5 ways to avoid human interaction at a grocery store from The Awkwardista

 grocery

Every socially awkward person knows that the best way to avoid feeling uncomfortable in a social situation is to avoid it. Unfortunately, no matter how much you try to avoid them social situations find you.

One of the worst places for accidental social situations is the grocery store. Here are my top five tips for avoiding strangers who want to talk to you while you’re minding your own business trying to determine the ripeness of a cantaloupe.

  1. Cough.      I find that a loud phlegmy cough does wonders for getting people to keep their distance. The cough should come from deep in your chest. Forcing a cough can be rough on the throat. It may even be painful, but if it keeps the guy who squeezed his junk into spandex bike shorts from approaching you to explain how to pick out a ripe melon, isn’t the pain worth it? If you can actually produce some phlegm and spit it into the nearly disintegrated tissue you keep in your pocket that will help even more.
  2. Dance.      There’s always music in the grocery store. They tend towards light hits like Lionel Richie and Elton John. It doesn’t really matter what the music is though. Actually you don’t need to have music at all. All you need is the ability to move and some imagination. Dancing is an art and the type of dancing that will keep strangers away is less foxtrot and more Martha Graham. Be expressive. Large arm movements force strangers to keep their distance.
  3. Sing.      You don’t necessarily have to sing along to the music that’s actually playing. You may want to sing something completely different. It doesn’t really matter what you’re singing just as long as you sing it badly. You wouldn’t want anyone to compliment you on your singing. Then you might be forced to talk to them. Make sure you look like you’re really into it. Most people won’t want to interrupt your artistic moment.
  4. Argue.      I’ve found that if you are having an argument with someone on your cell phone most people in the grocery store will avoid you. You could go one of  two ways on this. You could just pretend to be arguing with someone on your phone, but if you’re a terrible actor, like me, you’ll have difficulty pulling that off. I find it best to call someone in my contact list and pick a fight with them. Yes, you are technically interacting with someone if you do that, but the fact that you’ve interacted with that person before makes it easier. If you like the person, call them back later to apologize. You don’t have to do that though. The fewer friends you have the fewer socially awkward situations you’ll find yourself in.
  5. Fart.      A toxic cloud of malodorous gas is the ultimate protection from social interaction. Eat a big bowl of chili or a bean burrito the size of your head before you go to the store. Then just let ‘em rip. Not only will you feel tremendous relief, but you’ll clear the aisles.

Follow these guidelines and you’ll never have to worry about having to speak to a stranger in the grocery store again.

 

H. Lovelyn Bettison

H. Lovelyn Bettison is an author and blogger. Read about the funny side of life on her blog Nebulous Mooch where life is all sunshine and sausages.

Gift Them What They Deserve ~ Your Holiday Hostess Gift Guide from The Suniverse

gift-them

Unless you’re a complete misanthrope, you’ll probably be headed somewhere at some point during the upcoming holiday season. Whether you’re with friends or family, you’ll want to take something along to show your appreciation for being invited and also to show that you’re not a complete piker.

But what to take?

That’s a question that is fraught with minefields, and it seems like no one has a good answer. Too cheap, and you look insulting. Too much, and you look like a braggart. It’s a thin line, and drinking steadily from Halloween until Valentine’s Day doesn’t make navigating it any easier.

Until now.

Because I want to help alleviate your stress, and because I am a giver, here is The Suniverse’s Holiday Gift Guide. It’s a foolproof list of what to take as a gift wherever you are going. It’s divided by age and relationship, like science classifications, so you can rest assured that the information is tested and true. What are you waiting for? Take a look and get started!

Your parents

YOUNG:
Nothing. You’re still a kid in their eyes.

NOT-SO-YOUNG:
A home-baked goodie, or a reasonable facsimile.

REALLY-NOT-SO-YOUNG:
Nothing. You’ve been a great disappointment. They expect nothing of you, so you can just deliver.

Your in-laws / partner’s parents [Read more...]

Am I a Feminist, or What? ~ The Official Reference Chart

feminist-or-what

There seems to be mass confusion over what it actually means to be a Feminist. Don’t get me started on what it means to be a Humanist and how that is misinterpreted. If you going with “I am an Egalitarian Humanist” then more power to you, just make sure you represent and don’t just label.  During mature discussion, 20-somethings feel the need to pipe in and let us all know their exact/simple definition of the term “Feminist”, not really how the affiliation has come to be embodied in 2013. “A Feminist is anyone who believes that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities!” they say. REALLY? Because I’d never heard that before! You’re a GOOD little reader! Well…if you also consider the reputation and behavior of any institution of thought, it is a little more complicated to discern. We have all heard that definition, and some of us who have been around the block a little more than you and have the truth figured out. So put on your listening ears a little more often my young know-it-all Feminist Facebook friend. Next time you hear someone speaking about their definition or expression of Feminism, you will know the real answer.

