 Lies Men Text To Women (And The Truth Behind Them!)

Ladies, I am not one to claim to be the guru of all things Man, but I will definitely admit that I know a fair amount about the opposite sex. Why? Because I spend an awful lot of time around them, talking about them, drunkenly (and soberly) texting them, and deciphering their text messages. Male Text-Speak is one of the hardest languages to decipher, so I am here to help you understand how you may currently be deceived. In fact, there are ten very common lies that men text to women on a regular basis. I am sure you and I have received the same text, and not necessarily because we slept with the same guy (if you’re in improv comedy, though, we probably did).

These are ten lies that I know that men text to women, and the truth behind them. Be warned: you may not like what you read, so I would advise you to reach for the cookie dough and preemptively begin eating your feelings. I’ve got my spoonful of peanut butter ready.
 
1. Hey! Wanna hang out later?
You may read that and think “that’s a question,” but in fact, that’s a lie. First of all, “hanging out” is a euphemism for “boning,” so there you have it! You thought he wanted to play Scrabble and watch old episodes of Buffy, and maybe make some stovetop chili if you were getting comfortable. However, “hanging out,” which seems too friendly to be true – in fact is. Men who want to date you don’t want to hang out. They are capable of coming up with more eloquent phrasing than “hanging out.” Like “pasando el rato” for instance. Yes, that’s “spending time” in Spanish, but it demonstrates effort.

You may say – but, Mallory – if a guy just wanted to get it on, wouldn’t he just say text me at 2 AM? Yes, he would! And he would invite you to “hang out.” Believe me, “hang out” is actually “hang out…naked.”

The exception to the I-want-to-bone-you rule is that he has zero interest in you, just as a friend. Then this becomes a text worth crying over, because you’ll just end up buying your own beer and wallowing in your financial independence (or not, if you just want to be his friend. But if you just want to be his friend, too, you’re not analyzing a text.)

More specifically, when is this “later” that we’re hanging out? Vague! I call you out on vagueness!
 
2. Cool.
Again, you may accuse me of claiming that a response like “cool,” is a lie. But let’s be honest for a hot second (since honesty is the key here): have you ever said cool to something that actually was, indeed, cool? If you did, you definitely didn’t use a period. You probably said “cool!” Or “Awesome!” Or “Amazeballs!” (that might just be me, but still). If a guy texts you that what you did over the weekend is “cool,” then he thinks it is lame. End of story. I know this because whenever I tell men what I’m eating or feeling they always just say “cool.”
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4 Funny Female-Centric Web Series to Watch

One of the awesomest things about publishing FnS is that the funny often comes to me. We have recently had several web series sent in by show producers and publicists. Here are 4 of my favorites, I think you will like them, too.

words with girls series

Words With Girls

Brittani Nichols, the creator of Words With Girls submitted a comedy web series featuring herself and Hannah Hart of My Drunk Kitchen fame.  This mostly scripted but part-improv comedy webseries focuses on 20-somethings in Los Angeles. When they’re not busy navigating “the scene” or jumpstarting their careers, these women do what the young, gifted and bored do best: shoot the shit.

Blogologues

Webisoder at Lively Productions, Elaine White,  submitted Blogologues. The series concept is performing material found on the internet. They just happened to have re-inacted one of my all-time favorite humor posts on the planet, It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherf**kers from McSweeney’s. I hope they will pick a FnS post soon. I think Open Letter to The Creative Group would be fabulous (subtle hint). [Read more...]

Héléne Bouffant on Halloween Fashion

It is I, Héléne Bouffant, back with more fashion advice for the unwashed masses (that’s you). In today’s column, I shall attempt to get into the spirit of the season and talk about Halloween costumes. Personally, I don’t care for Halloween. Why on earth would you want to pretend to be anything other than the fashion-froward goddess that you are?  That is why every year, I go as myself. One Halloween, some horrible little child dressed as “the Spiderman” walked up to me and said, “What ARE you?!” To which I replied, “I am HÉLÉNE BOUFFANT! And you look TERRIBLE!” His parents were furious, but I bet he won’t dress that way again! And so another fashion disaster has been crushed in its infancy by Héléne Bouffant.

I did some searching around the internet for Halloween costumes for women, and I must say, I was absolutely OVERWHELMED by the number of career options for women that were represented in costume! Those who think the fight for ladies’ rights is dead had better take a second look! Why, for Halloween women can be anything! Here are just a few of the ensembles I found in the “Women’s Career Costumes” section of various websites.

 

Police officer

Sexy Police Officer Costume
I’ve never heard of this town, “Busted.” Must be outside of the Hamptons.

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Reformed Whores are the Smothers Brothers, if…

reformed-whores

Reformed Whores are the Smothers Brothers, if the Smothers Brothers lived post Bush presidency / Rush Limbaugh / Westboro Baptist era, and had vajay-jays.

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Memoirs of My America – The Power of The Bean


I always knew what I had.

Coffee, Ahhh, from that first palate burning sip. The perfect drink. Black gold. Brings you up, yet calms you down.

Like a good Colombian family, our day began with a silver pot percolating. In fact, I received my own first percolator at age three; my Spanish grandmother would fill it with the real bean, and my brother and I would sit and slurp up the steaming sweet smoothness. We would masterfully stir in the cream until it was the perfect caramel brown. We just knew how much cream to add, it’s part of the Andean DNA we came with.

Since age three, I have known of the power of caffeine. I have forever understood the coffee jokes, I got them – I’d even poke fun at my own left twitching eye. [Read more...]

Rapists, Please Wrap it Up…


I’ve been getting increasingly antsy about the issue of Women’s Reproductive Rights lately.  I’m in no way a political comedian, but I was feeling so fed up about this one issue that I felt I couldn’t not touch on it either with my stand up or a video.  Here in the comedy community we’ve had this major dialogue in the past few months about what’s okay to say and what’s not okay to say in comedy, which is really a never ending dialogue, but was recently made specific to the topic of “rape” after the Daniel Tosh “scandel.”  Meanwhile the people we trust with actual real life legislation relevant to our rights as vagina owners have been making some pretty inept commentary.  It’s not that I think men can’t make laws relating to Women’s Health, but I think if you’ve been charged with a decision that doesn’t directly affect your person, then you at the very least should show up to the table informed.  This video is not the place to get informed, but it’s funny and features some pretty women. Please spread the word to any rapists you may know personally or anyone you suspect of rapey behavior…you know, like your weird Cousin Steve…

- Annie Solstad Laferriere,  3rdWheelComedy.com

MAKE IT like The Girlfriend Mom: Sex with My Manicurist

I’m not gay (as far as I know) but I would like to get it on with my manicurist. Is that wrong? I’ve always wanted to ‘experiment’ but the opportunity has yet to present itself. Of course it might help if I leave the house once in awhile, but my agoraphobia is a whole other post.

I probably should’ve done something about this when I was in college. Isn’t that when this sort of shit happens? There’s a fraternity party on the quad, and you and your sorority sisters are doing jell-o shots with the men’s AND women’s lacrosse teams, one thing leads to another and the next thing you know, a pillow fight breaks out and you trip and fall right into your roommate’s cooter? At least that’s what I’ve always imagined that it would be like. I know, too many Lifetime movies and porn. [Read more...]

Real Housewife of Comedy DVD Launch! – Marié Lake

funny woman

Comedian/Cabaret Singer Marié Lake has a history of contributing to the gay community, “Mostly by going to the prom with them.”  So she decided to launch the charity special “Real Housewife of Comedy” in support of Life Group L.A., a coalition of people dedicated to the education, empowerment and emotional support of persons both infected and affected by HIV/AIDS. [Read more...]