 

Customer Review: OBaby! Easy Entry Sex Swing ~ Lauren Krueger

o-baby

 

18 in stock

First of all, let me express my confusion and disappointment that this product is only available for purchase through something called “Amazon Dom.” The free shipping I usually enjoy through regular Amazon Mom would have gone a long way towards making me a happier customer. After all the price of the product was what initially drew me in, as it is considerably less expensive than any other baby swing on the market. Saving money is very important to me, as a new mom! :)

But I guess you get what you pay for, and maybe I should have expected something was wrong right from the beginning. When the name of your product has a glaring typo in it, that’s a serious example of carelessness. And while black is, I suppose, a “[uni]sex” color, green or orange would have been a little cheerier and baby-appropriate.

Let’s talk about the product’s functionality. This swing has consistently received 5 stars from everyone else, and I really don’t understand how that can be. The packaging has a cartoon of a sassy, playful mom on it (trying out the swing, herself!), and that gave me confidence that I would be able to assemble this swing on my own. At first glance I noticed the rugged construction of the straps and handles, which were indeed big enough to fit my own hands and feet. Clearly my five-month-old daughter, Meadowlark, would be able to use this swing well into her teen years! [Read more...]

You’ve Come a Long Way, Slutty Nurse! A Feminist Retrospective of Slutty Halloween Costumes

by K A B L O O E Y

Halloween isn’t ’till tomorrow, but I’m already tired of hearing about how horrible costumes for women have become.  They’re ubiquitous, these hard-hitting journalistic exposes from the Slut Aisle at Party City. I guess with no hurricane to blow reporters sideways as they tell us it’s windy out, they’ve got to talk about something.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and just say it: the women’s movement must have worked, because kids these days have it way better than we did.  When I was a young woman, my costume career choices were limited – I could be a slutty French maid or a slutty nurse, period.

Now? A girl’s options are a veritable skankiness rainbow.  No longer is she limited by traditional gender roles. If she wants to be a cowgirl, hockey player or SWAT Commander, there’s a sexy costume to make her dream a reality.  Her older brother’s dressing up as a lumberjack and her younger one as an astronaut?  She can do the exact same thing! See?

slutty costumes 1slutty costumes 2That’s not to mention the strides made away from the race-baiting, stereotypical costumes of the past. I remember a time when you could actually walk into a costume store and buy a Sexy Indian Maiden outfit with its own little rubber tomahawk. That’s not so today: she’s a Native American Tomahawk Hottie, now. [Read more...]

What Your Halloween Costume Says To the World Infographic – K A B L O O E Y

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K A B L O O E Y

K A B L O O E Y is a 47 year old non-practicing filmmaker who lives with Phineas at an undisclosed suburban location. Their three kids are Moochie (6), Lonzie (20) and The Big Puppy (22). She (who am I kidding, I’m writing this myself) tweets @kblooey and has two goals: 1) To make creative work a central part of my life, and 2) To keep my family from needing the services of the Supernanny.

 

Ode to Spice Girls – Daniella R. Bondar

Spice World

If I told you that I didn’t embarrassingly rock out to the Spice Girls on two separate occasions in the last four days, I’d be lying. Okay, so it was really three times. Three times in four days. In public. In dive bars. In a karaoke bar. That’s not counting all the times I was alone in my apartment and ran into a Risky Business situation.  What I am really trying to say here, in case you haven’t caught on, is the Spice Girls are the best thing to happen to this universe.  Anyone who says they disagree is lying. Here’s why…

1.  First in regards to the straight males out there who may be denying my very blanketed statement:  For a really long time gals were running around in Spice Girl – esque outfits,  so you are welcome boys.

2. We could mark out maturity growing by which Spice Girl we decided to identify with. ALl of my friends wanted to be Baby Spice. It led to lots of hair pulling and singing over each other. The pulling of pigtails always went a little too far. I had furry scrunchies, so of course I thought I should be the one.

3. The Spice Girls are still providing much unadulterated happiness for drunk girls. Ever been in a bar when a Spice Girls song comes on? Yeah, that. And yeah, I am definitely one of those girls.

4. Everytime I meet a guy I sing him “ If you wanna be my lover…” just so he knows what is up.

5. Spice Girls have taught me, and my generation of pleather donning attitude toting wannabes lots of important life lessons. Like to stop in the name of love and girls can be empowered while looking like super sluts. [Read more...]

THE TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE…store.

Justice-Store

Warning: staring directly at apparel may cause permanent damage to corneas.

 

My daughter is now eight, so I’m happy to report that I’m done with globe-headed Caillou, that whiny little fuck, and Chuck E. Cheese, the flea-bitten, steroidal, rat-boy. These are massive plusses in my book, and they brought me as much joy as did throwing out the rectal thermometer.

However, these parental joys are balanced out by a new horror: having to enter the black hole of ugliness – the Justice store. This mall chain caters to suburban tweenage (I want to shoot myself just typing that “word”) girls with an affinity for neon and shiny objects. The stores themselves are infinitely dense nuggets of tween fashion trends collapsed inward by the weight of their day-glow hideousness. If Tim Gunn were merely to glance into one, his eyeballs would liquefy and melt down his cheeks. [Read more...]

Sole Provisions FunnynotSlutty.com Short Short Essay Contest

funny-writing-contest

 

Why should you enter the Sole Provisions FunnynotSlutty.com Short Short Essay Contest?!?

 The Prize:

One pair of shoes from Sole Provision’s Fitflops OR Orthaheel collection.

Rules and Writing Criteria:

  1. Essays are to be 150-450 words long to be considered.
  2. You must include one of the following words in the title -  sole, soul or Seoul.
  3. You can write about true events or fiction.
  4. Judging criteria are funniness, good writing and creativity.
  5. Essays will be judged by FnS publisher Jacki Schklar and announced on September 12th.
  6. Essays must be submitted by midnight Eastern on Monday, September 9th 2013. Submit your entry simply by adding it to the comments section below! You can write up to 2 entries/submissions.

Follow Sole Provisions and tell them you appreciate their participation in our contest! https://www.facebook.com/SoleProvisionsShop https://twitter.com/SoleProvisions

 

Cathy Ladman Does Ferguson

Cathy Ladman is a  stand-up comedian, television writer, and actor. She was featured in her own installment of HBO’s One Night Stand comedy series, and has been a guest on The Tonight Show on nine occasions as well as TV shows like Roseanne, Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist, Caroline in the City (in a recurring role), and Everybody Loves Raymond. She won an American Comedy Award for Best Female Stand-Up Comic in 1992.

Cathy appeared on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson last night, and she gave us a little glimpse into her life to share along with the performance!

 

When did you first realize you were hilarious?

I think in kindergarten I used to do an impression of my school principal, the ancient Miss Carol (sp)?

Be honest, how rough were the first open mics?/ what was your worst stage experience?

They were okay, those first ones. Up and down. But I don’t remember them being devastating. My worst stage experience, if not one of my worst, was when I’d been doing stand-up for about a year. I took Amtrak to Philly and did a show at the Taproom, I believe, in Ambler, PA. (I think these are accurate names, but, who knows)? Anyway, I was wearing a cute, casual cotton summer skirt, and doing my act, and the audience starting murmuring, then talking, then heckling, and then things started hitting the stage. So, here’s what I did: I said, “Thank you, good night,” and left the stage. I said “Thank you”!!!! Jesus. Then, my best friend, Kathy, who still lived in Philly, at the time, and who is still my best friend, and I drove to a Friendly’s and ate something, and I cried. She wrote me a note and drew a picture on a napkin, and I kept it for years, until I think it may have gotten lost in a move in the past few years. It said, “You are very funny. If you ever need to know just call me, and I will tell you.”

How long did it take you to find your comedic voice, and how did you find it?

My comedic voice is really who I am, and I think it didn’t take me too long to relax into it on stage. And as I change, it changes (I hope).

What do you want the future to hold for Cathy Ladman?

A lot more acting, in TV and film. A lot more employment in those venues. And stand-up in theaters.

What would you tell your 18-year-old self?

Do it. Travel. Take the time to explore. Don’t doubt yourself. You have all you need. You are enough. Accept yourself.

 
 

Slutty but Funny

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comedian but the reality is she’s a NYC girl trying to make it big. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).